Mental Monday: He Can Dig It. She Can Dig It. They Can Dig It. Can You Dig It, Baby?
So…what’s this jive that some of you cats have been laying heavy on me? You’re not cruisin’ when you’re choosin’ your he/she/they pronouns? You’re not grazing in the grass? Well, that’s my bag, baby, so pull up your hammock chair and hang loose while I’m your Teach for a while. Rules are cool, but I’m gonna cut you some slack, Jack. Hear me good.
I know it’s a drag when you’re trying to lay down some copywriting and you’re not cool with saying “he or she” every time you want to talk about a gender-neutral word like “teen.” And maybe your old lady or your old man once told you not to use “they” instead because it’s plural and can’t replace a singular pronoun. (I know some of these terms are far out, but don’t split just yet. I got you solid.)
If you’re still in school, I know it’s not groovy but you’re gonna have to get your head straight about pronouns and follow those rules. But if you’re doing the 9 to 5 and making some bread at it, it’s copasetic. Ain’t no one gonna call the fuzz on you if you use “they.”
But no one will think it’s boss if you write, “When your teen visits the orthodontist for his or her first time, he or she might have questions about treatment time or food restrictions. The doctor will explain to him or her exactly what he or she can expect.” That is not hip, man. Don’t be a square when you write, or some cat is gonna read that and go, “What a drag. That was so uncool to read.” What you want to hear is, “Man, this is up tight, outta sight!”
Now don’t go all psychedelic freak-out on me and use nothin’ but “they.” Keep it cool and mix it up:
Change the wording from singular to plural. “When teens visit the orthodontist for the first time, they….”
Reword to eliminate or avoid the generic pronoun. “The doctor will explain to your teen what to expect.”
Give in and use the “or” construction once in a while. “When your teen visits the orthodontist for his or her first time, there will most likely be questions about treatment time or food restrictions.”
Give in and use “they” once in a while. “The doctor will explain to your son or daughter exactly what they can expect during treatment.”
Ain’t this a gas? I am so stoked!
I have something else to lay on you, so don’t tear your mind on a jagged sky. I just don’t want someone to get all Gloria Steinem in your face someday and make you want to split the scene: Don’t be using pronouns that stereotype masculine or feminine roles. Now don’t furrow your square dome — I’ll tell you what I mean:
Don’t limit women by using “she” or “her” to pigeonhole them in their “traditional” roles: secretary, teacher, nurse. “Each nurse must fill out her timecard accurately.” And don’t back-stereotype women by using only “he” or “him” with men’s “traditional” roles: doctor, lawyer, professor. “Every professor will set his own office hours.” You must’ve been on some other planet, Janet, if you think all nurses are women and all professors are men — now that ain’t right. Dude, don’t be such a hodad.
But do use the words that eliminate having to use “he” or “she” in the first place: server, not waitress; flight attendant, not stewardess; representative, not congressman. Even certain terms have been changed: worker’s comp, not workman’s comp.
Well, I got to book — this took me a while to write. I think I’ve broken my mind and I’m in a purple haze — is it tomorrow, or just the end of time?
Hey, I know you’d like to chill with me longer, but I just dropped in to see what condition your condition was in — and you’re giving me good vibrations, so I think you oughtta cut out now cuz a hookah-smoking caterpillar has given you the call. Later.
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Karen A. Hernandez, Editorial Manager at Wunderman West WundermanWest.com
On Twitter: @Goofreader and @WundermanWest
