Mentorship | Leadership
Avoiding Toxic Positivity as Leaders and Mentors
Don’t give advice based on toxic positivity, help others internalize and process their emotions instead.
Managing through difficult times relying on the perspective of “never give up” and “good vibes only” is also known as toxic positivity. Partly influenced by the era of social media in which friend-strangers provide the calibration curve for how we should feel at all times, toxic positivity has permeated into virtually all aspects of our lives.
This constant display of optimism and positive vibes, even in the direst situations, is recognized as unrealistic optimism. In essence, one adopts a level of optimism that negates facts and the most probable outcomes based on one’s previous history. Blurring decision-making and diminishing our empathy for others, parking our emotions at the “positive vibes only” corner can be detrimental to any type of relationship.
For impactful mentorship and management, while looking at the facts in the eye, we must strive for a balanced optimism.
But why do we prefer to ‘stay positive’?
Psychologists think people tend to be unrealistically optimistic and “stay positive” because it fuels intrinsic motivation. We all have experienced how the mantra of staying positive can momentarily shield negative emotions and help us get on with it. Not surprisingly, optimism is the result of our desire to seek happiness at all costs.
In the short term, unrealistic optimism can yield positive outcomes. In the longterm, when left unchecked, negative emotions can easily trigger a downward spiral of self-destruction.
As a mentor or leader, how is toxic positivity detrimental to our relationships?
As mentors, we don’t have the right to dictate how others should feel in a particular situation. Group leaders and mentors are particularly vulnerable to toxic positivity because most want to provide words of encouragement when mentees face difficulties.
If feeling the urge to paint a shiny rainbow in light of your mentee’s situation, think twice. Research suggests that we tend to be more unrealistically optimistic about others’ situations than to those we face. Dr. James Shepperd, professor of social psychology, explains why:
It appears that people often consider their own circumstances and risk-relevant behaviors yet neglect the circumstances and behaviors of others. Put simply, people reason that a common negative outcome is likely to happen to them and, thus, is more likely to happen to them than to other people. They overlook the fact that the outcome is also likely to happen to other people.
Therefore, mentors and leaders should neutralize the impulse to comfort others with some version of “Don’t worry, everything is going to be ok!” After all, advice seasoned with some variant of unrealistic optimism is flawed and unusable.
Perhaps, your mentee or employee doesn’t need to hear, “Hey! Look on the bright side,” but instead, “I understand this is difficult, and things look uncertain. You have my unconditional support going forward.”
Help others internalize and process their emotions
Navigating the spectrum of emotions is part of the natural human experience. Emotions act as our internal alarm system to alert us that something needs our attention. For example, feeling disappointed focuses your attention on something you want to change or improve on.
Help others develop a vocabulary of emotions, so they’re better equipped to navigate the spectrum on their own. The emotoscope feelings chart provides ample examples of “feeling words” along with their purpose.
As explained by organizational psychologist Adam Grant:
We can’t always control the waves of emotion that crash into us. But we can learn to ride them more gracefully.
Emotional intelligence starts with choosing not to be victims of our moods.
By noticing what causes them, we find clues on how to change them — or at least manage them.
-Adam Grant (@AdamMGrant) May 3, 2020
At the extremes, toxic positivity pushes us to operate like a smart speaker programmed only to play positive tunes. But we’re humans. We’re programmed to function through both the “Hey Ya!” and the “All by myself” themes. Therefore, instead of committing to unrealistic positivism, help others internalize and process their emotions.
Focus on getting through, not around
Setting our sight only on the positive pushes us to go around our difficulties. On the other hand, embracing each feeling is a first step towards achieving a healthy balance, establishing perspective, and deciding the best path forward.
As a leader, help others get through difficulties by asking the right questions, listening, and putting things in perspective.
As discussed in the book, The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday, to help others adjust their perception, ask them to remove themselves from the situation. How would they react if they pretend the situation is affecting somebody else? This action, while simple, introduces objectivity and clarity. To build courage, remind them of an important truth: they are not powerless.
Even if things seem bleak at the moment, we remain in control of how we react.
