SUBJECT LINE: WTF
By Jessica Watson
A bachelorette party invite shines new light on a longtime friendship.
From: Allison Griffith
To: Bree Jones
Date: January 21, 2017 at 11:46AM EST
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
BREE!! OMG HAPPY 27TH BIRTHDAY, BEEEEETCH!!!!!! What are you’re plans for tonight? Also, are you coming to my bachelorette party in Vegas in March? My sister will email you the details, but it’s a $300 deposit. It would be fun to have you there!! And you’re coming to the wedding in April, right? Haven’t gotten your RSVP. Todd would be thrilled. Sad we haven’t talked in ages. My numbers still the same ;)
Miss you always. Love you tons bestie/birthday b-iotch/babe!! ALL THE XOXO’S!!
Ally
P.S. We’re going to France on our honeymoon. I’ve been debating buying a beret. They wear berets in France, right?
From: Bree Jones
To: Allison Griffith
Date: January 22, 2017 at 12:13PM PST
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Hey Ally,
So good to hear from you! My birthday’s in October lol, but I appreciate the well wishes. My number’s still the same too so let’s both remember how to use a phone soon and catch up. $300 may be a little steep for me for your bachelorette party. Is anyone else coming that’s not a bridesmaid? I know it’s lame, but I just don’t want to be the only one.
While I’d really like to do both, I won’t be able to travel for both a bachelorette and your wedding in April. Does one mean more to you than the other? Let me know, chica!
Hope to talk (on the phone) soon! xo
Bree
P.S. That’s cool that you’re going to France. I’ve never been so I wouldn’t know if they wear berets over there or not, but I’m going to guess that they hate when Americans do.
From: Allison Griffith
To: Bree Jones
Date: January 29, 2017 at 1:31AM EST
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Oops, I definitely thought I knew when you’re birthday was lol. My bad. Sorry that I’m just now getting back to you! Planning a wedding is legit crazy. Todd and I were also talking last night if we can afford to get a boat with all of these home renovations. Looks like we can so you’ll have to come out this summer!
You really can’t do both bach and wedding? If that’s the case, then you HAVE TO come to the bachelorette party. Would you be down to snag the weed for us? I feel like you always had the hook up in college. Didn’t your cousin sell drugs a few years back? Can’t wait to smoke again with you like the good ole days!
CALL ME SOON!! Send me a quick update on your dating life. Brandon was your last boyfriend and that was 8 years ago haha. Need to get you a man. Can’t wait for Veg-yassss!!
A
P.S. You’ve never been to France!!! You have to change that soon. I think I’m going to get the beret.
From: Emily Griffith
To: Bree Jones
Date: January 29, 2017 at 6:05PM EST
Subject: ALLY’S VEGAS BACH BASH
Hi Bree,
Ally told me you’re in for the bachelorette party! That makes a total of 10. Yay! We leave Friday, March 24th and come back Sunday, March 26th! I know $300 sounds like a lot to give right now, but believe me, this Airbnb has everything — pool, maid service, etc. Venmo me by Saturday latest pleeeeease!
Also important, Ally said you’ve got the hook up on “materials” if you know what I mean. I remember a story she said about how you bought something off the street once from a guy in college and it was the worst trip she’s ever had so don’t do that lol. Only the good stuff! It should be easy since you live in Cali! Thank you for taking this on and so happy you’re on board!
Best, Emily
From: Bree Jones
To: Allison Griffith
Date: January 30, 2017 at 12:14PM PST
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Allison,
We’re playing this cat and mouse game of who is calling who and it’s silly. There is no guy. I liked that Mark dude, but he’s occupied with someone else right now. I’m on dating apps, swiping away to dead ends mostly, but I’m trying. Brandon was a terrible boyfriend.
$300 is a lot of money if that’s just the deposit. Nervous what the actual total would be. I’ve currently been eating PB&J’s for the past 2 weeks. The struggle is real. And maybe it’d be best to have someone else be in charge of the drugs? I only smoked with you once in college and I threw up everywhere. I’m not your girl. I have no idea where to get anything. You and Taylor used to smoke all the time though. And Marley’s cousin went to jail for selling pot. Remember Marley?
Boat life seems like something you were meant for so congrats!
Bree
P.S. I can’t go to France because my bank account won’t allow it. Hence, the PB&J sandwiches.
From: Allison Griffith
To: Bree Jones
Date: January 30, 2017 at 10:13PM EST
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Bree,
Baby girl, we have got to get you off of those dating apps. I ran into Todd at a party a little over a year ago and now here we are getting married. He’s perfect. #blessed
Fuck Mark. They say birds of a feather flock together so maybe you’d have more success dating if you went after black men? Go bump into some hot, athletic black guy at your next party and you’re golden! Don’t lie about Brandon. You were so happy with him before he cheated.
Sorry for confusing you and Taylor. Honest mistake. I swear I did molly with you that one time though. Are you sure you didn’t have the cousin that used to sell drugs and then went to jail? Marley’s parents own a vineyard and that just doesn’t sound like someone in her family. Come on, Bree! I know you know someone.
$300 really isn’t that much. Did Emily tell what all was included? A pool AND a hot tub!! I don’t know exactly what the total’s gonna be but maybe plan for $1500 to be safe? I’ve decided you not coming is not an option. What does Tim Gunn always say? ;)
Kiss kiss
AG
P.S. Just save your money and you’ll be able to go to Europe some day! Oh, maybe I can get a PB&J over in France on a croissant. Do you think they do that there?
From: Bree Jones
To: Taylor Reid
Date: February 1, 2017 at 8:02AM PST
FWD: Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Tay — PLEASE READ THE BELOW FROM ALLY. Is she a fucking crazy person?!
FIRST OF ALL, just because I’m black doesn’t mean that I should only date black men.
SECOND OFF, it is NOT NOT NOT ok to consistently mix up your black friends. You don’t do that shit with your white friends.
THIRD OFF, if I say that my cousin never sold drugs then my cousin never sold drugs. She’s saying Marley’s family could never have a person like that because she’s white and rich?! THE WHITE RICH MOTHER FUCKERS ALWAYS HAVE THE BEST DRUGS.
FOURTH OFF, $300 is not $10. And it’s only a DEPOSIT. Plan for $1500 total? That’s rent. I don’t live with a man who buys me cars and purchases me homes and is getting me a fucking boat. I will never be a real housewife of anything.
Am I overreacting? Give it to me straight. How are we friends with her?
Unfuckingbelievable,
B
From: Taylor Reid
To: Bree Jones
Date: February 1, 2017 at 12:38PM EST
FWD: Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
B,
Woah, woah, woah. So many feelings. Calling you after work today because I can’t do this email shit. Thanks for forwarding me this for reference though. Appreciate it. Quick thoughts below. Deep dive later.
1) Love that she thinks you finding love is contingent on skin color.
2) I know we look nothing alike, but girl, why you acting like Ally hasn’t been this person from day one?
3) Real talk, Marley’s the one who sold ALL OF US weed in college. Guess that slipped her mind.
4) She mixed you up with Janine who is also black! and the one who did molly with her. Jesus.
5) Can Todd pay for you to go to Vegas? Seems like he’s paying for everything else. I’m not mad at it, but we don’t all have it like that. Putting in the work to get there eventually.
Keeping it purely 100, Allison sucks. She needs to be told that this is so inappropriate.
Love you!
Tay
From: Bree Jones
To: Allison Griffith
Date: February 1, 2017 at 7:08PM PST
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Hey,
It took me a sec to kind of gather my thoughts because like WTF, Allison? I should only date black men? Because I’m black? That’s such a wild thing to say.
So, no I won’t be coming to your wedding. Todd wouldn’t be thrilled if I showed up because Todd doesn’t even know me. I have never met Todd.
No, you didn’t do molly with me that one time. That was Janine. Who is also black. You can’t go around constantly confusing black people. GET IT TOGETHER.
No, I won’t be coming on your boat this summer. Too busy trying to figure out how I can only be attracted to black men and differentiate myself from my fellow African Americans.
No, I won’t be coming to your bachelorette party because I’m poor. Asking for a $300 deposit is not the same as asking someone to spot you a meal at McDonald’s.
No, it’s not ok that you were months off on my birthday. No one EMAILS their “best friend” a happy birthday message. Emails are reserved for someone’s great aunt who just learned how to use a computer. ACTUALLY CALLING is reserved for best friends.
Also, learn to use “your” and “you’re” correctly. You’re (YOU ARE) an adult human who owns a home and is apparently buying a boat. The least you could do is use the appropriate grammar.
-Bree
P.S. Stop talking to me about France! The closest I’m getting to France in the near future is seeing a foreign film or having them put my sandwich at the deli down the street on a baguette.
From: Bree Jones
To: Emily Griffith
Date: February 4, 2017 at 7:11PM PST
Subject: ALLY’S VEGAS BACH BASH
Emily,
Assuming you’ve spoken with your sister by now, but I’m not coming to the bachelorette party so I won’t be venmoing you today or ever. $300 divided by 1 bitch and 8 other individuals is only $33.33. Maybe ask Todd to cover it?
I can’t give you the “hook up” — stop saying “hook up” — it’s stupid. I don’t do drugs. I’m sure you’ll find a way to get what you need. Ask Ally for Marley’s phone number. Have fun in Vegas.
Sincerely,
Bree
From: Emily Griffith
To: Bree Jones
Date: February 5, 2017 at 12:01AM EST
Subject: ALLY’S VEGAS BACH BASH
Bree,
This news makes me so upset. I know how close you and Al are. She’s only ever said the best of things about you. You should know that she’s not a racist. She loves my husband and he’s Asian/Italian.
You’ve been friends for 10 years. Is one comment really going to ruin that? She’s just slightly misinformed. I had to explain fracking to her the other day if that tells you anything. Hope we can still be friends. We’ll miss you on the trip!! #sadtimes
All the best, Emily
From: Bree Jones
To: Emily Griffith
Date: February 5, 2017 at 10:01AM PST
Subject: ALLY’S VEGAS BACH BASH
Dear Emily,
Lol at “Is one comment really going to ruin that?” It was more than one comment. Just had a good laugh. Wow, the two of you are just…wow. Glad you’re informed enough to know what fracking is. You are so woke. And I never called your sister a racist. Also, why do y’all hashtag everything? Stop it.
-Bree
From: Allison Griffith
To: Bree Jones
Date: February 5, 2017 at 7:06PM EST
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Omg, Bree. I can’t believe you think I’m a racist. What I meant was that when we were in college you dated Brandon (who is black) and that’s the only relationship I’ve ever seen you in. And you were so happy before you guys broke up. Maybe my comment was ignorant, but that’s it. All I want is for you to be happy. And again, you were really happy with Brandon. Does that make sense?
Sorry if I got you mixed up with Tay and Janine. In my defense though, I also mixed up you and Molly (who isn’t black) so even more evidence that I’m not racist.
Emily said you’re for real not coming to the bach party. The trip won’t be the same without you. I really do support you in everything — dating, finances, anything.
I was mad that you corrected my grammer, but I forgive you! Hope you can forgive me too. Todd is concerned our friendship is over, but he doesn’t know my Bree.
Signed your biffle forever,
Allison Griffith
AKA Soon to be Allison Parker
P.S. I love a baguette. I hope you find a way to France soon!
From: Bree Jones
To: Allison Griffith
Date: February 8, 2017 at 11:12AM PST
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
I wasn’t going to reply to this email, but I thought as your former friend, maybe it’d be great to let you know that you have some work to do. I don’t have the capacity to, nor should I be required to educate you, but I think you might benefit from googling a list of books to read about anti-racism. And then purchasing a few and actually reading them. Good luck with your life. I’m sure, no matter what, it’ll be beautiful.
All my pity,
BreeJones
AKA Soon to be Not Your Friend Anymore
P.S.Au Revoir
***
JESSICA WATSON is a television and film writer/producer based in Los Angeles, CA. She has a strong love for the Georgia Bulldawgs, photography, traveling and finding delicious food wherever she goes.
For all inquiries, email info@hellomermade.com
