A 30-min Discussion Costed Me a 10+ Years Friendship
I thought it’s a discussion; she probably took it as an argument.
With the US election coming up and everyone’s been busy discussing covid, vaccine, and the economy, I want to share how a 30-min discussion on social issues costed me a 10+ years friendship. Since my friend ain’t talking to me anymore, I’ve got plenty of time to type up my thoughts on Medium.
Six months ago I was dicussing politics with a friend whom I’ve known since junior high. It was quite a heated topic that divided the people at the time. But we’re free to talk about everything with our BFFs right? Hmm now I learn we can’t, sort of.
I don’t want to get into the details of the argument as it’s mostly a difference in perspective, like the “half empty or half full glass of water” analogy. I think we both tried to articulate our thoughts and persuade others to take our side. Somehow both parties just felt distant and hurt. So really it was a faults-on-both-sides-scenario.
As the title says it, her move was to make that the last conversation we ever had. In the past few months, I reached out to her several times but she never replied my messages. It felt like talking to vacuum. To be frank I’d rather she gets back to me expressing why she disagrees with me and how she feels etc., because now it seems she has given up our 10+ years friendship based on a 30-min disagreement. It’s confusing to me, as I personally think it’s okay to have different opinions. I didn’t foresee what I regarded as a rational (though heated) discussion based on facts and observations would trigger such reaction.
It’s confusing to me, as I personally think it’s okay to have different opinions.
If we reference MBTI, there are two contrasting features among us — “thinkers” and “feelers”. I am a thinker so I’m not personally offended by the conversation, but I am bewildered, upset by the way she handled the matter. This triggered me to think if there’s a “proper” way to behave in front of our friends? I mean, if a disagreement could cost a friendship and not everyone accepts differences in personal preferences and beliefs among your close friends, should we act like a parrot and only repeat what our friends say ? Or should we utter what we believe in, even at a great cost?
To me it makes no sense that we can’t be our true self in front of our friends, so I prefer not to be a parrot. I don’t want to lose a friend for speaking my mind either. So the best way to resolve this is probably to remind ourselves that different voices is actually a good thing.
Humans are unique as each of us is shaped by our own experiences and beliefs. This leads to us having different perspectives and prioritisation. In a discussion/ argument, the interpretation of information and the subsequent “what’s right” or “what’s wrong” are really just opinions. If we only hear the same thing in our social circle, it means we’ve surrounded ourselves with too similar people. If our society only has one voice, it means those in power have silenced the minority. Hence, we should really be glad about having different voices in our community, even if the viewpoints are contrasting at times, as it is only scarier if we all think and react in the same way like robots.
If our society only has one voice, it means those in power have silenced the minority.
Back to the incident with my friend, I have restated the benefits of having a critical discussion, made clear that I did not disrespect her views, and apologised if she had felt uncomfortable during the conversation. She chooses not to talk to me still. It is a pity but there’s not much I could do on my side anynore right now. If you’ve read till this far, I’m just hoping you would agree to disagree if you’re ever caught in an argument with your friends and family.
We’re going to disagree with so many people about so many things in life, we don’t have to make everyone an enemy or a stranger. Just be rational, be critical and be understanding.
