How to approach conflict with your housemates
A guide for students
For students, May marks the start of exam season. It’s often accompanied by long days (or nights) in the library, essays, tight deadlines and ultimately, stress.
Combine all of these factors and you’ve got the perfect recipe for conflict between you and your housemates.
The techniques used by mediators offer a toolkit of approaches to either prevent disagreements escalating into full-blown arguments, or to resolve the conflict once it’s arisen.
Most of us would rather have as little on our plate as possible — especially during exam period. We’ve put together a cheat sheet to help you navigate your interactions, so that you can live with housemates amicably and free up brain space to concentrate on your studies.
Ground rules
You can’t force someone to talk to you
It’s not a good idea to force someone into a conversation if they really don’t want to talk. They might feel vulnerable or unsure of what they want to say, so giving them time to think is a good idea. There’s no harm in suggesting a time and place to sit down together, but if they really don’t want to, don’t force it. They might even appreciate your willingness to be flexible, and be more open to compromise later down the line.
Only address conflict in a one-to-one conversation
For the best outcome, everyone must feel safe and equally represented. Don’t arrange a time to discuss things and then invite other housemates along. Having a ‘many against one’ format will make others feel more defensive and less likely to listen to you. It is also best to choose a neutral location like the kitchen or the living room, rather than a bedroom.
Chat when you’re sober
Mediation helps everyone take a step back and consider the conflict from a more objective perspective. If you’re under the influence, the discussion isn’t likely to get very far.
Ever said something you didn’t mean after a few too many? Exactly. Take the time to talk things over when you are both sober, and ideally, avoid being hungover. (We know you can’t promise anything.)
Techniques
You’ve agreed a time to have a chat and you’re keen to get things sorted.
Follow these tips to get the most out of the conversation:
Let everyone honestly express how they feel
This is your opportunity to express your feelings. Honesty is vital to allow you both to come to a real solution, so don’t be afraid to say how you feel. It’s okay to let someone know that you’re feeling really upset about something. Also, giving each person enough time to voice their opinion will help everybody know where they stand.
Address your needs, not just what you want to happen
Deep down, we all have the same basic needs. When it comes to where we live, most of us just want to feel safe, comfortable and welcome in our own home. Let your housemate know this rather than saying things that could be destructive to open communication.
Instead of saying:
“It’s really selfish of you to play loud music all night, don’t you know other people live here?”
Try:
“I’m feeling really stressed at the moment because of exams and I need to get a good night’s sleep after I’ve been studying all day. If there’s loud music playing all night, I can’t get to sleep and it affects my work the next day.”
Much easier to digest.
Avoid language that might break down communication
It’s always a good idea to avoid swearing and using aggressive language when explaining how you feel. Building on that, it’s also good to avoid assigning blame to any particular person early on in the discussion — playing the ‘blame game’ makes people shut down and be less open to the feelings of others.
Stick to speaking in the first person and try to phrase things constructively. Phrases such as “Everyone in the house hates it when you..” and “It’s not just me who feels..” will make the person you are speaking to feel outnumbered and vulnerable.
Don’t just focus on the negatives
It might be the last thing you feel like doing, but if you can include some positive about your housemate, it will go a long way towards strengthening your relationship.
Avoid becoming Julia Stiles from that infamous scene in ’10 Things I Hate About You’ — presenting someone with a list of their faults is not going to work here.
What common ground is there between you, do you have shared interests or is there one part of their personality that really shines?
Honesty can also be useful here. If you’re asking someone to understand things from your perspective, offer them the same courtesy. Really listen to what they are saying — you’ll be amazed how people can soften when they feel that their point of view is being heard.
Be willing to compromise
To make sure the dispute is truly resolved, the solution to the problem has to work for everyone, and that will involve compromise. Forget about the one time this person did this, or that person said that — having a ‘tit-for-tat’ mentality will only get in the way of finding a solution that fits.
Accept that sometimes things aren’t always clear cut
In an ideal world, a dispute would arise, those involved would arrange a time to air their concerns and a solution would be reached. Sadly, we don’t live in an ideal world.
Sometimes, disputes can take a long time and many attempts to overcome.
Sometimes, disputes are never fully resolved.
It is important to see each step forward as constructive, no matter how seemingly insignificant the change is. You might not get your housemate to completely change their behaviour. But you might get a house of people who are constantly at war to be civil to each other on a daily basis — and for that, you should at least give yourself a pat on the back.
For more tips on mediation and conflict resolution, follow MESH on Twitter (@MESHCCS) and Facebook (MESH CCS Mediation Sheffield). Links to our social media pages can also be found on the homepage of our website.
Originally published at www.meshccs.org.uk on April 1, 2017.
