Every Bad Apology Your Tech Company Needs
We’re sorry if anyone was offended.
Published in
4 min readJun 2, 2014
- Sorry we haven’t updated our blog in a while.
- We apologize for the unscheduled downtime, which can be attributed to a routine system software update that in retrospect we totally could have predicted would cause this kind of problem. We will be addressing this problem immediately by forcing the responsible party to write a contrite and unnecessarily detailed technical post mortem on our blog. Once we have encountered the third such incident, we’ll hire a person over 30 who has actually encountered these kinds of problems before.
- We apologize for the inappropriate message communicated by our booth at last week’s conference. The signage, handout material, professionally printed banner, matching ad in the conference program, and custom t-shirts had all not been reviewed by anyone with even a grain of common sense.
- Hey everybody, sorry but we have some bad news: Our original printer fell through, so the t-shirts for people who backed us at the highest level are going to take an extra month or two.
- We apologize for our newest version being incompatible with the system update for your model of phone. As a workaround, we suggest staying on the older version of your phone’s software, so you can continue using our product while enjoying massive, known security issues.
- We’re sorry, you do not have enough available storage space to run this app. This is just the way it’s going to be from now on.
- We’d like to offer our sincerest apologies for thinking that writing an indignant open letter to Apple would somehow result in a different outcome from the other 245 times a company has tried this tactic.
- Our entire staff would like to offer their deepest apologies to all of our customers who were affected. We will be offering free credit monitoring and identity theft protection, but honestly what is even the point anymore?
- Both of my cofounders and I would like to deeply apologize for the examples used in our instruction manual. We have been informed that, in fact, Bahá’í is a “real thing” and will of course be updating our documentation to remove all of the offensive passages. We will also be donating to a cause and will let you know which one as soon as our goddamn accountant texts us back.
- We would like to say we’re very sorry for the loss of all your baby photos, and we will do our best to ensure that it does not happen again by fixing this problem before your children have children of their own.
- We are deeply sorry for the contents of the email message that was sent out while we were testing our new delivery system. But honestly, why were you even checking your inbox at midnight?
- Our entire engineering staff would like to apologize to each of the communities who were hurt by the language used in the comments of our source code. When we first open-sourced this project, we had assumed no one would read code that doesn’t even compile.
- Really sorry you guys, but this is gonna take a few more weeks than we thought. But there’s good news: Early backers are going to get *two* stickers!
- Our chairman would like to send his personal apology to both of the families affected by this product malfunction. We will of course be paying for all surgeries and rehabilitation therapy needed for these two users of our drones.
- In addition to complying with the FTC ruling, as an apology to our customers, we would like to withdraw any claims of regenerative properties for our entire product line, as well as disclaiming any stain fighting abilities.
- We are sorry we were never able to find a way to sustain this beloved product, but we’re confident that it will find a good home at Facebook during the first half of the duration it takes for our shares to vest.
- I would personally like to offer my apologies to our colorblind users, as well as to all of those with whom they share a checking or savings account.
- On behalf of our entire legal team, we offer an apology for the terms of service change which has proven so contentious. We will of course be reverting to our older terms immediately, though we reserve the right to revisit this clause again at any point in the future.
- As acting CEO, I offer an apology to our community of users and partners around the world, as well as the assurance that the beliefs of our founder and ex-CEO who has acted as the global face of our company from its earliest days have not had any influence on the culture of our company.
- Really, really sorry to everybody who backed us at the $75 level, but it seems like a typhoon destroyed the container ship containing our products, and also I haven’t seen my roommate in a few weeks and he was holding most of the money that we received. So we’re going to need a few more months to get everything together.
- Sorry! That file could not be found.
