10:00AM

Honestly, you shouldn’t even be watching this thing today. Apple leaked the big news themselves, and the rest of this is just a commercial. Do something more productive, like reading our last fake liveblog of an Apple event.

10:05AM

Apple boldly opens by noting that Walt Mossberg will keep getting free review units before anyone else.

10:07AM

In another bold move, Apple makes clear its intentions for China by redesigning the country’s flag. Workers at Foxconn’s factories respond by asking permission to briefly cheer about the news.

10:10AM

Continuing with today’s theme of “You’ve seen all this shit before”, Tim Cook explains all the stuff we already knew about the Apple Watch again.

10:16AM

Craig Federighi talking iOS8 now. Very big on a feature called “family sharing.” “We have expanded the definition of family to include anyone who would like to see your breasts.”

10:18AM

A round of applause for Klingon language support in iOS keyboards. I’m not sure why we’re trying to make fun of this event.

10:19AM

We’ve made your fingerprints easily accessible to literally any random app that your kid downloads from the App Store. That’s innovation.

10:20AM

iOS 8.1 is about addressing the biggest complaints we’ve heard. We heard you all complaining about planned obsolescence, and we’re addressing that by saying: “Fuck you.”

10:20AM

The moment we’ve been waiting for, when Apple reveals exactly how badly the technical debt is on their flagship operating system.

10:21AM

“OS X Yosemite is a real breakthrough in the design of the Mac’s operating system, and we wanted to share our inspiration for its aesthetic.”

10:24AM

“Safari users love tabs” is a nice shoutout from Apple to the fact that they inspire so many of Rusty’s rants.

10:25AM

Craig Federighi: “Soon we will celebrate a full decade of Spotlight not working.”

10:26AM

A lot of very exciting stuff going on with “Continuity,” Apple’s new platform for sharing object state. But absolutely no mention of faxing.

10:28AM

Continuity is an incredible opportunity to dodge a phone call three separate times by having to send it to voice mail on your phone, then your laptop, and then your iPad.

10:29PM

“With Continuity, hackers can incorporate your nudes into a Keynote presentation in realtime. Isn’t that great?”

10:29PM

“It’s exciting that Apple’s recent deal with IBM has already yielded a shipping version of Taligent.”

10:34AM

Awkward moment as we get the first-ever Hitler mention in an Apple keynote. This of course, would never have happened during the Steve Jobs era, due to Jobs’ envy issues.

10:34AM

Great news about Keynote controls with the new Apple Watch — anyone in a meeting will be able to advance your slides simply by making the “jerking off” hand motion.

10:35AM

Demo video of two dudes giving a complex handshake. Not content to simply copy Microsoft’s “Metro” design, Apple has decided to adopt Microsoft’s awkward and regrettable sense of humor as well.

10:37AM

Great to hear that iWork is being upgraded. iWork’s new update supports editing by up to 32 simultaneous users, so every iWork user can collaborate at once.

10:40AM

Tim Cook just said the iPad 3 Retina has 100% “Customer sat.” Which makes sense because 100% of people who can afford an iPad should be pretty satisfied with the world.

10:41AM

Tim cook just mentioned “The Virg.” Not sure what that is.

10:42AM

“What do you do when you make the best tablet in the world? You do that again. The exact same thing. Again.”

10:43AM

FIRE UP THE ARPEGGIATOR IT’S VIDEO TIME. There’s a new iPad. It’s thin.

10:44AM

Phil Schiller is here. His shirt is untucked. That means there will be six more months of only men on stage at Apple events.

10:47AM

The A8X is an incredible processor, but if you want to add even more power to your iPad Air 2, you can get the A387SX Math Coprocessor.

10:47AM

Oh god, that was a joke, there really is a coprocessor and they are talking about it.

10:48AM

Phil Schiller just brought up a picture of a parrot. “Did we kill this bird? With iPad, no one will ever know.” Then showed a video of the George Clooney wedding party passing by in Venice. “We thought there was no better way to demonstrate the iPad camera than by leaking illicit video of a celebrity’s private moments.”

10:52AM

10:53AM

Anil, this is so boring I’m thinking I might as well get into sports.

10:54AM

Hey Paul, are they really just gonna show an image editor onstage? Is this their way of lashing out at Adobe doing that event with Microsoft? Or just pure contempt for the audience?

10:56AM

Anil, I think that’s going to happen. Is this one two hours? I’m really worried. Also I think this man learned English from the Mac Zarvox voice?

10:57AM

“Next, we’re going to show off an app called Replay. Because that’s what today’s event is all about.”

10:59AM

Watching these videos of Europeans demoing software is like seeing a Ruby-on-Rails screencast come to life.

11:ooAM

Wow if there is a hell its interface will be live-streaming video.

11:05AM

A huge new range of difficult-to-differentiate products here demonstrating Apple’s relentless commitment to a simple product line.

11:05AM

Paul, I can’t feel my legs.

11:07AM

Anil, I keep updating but I don’t know where I even am.

11:08AM

They’re talking about Retina again and I can’t remember what year it is and where are my legs, Paul?

11:09AM

Anil. I stare into the void and it is retina.

11:10AM

Each Retina iMac is so high resolution that users can expect that they won’t be able to return the screen unless there’s nearly a million dead pixels.

11:11AM

Say “oxide TFT-based display again” please.

11:12AM

If I see one more image of the American southwest I’m going to lose my mind. 100% of Apple’s films are butte shots.

11:14AM

11:16AM

CORRECTION! THEY ARE UPDATING THE MINI FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE Y2K FIXES!

11:17AM

oh shit gotta go you guys
gotta buy a mini

11:18AM

This is an amazing range of products that can never be opened or modified.

11:19AM

Anil, I’m bummed about MagSafe 4. I really thought it would make it out this time.

11:20AM

Paul, I believe you mean MagSafe 5K?

11:21AM

Thanks, yes. Well, Anil, that was anti-climactic. Although I am excited by the iPad Performa.

11:21AM

Yes, Paul, thank god that’s over. Let’s never do this again.

11:22AM

Agreed. See you next time.