I’m going to start out with a question, because I’m told that is how you engage an audience. And it’s going to be on everyone’s favorite topic: the soul-crushing reality that we all die alone. So here were go…
What is the worst part of a breakup?
Lack of a support system? Losing a best friend? No more sex? WRONG.
Let me save you a painful trip down memory lane. The answer is easy:
Not being able to send that person content anymore :(
Think about it, my friends…
Over the course of a 1 year relationship how much ~content~ do you consume with someone?
•Netflix & Chill
•Pictures of Jonathan Franzen
Let’s look at some numbers: A study by Bufts University found that on average, one boring straight couple consumes MORE THAN 5,678 hours of content per year.
But let’s back up, babes…..
How do you convince someone to be your “partner in content”? We all know it’s a rough out there. To help answer this question, I consulted the experts over at Yahoo Answers. Let’s see what they had to say (six years ago):
Clearly, * PeRs0nALiTy * is the only way to convince someone to finger bang you while you watch American Horror Story.
I want to take a moment to talk about my mentor, an expert in the art of love and divorce. Every night before bedtime growing up, she’d read me a chapter from Danielle Steel’s “Power Play,” kiss me on the forward and then whisper:
“Remember, people will fuck a dud, but they won’t Netflix and Chill with one.”
Now, just to make sure you are still awake, I want to ask you another question.
How does one show personality in the beginning stages of courtship?
(If you didn’t come to this answer rather quickly, I’m worried about you).
But just “flirting” is not enough. Let’s go back to the experts over at Yahoo Answers, who never fail as a second-rate WebMD for emotional handicaps:
Try to ignore the fact that the person asking this question spelled “girl” wrong, and focus on the response. I’m a big fan of the idea that flirting is “shining your inner light.”
But how do you Shine Your Light in 2015?
We need less of this:
And more of this:
In My Humble Opinion, there is one answer, and one answer only:
“God exists, if only in the form of a meme with high survival value, or infective power, in the environment provided by human culture.”
— Richard Dawkins, Cool Guy With Great Opinions
These aren’t just my “theories.” I tested every hypothesis put forward in this Drunk Ted Talk in a Study, conducted in tandem with nobel laureate Mark Lotto and the highly talented team over at the The White House.
The clinical trial consisted of:
Maturity levels were unclear.
Different relationship dynamics
Friends, former lovers, crushes, ex-boyfriends.
San Francisco! New York! One goes to Brown, I think?
Mix of type
soft boy/fuck boi/bad boy/good guy/male feminist™
Identifying the perfect meme:
After a long deliberation process, the team decided to go with…
Booty had me like + a reaction gif
But to really wow someone, you need to go with a gif that’s a little bit more unique than your garden variety ANTM clip. So I chose something that really spoke to me, personally.
Booty had me like
The results were varied but stick with me…
First, my high school sweetheart reminded me why it didn’t work out.
But don’t you worry, things slowly improved!
[Names have been changed to protect privacy]
Now we are cooking with oil!
But don’t stop there. In response to “Todd,” go with something like this:
You’ll need one of these bad boys in no time: