Man Killed by Local Police in the Province of Judea

Covering Jesus’ Death, Today

Quinn Norton
Aug 28, 2014 · 4 min read

Dateline: Friday A Semitic community leader was killed by local police today in the Roman province of Judea. Details are still coming in, but it seems the man’s name was Jesus of Nazareth, and he was crucified along with two local thieves whose names are as yet unknown. Some people have taken to the streets of the provincial town of Jerusalem today, asking hard questions about why this man had to die. We are unclear yet on whether he was crucified with the others because he had been caught thieving.

More protest is building up in the town of Jerusalem, as a portrait of this Semitic community leader has emerged. Locals interviewed by this paper say that the man, who had the darker features of the local Semitic race and was shorter than a typical Roman, wasn’t based in Jerusalem. While known by some of the communities of Jerusalem, he was described as poor and itinerant, if well-loved by many who knew him.

A picture of Jesus has emerged as reports of growing protest on the streets of Jerusalem tonight. There’s a warm feeling for the dead 33-year-old, and Judean residents are saying they’re tired of this kind of thing happening to their sons and brothers.

A composite portrait of Jesus of Nazareth

“They tax us, they tear down our places of worship, and then they beat us and call US uncivilized. It’s a racket down here, our lives simply don’t mean as much as citizens’ lives.”

— Eleazar, recently relocated Jewish resident of Jerusalem

A notorius prostitute was one of the Nazarene’s regular companions, pictured here cleaning his foot with her hair.

Facts continue to surface about Jesus of Nazareth painting a disturbing picture of the self-proclaimed “Son of God.” Violent talk against local respected Pharisee leaders was common, and he had an ongoing association with an infamous prostitute, illustrated here. It’s a troubling development for the image of this otherwise peaceful man.

“What else do these troublemakers expect? I’m tired of Judea and I’m tired of their bullshit. They’re a troublesome bit of the empire, and they seem incapable of Roman levels of civilization.”

— Publius Pinarius (@pinarii)

Dateline: Saturday Today Roman officials released a statement saying that the crucifixion was probably in-line with accepted police procedure, but that they would be reviewing that procedure to make sure it was fair to the Jewish subjects of the Empire. Troop levels have increased in the city, and Roman legion captains are asking the Jews to stay in their homes. “We can’t have them moving around during this time of unrest, but we’re hoping to get the situation back to normal as quickly as possible,” said Legion Spokesman Titus Flavius. Officials also released a previously unknown illustration of a man who appears to be the Nazarene violently disrupting local small businessmen, and even whipping them.

New evidence showing recent criminal activity, prior to Jesus’ Friday run-in with the law.

On his popular radio program, The Lucius Cato Show, conservative commentator Lucius Cato today condemned the 33-year old as a radical element. “Dangerous speeches, calling for, I mean how else would you say it? Class War, socialism. And then this violence against legitimate small business owners, even of his own kind. It’s unacceptable. Jesus is typical of the Semitic-criminal element that threatens Rome today.”

While rebuking the harsh conservative’s words, some leading Jewish thinkers are calling for more accountability within their community. “We’re living in an epidemic of messianic delusions, our young people would rather follow grifters around than put in the hard work to become Roman citizens,” said a spokeman from the palace of King Herrod Agrippa, “That’s how they can have a real impact on the lives of their fellow Semitic subjects.” Previously King Agrippa has been known to argue with the Emperor that the treatment of the province’s people is too harsh, but also said Judean youth need to “shave their beards once in a while, and not be so afraid of doing a little imperial service.”

Dateline: Sunday The Judean Tribune released a biography of Jesus of Nazareth, sweeping through his life, between community supporter and organizer,and darker periods of advocating for unrest, and even violence. “His life paints a complex picture. As a Jewish messiah, he preached adherence to tax laws, but his speeches could turn suddenly vulgar, speaking of eternal damnation for business owners and community figures — both Pharisee and Roman,” said the article, bylined as Staff. “He may have been the Son of God, but he was no angel.”

Early Sunday afternoon, several of the popular commentators on the Jesus Crisis gathered at Cafe Herrod for lunch, just as some new ruckus was passing through the ranks of the dead Nazarene’s Jewish followers. The group, including A-list blogger Joseph ben Matityahu, walked by one of Jerusalem’s uncountable beggars without looking at him. “The jackasses,” muttered the old and maimed Persian man by the midtown Roman cafe which was, as always, full of media professionals. “They don’t even remember when they said all the same shit about Zoroaster.”

The Message

A Pandaemonium Revolver Collection. Season 2 stars @anildash @alanalevinson @ftrain @hipstercrite @itsthebrandi @jamielaurenkeiles @vijithassar @yungrama @zeynep. Season 1 available on DVD shortly.

Quinn Norton

Written by

A journalist, essayist, and sometimes photographer of Technology, Science, Hackers, Internets, and Civil Unrest.

The Message

A Pandaemonium Revolver Collection. Season 2 stars @anildash @alanalevinson @ftrain @hipstercrite @itsthebrandi @jamielaurenkeiles @vijithassar @yungrama @zeynep. Season 1 available on DVD shortly.

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