The Internet of Things Will Ruin Birthdays

Birthday harassment from brands and data tracking disguised as warm wishes

Some time in the near future:

You wake up to a jazzy MIDI version of the “Happy Birthday” song. Your smart thermostat and smoke detector are singing in harmony because today is your day. Your fitness tracker is vibrating in an unfamiliar Morse Code. Searching the internet, you come across a question in the support forums about it, explaining it is the preprogrammed birthday greeting silent alarm that you can disable after pairing the device again and updating your settings. Your bathroom scale, toilet, and garage door also welcome you with birthday wishes. Open up the refrigerator to another friendly jingle. Tropicana, Fage, and Sabra Hummus all wish you happy birthday. Now there’s an incoming message. It is the “birthday selfie” it snapped when you reached for the orange juice.

Your automobile navigation system is the next device with a special greeting. “Hello. Good morNING. And. Happy birthDAY,” the system says in its usual condescending inflection. Driving to work, your connected ring unexpectedly starts blinking and vibrating without a break. Startled, you slide it off and throw it in your purse. It is set to alert you to incoming Facebook messages. And today, on your birthday, there are…