Welcome to iPhone 6̶ 7, friend

Welcome to iPhone 6̶7.

Congrats on your purchase. We’re super happy to have you as a customer. Truly. Just super, duper happy. No, really.

iPhone 6̶7 is our pride and joy. It represents a zenith of contemporary industrial design and is, in our estimation, the most beautiful object ever made. But you don’t have to take our word for it, friend. You own it. It’s in your hands. Allow us to elucidate some of the finer points of its exceptional design.

We have spent countless hours engineering the thinnest, most powerful smartphone in the world onto which you will now put a case. We have burned untold person-years, an innumerable number of lifetimes screaming at assembly line workers to achieve perfect tolerances for you to cover with a phone glove.

One of the most satisfying industrial design elements of the iPhone 6̶7 is the curved glass, over which your thumb will never glide once you fit upon it a furrowed hunk of dead cow. Henceforth, each time you slide your finger from the edge of the phone inward — to move magically backwards within an app as if flipping an ethereal deck of cards — know that if you hadn’t wrapped the phone in toilet paper the experience would be much, much more satisfying.

The iPhone 6̶7 itself is so thin that unless we overcome physics, we cannot make the camera any thinner without distorting the optics. But don’t worry, friend, you will never feel the camera bump once you shelter our glass and aluminum modernist sculpture within a buttery smart condom.

The iPhone 6̶7 is our most powerful phone we’ve ever made, and yet, although it’s thinner and has a bigger, brighter screen, it gets the same battery life as the previous generation. Magic? No, just nights and weekends as our children were raised by nannies. We could have added a bit of thickness to the body — evening it out, for example, with the camera — giving you an additional hour or two of battery life. But, no, we wanted to keep it as thin as possible since we knew you’d veil our electronic surrogate baby in infertile silicone.

The back of the iPhone 6̶7 is precision machined from aluminum. Achieving this cost millions of dollars in metallurgy research. We’re like a goddamn clan of sorcerers. Flesh and blood, mother f’in alchemists. Enjoy the experience of touching that svelte, velvety, glacial, metal — melded to glass in ways the founders of our great country could have never dreamed — as you take the phone out of the box and fortify it with a dummy NES controller, never to caress it again.

The iPhone 6̶7 comes in a variety of colors. But it doesn’t matter which one you choose, since you have surely eschewed one of our elegant, fastidiously researched hues in favor of a glitter encrusted Lady Gaga sleeve.

Our grandfathers sacrificed their lives in world wars, lost limbs, left widows alone at home to raise children on their own, leveled communism, fought bravely for our free market, allowed us to elect a black president, and, perhaps most importantly of all, enabled us to focus on producing premium consumer products made of space age materials to take selfies and browse Facebook. And so, live knowing that each time you touch your case-clad phone, the terrorists have won.