Learning to listen
The strongest hands that you will ever know are those of your parents holding you up, not because they are actually the strongest person but because they have to be
I’m lying on the floor in my living room. My daughter is asleep in her crib and my son is sitting in his dad’s lap while he plays a game. My son is telling my hubby where to go in the game and what to do; it’s pretty adorable. My house is messy and I could be doing a million different things to clean, but I’m not. I’m sitting here enjoying the sound of my family. I forgot that it’s OK to do that.
To sit and enjoy each other: I also forgot how important that is to our mental sanity and the health of both our family and romantic relationships. It’s so easy to be swept up in the every day hustle and bustle or this month’s craziness that we forget to keep those small little things alive and well.
We very recently hit a VERY rough patch. I got laid off. And, like you do, we took a mini vacation! Technically, what actually happened is we needed to collect some signatures for some paperwork. But we all went because I thought that when we got back I was going to have a job. Which did NOT happen, which caused a mini panic attack, but I did file for unemployment.
Unemployment was a whole process. At first we were denied because they said I did not send paperwork that I did send via fax the day it was requested. This led to a small break down that included another mini panic attack or crying fit….either way, I was freaking out. I ended up appealing the denial and going to get more aid for food and such.
Right now I’m calm as I recount the story, but as we went through that ordeal I felt the most fear I have felt as an adult. Not knowing how I’m going to pay for rent or if I will have food for my son or formula for my daughter was horrific. I was in a craze trying to get all the help I could and applying for jobs left and right, which is exhausting at its best.
I felt like a failure, as a provider, as a mom and as a wife. My husband is amazing and stays home with our 3 year old son and 9 month old daughter. He was also looking for work — we figured whoever gets a job first would be the one out there. In the meantime he started to post some of our extra stuff — movies, toys, books — everywhere. Craigslist, eBay, Amazon: anywhere we could, this was a perfect time to purge.
We got so worried we looked into posting some naughty stuff online. We are by no means Greek gods or anything, BUT we were thinking of anything and everything we could do.
In the end we survived without having to post anything naughty — which I can laugh about now, but it was scary and daunting to think about in the moment. We came out unscathed. I finally got unemployment approved and we got food stamps. We also got a title loan so we could make our rent.
Eventually I got a job as well, thankfully. We were OK and would be doing fine in a couple of months. My brain knew this, but the rest of me seemed to maintain this heightened level of stress and anxiety.
My hubby, being the marvelous man he is, knew this and kept gently asking me what’s wrong, trying to get me to talk. Unfortunately, that’s not something that comes easily, Talking isn’t something I have grown up DOING. If something is not working, I learned to fix it or think of ways to get around it OR just change the whole situation. I was not brought up to think about the why.
If something bothers you, well…change it! That was my family’s mantra. My mother was always moving and doing things, constantly cleaning or fixing things, always productive. In a family of five there is always something to do! This was the perspective I was taught. I always saw movement, and I never saw my family really deal with negative emotions. What I didn’t realize at the time was, both my father and older sister suffered from anxiety and my mother was also dealing with depression. I was the baby so I never saw any of it, really.
They all had their own loads to carry but they never let me see it. I know this was done to protect me, but I don’t know that it was the best solution. But I thank every day that I had them there for me. The strongest hands that you will ever know are those of your parents holding you up, not because they are actually the strongest person but because they have to be…for you.
I had learned to push through it, fix it or change it, whatever needed to be done. Unfortunately, I never took the time to sit back and see WHY!! Why did I handle things the way I did? Why did I not let myself have an emotional reaction? Why did I not talk? Why did I have everyone at arm’s distance? I may have known why I did certain things, but I never took the time to step back and analyze so that I could change my behavior so that it did not happen again.
Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I have been to therapy. I always thought all of my issues could be blamed on that. However, I am learning some behaviors go back further and thanks to my amazing partner in life I am realizing that I will need to go back there and clean up some of my thinking so that I do not pass on this type of behavior to the two beautiful children that light up my life and so that I do not hinder the growth of the most beautiful relationship I have ever known, that love and bond that I was so very lucky to find with my husband.
Realizing all this has been difficult. I am pretty freaking stubborn as my hubby can attest to. But with his gentle and sometimes not-so-gentle prodding I have been reminded to talk whenever I have thoughts in my head, not JUST when I can’t keep them from overflowing and when I am overwhelmed. I’m 41 and still learning. Let’s hope I never stop!
