The End
I can’t remember loving you
And then one day, I didn’t love you anymore
I didn’t like you
I didn’t think about you
I didn’t dislike you
I didn’t hate you
We were different
I was indifferent
I didn’t care that you existed
I couldn’t remember why you mattered
Why your matters weighed heavily
And my matter was weighted
If someone asked what I saw in you
I could dig deep for an explanation, but
Even as the words bubble to the surface
There’s no depth left in my explaining
I can’t feel now how those feelings felt then
I can’t explain why it’s all gone
And since it’s all gone I’m not sure that “then” matters now
Don’t get me wrong…
I remember…
Everything
I can recall all of our history without rewriting the plot
I know how every light fleck in your eyes disappeared when you turned dark
And how each bone in your hands sat
Hills and valleys rearranged into fists
I memorized the length of your neck when it stretched
How it wound to protect your throat
Tight cables bunched into ropes as you screamed
I remember every bitter word of our foggiest fights
And how your skin smelled when your anger seeped into your sweat
I remember how you kissed me
Full lips teasing mine apart, pulling me open, tongue apologizing for what your words closed off
How every hard curve of your body moved against the softness of my skin
And I remember feeling full…
fulfilled…
Until I wasn’t
I remember needing you…
endlessly…
Until I didn’t
I remember being so broken at the thought of living without you that my breath caught and my chest ached into my arteries
How I wanted to curl up and die
But I didn’t want to curl onto your side of the bed
So I became smaller and lived on mine while I cried
Avoiding those fists and those fights and those eyes and those lips
But all this remembering and I just can’t imagine
How I got there
That place
Where I noticed everything and didn’t see myself
Where you were all I remembered
As I raced to forget me
And I wonder
What it was really like to love you at all
Because loving all of you turned into feeling none of you
And feeling none of you turned into loving me
And loving me turned into forgetting you
And now all that’s left is this weird fever dream of what you and I must have been
But there’s not a waking moment that it makes sense
I just can’t remember what it FEELS like to love you
And I guess that’s it…
That’s
The end
