Do you have Free Will?
Just some High Thoughts
This isn’t a trick, I’m just inviting you down the rabbit hole I’ve been hanging out in all night.
I want you to answer that question as a binary: yes or no.
Once you answer, I want you to answer another question:
Did you choose your belief about having free will?
Again, a yes or no is sufficient.
But this is essentially what’s been tripping me up all night. It’s the circular nature of the argument that gets me; it just seems like it’s such a fundamental truth to be so uncertain about.
I’m not sure if it’s that it’s a silly question to be asking in the first place, or if I’m just fixating on something that many other people have thought long and hard about.
Let’s pretend for a second that I do have free will and that I choose to believe I have it. How will I act because of it? That means I have the knowledge that my choices are under my control. That I’m capable of changing them if I will it so. That I can operate in the Universe in a certain way. It opens up certain possibilities in my mind.
From a pragmatic standpoint, I think that belief will affect my behavior.
Now let’s pretend that I have free will and that I choose to believe that I don’t have it. How does that influence my behavior? I’m choosing to deceive myself about the true nature of reality, so what would that entail? Writing it now, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to fool myself about the ultimate nature of reality, but could I be wrong? Could it be a good thing somehow?
Now let’s pretend that there is no free will, but I still “choose” to believe that it exists anyways. Well if there is no free will I didn’t really have a choice in whether or not I’m right or wrong. I just believe the things I believe, and I have no control over them.
But somehow, all my experiences in life have lead me to the conclusion that I do have free will. How is that possible? How could I be so wrong about something so profound and binary? Maybe it’s not so profound. And maybe it’s not so binary…
And then last but not least, let’s pretend there is no free will, and I “choose” to believe there is no free will. So I’m right, but it’s nothing to be proud of. I didn’t have any hand in it. I just happened to call the right outcome of a coin flip. No reason other than chance or fate, whichever you “choose” to believe in.
Somehow this setup of the question reminds me of Pascal’s wager.
If you’re unfamiliar with it, here’s the TLDR:
You should believe in God because the downside of not believe in it far outweighs the upside of believing in it.
See, I think part of why this is so confusing to me is being unable to properly define terms in my own head.
What exactly are “God” and “Free Will”?
They’re just words.
The first definition for “free will” on Google:
“The power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate; the ability to act at one’s own discretion.”
Great, so now we have words that are defined in terms of other words. What is “fate”? What is “one’s own discretion”?
If you’re a software engineer like me, you could look at a dictionary as a type of graph, or network.
Start with any word, read the definition, and then read the definition of every word in the definition.
What you’ll find are cycles, big and small. Some words used more frequently, others less frequently, but somehow conforming to a pattern: the exponential distribution.
It’s the same distribution of star sizes in the galaxy, of wealthy people to poor people, to sizes of bubbles in a bubble bath, and so many more examples.
It’s really freaky. I think it has something to do with positive feedback loops.
Anyways, my point is that words and their meanings themselves are circular. After all, the entire dictionary is self-contained. You can’t define a word in terms of another word that isn’t in the dictionary. If a word doesn’t have a definition, what does it mean? If it does have a definition, it’s in terms of other words that in turn have definitions.
It’s crazy.
I have no idea if the question of free will is even the right question to be asking, or if it even makes sense to ask. When words are so fragile, what can I even base this conversation on?
I say conversation like I’m talking to you, but really I’m talking to myself. You’re just reading my thoughts at some point in the future. Although I guess from your perspective, these thoughts happened in the past.
I’ve honestly lost track where I was even going with all this. It just seems like some message about being a good person, or making the right choices is too cheesy of an ending for this blog post, though I think that’s what originally compelled me to start writing this at 2am.
But going back to pretending we know what words mean again, this whole thought experiment revolved around the idea that it was possible to actually “know” the truth about whether free will exists or not. But I don’t really think that’s really something we can know.
So like, in my mind, I’m hearing the reductionist argument. You go down the smallest levels, and particles behave in certain ways that are predictable, and don’t really seem to hide any kind of “free will.”
And I have a lot of respect for all the math and reasoning that has been put into the subject of quantum physics over the years. But from my rudimentary understanding, there seems to some gaps in scientific knowledge. Places where our theories break down, like at the really small, large, massive, fast, far and early. Our notions of time, and what constitutes an “observer” for events, and how to interpret the equations of quantum physics aren’t totally settled yet.
It seems like there is this anthropic bias we have. Like we can’t observe the Universe from “outside” the Universe. It’s almost like that idea doesn’t make sense.
And so in that vein, it seems like there is room for a lot of possibilities. I consider myself a man of science, but I loved the quote from Hamlet:
“There are more things on heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
Things seem to have emergent behaviors. One gas molecule doesn’t behave like a trillion. Nor does one person behave like a billion.
We can model and predict collective behavior, to a certain extent. We can even do the same for individual behavior, again, to a certain extent. It seems like reality and perfect accuracy is always just out of reach. Kind of like our ability to predict exactly where a particle will land when traveling through two slits.
And the elephant in the room to me has always been consciousness. How do I even define it? What the hell is it? Why do I have it? Do even I actually have it?
If I’m made of the Universe, and I’m inside it, then part of of the Universe is “conscious.”
That seems odd to me. Why one part but not another? What’s special about this part that is conscious?
I’m constantly exchanging atoms with my surroundings. I’m made up of trillions of individual clones, all working together and coordinating with each other so perfect that they think they are one organism.
That seems so incredibly unlikely and impossible.
Yet, here I am.
Pondering my very nature.
Using the Internet to share these ideas with you, and persist them through time.
What is causing me to do all this? Am I choosing to do this? Or is there some kind of force animating me and directing me, and I’m just along for the ride.
I’ve done my best to explain the thoughts that have been on my mind for what feels like years.
And yet I don’t feel like I’m any closer to answers. It seems like this is the point where a lot of people turn to religion or some kind of belief system.
So I guess that’s what I’ll do.
I find joy in thinking about these things. You could say I’m drawn to them.
For some reason they come out more clearly when I smoke weed and when I’m by myself.
It feels like things just make sense. That they are the way they are and that everything is what it is.
I’m also generally pretty pragmatic. Beyond the intrinsic value of these thoughts, I think they can help guide me through life. I think there is value in thinking and seeing things clearly.
On a more personal note, it’s times like these, when I’m feeling lucid and clear headed, that I reflect on my own life and choices.
Who I spend time with. What I spend time working on. What I spend money on. What I spend time thinking about. What I worry about. What I dream about.
I think about the ramifications of not following up with an old friend. Or letting a family member down. Or choosing to procrastinate on writing a meaningful blog post.
And on a more positive note, what writing a blog post like this might stir up in someone else who reads it. What thoughts it will provoke to know that these ideas are now out there in the ether. That they somehow feel a bit more real and tangible.
What doors does writing this open? In me and in my life? What about other people’s lives?
As soon as you’ve read this, you can’t unread it. And that’s something incredibly exciting to me. It’s such a powerful concept. By writing this, I’m forever altering the course of whoever reads it.
That’s crazy.
When I think about things that way, I feel like I see how everything is connected. I may not see all the connections, but there are ramifications to everything I do or don’t do. Regardless of if I had a choice in it or not.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been sitting with this realization for a while now, and haven’t been sure about what to do with it.
But looks like I finally decided to share it.
And now that I have, I’m really surprised at how easily the words flowed right out, onto the page, and into your mind.
Fuck; weed is a hell of a drug.
