Losing the Fear of Speaking My Truth
What I’ve learned about becoming vulnerable as a survivor
Today, I tremble with anxiety I cannot get relief from.
I’m trying to overcome my fear of vulnerability and become more comfortable with sharing my most authentic, honest feelings and emotions.
Since I’ve started to write here on Medium, my goal has been to publicly share what’s on my heart. It’s my first time doing it, and I admit that becoming openly vulnerable and speaking up is extremely scary. My stomach is churning at the thought of it.
Then why do it? Why risk it? There are tons of people pouring their hearts out on the internet. It’s nothing new.
So what stops me?
Why all this fear?
Being vulnerable is triggering
I’m afraid of getting my emotions weaponized against me when speaking my truth.
Having been painfully rejected and neglected in the past when I was at my most helpless— it trained my brain through reinforcement that there is a danger in asking for comfort and sharing my emotions. If you’ve experienced this before, you know what I’m talking about.
Over time, a harsh, vicious inner critic grew inside my mind—the kind that shames and guilt trips me into helplessness and makes me hold on to victimization for dear life. I learned to avoid intimacy at all costs. And a way to cope with that was through isolation.
Staying silent gave a false sense of safety
Being completely frozen in isolation, I acted like I somehow didn’t exist, like nothing ever happened. I withdrew and vanished. Soon, I gradually felt myself losing touch with the earth. The depression ate me alive. I became emotionally numb, hopelessly lonely — all in silence.
It was like wearing a cold, rusty armor around my body, and I wore it no matter how much it would bruise me. It was a symbol of strength and boasting in the pride of being guarded. No one would dare come close or pierce through this shield.
I kept everything on the inside — and I would hold myself in a chokehold to avoid mentally breaking down from it, punishing myself for feeling. Ironically.
I became so used to being invincible, I didn’t want to show my face. I stopped showing up for anyone and myself, at least it felt safer.
Now that I’m on a journey of recovery, after carrying the weight over my chest from staying silent and withdrawn all these years, it all serves to remind me why I choose to speak up and embody my truth:
I’m more aware of its importance for me as an individual and as a collective needing to heal — even if I’m scared of speaking up, even if it feels like self-betrayal., staying firm and grounded in our humanity restores the connection to ourselves and others.
I’m learning that is a natural part of being human — letting down your guard and becoming vulnerable enough to share our true, authentic selves.
My voice- and anyone else’s voice, is valid. They have a place in this world, and we all deserve to be seen, valued, and heard for our truths.
I guess I’ve learned to shed my armor.
Working through self-doubt by knowing the why’s
As my inner critic tries to shame me into silence, I start feeling the guilt surface in my stomach — guilt about speaking up and putting myself in danger. I am filled with confusion, fear, and doubt.
Am I even ready to open up yet? Am I doing this right? Is this another self-sabotaging tactic? What do I even need to prove?
I remind myself that I am exhausted from pretending to be strong. Of pretending I got my shit together. In fact, I’m just some utterly boring simpleton who gets affirmation and validation from reading other people’s stories online (nothing wrong with that, we all do it).
What I miss is an open space for deep sharing. And sharing my story is probably an effort to create that for myself; the freedom of expressing my inner self.
As a trauma survivor, I wish there were more supportive spaces based on understanding in society. However, I’m sure that being transparent and sharing our experiences is one way of creating that.
Establishing new, safe boundaries
To start feeling safer in vulnerable communication, it’s essential to realize that we have a choice to retreat if it’s getting too triggering — that’s about establishing healthy boundaries for ourselves and others.
We can also consider how much we’re willing to share or reveal about ourselves.
Sharing without awareness of our or others’ boundaries sets us up for self-sabotage; We risk turning the opportunity into unwanted trauma dumping, and it isn’t always cute. It’s a subtle violation of emotional boundaries on both ends.
Sharing our vulnerabilities is a mutually connective experience, and it involves respecting the other person who’s in it.
Avoiding self-sabotage in vulnerable communication
Vulnerable communication is about finding a balance of effectively sharing our needs and emotions without holding ourselves back or sabotaging our intention. It’s about doing introspective work to find out what you truly need and how you can effectively communicate it.
Before sharing what’s on your mind and heart with another person, and keeping yourself safe (and sane) in the process, ask yourself these questions;
- Do I feel safe around this person?
Do they have a history of using your emotions against you? Do they tend to invalidate your feelings? Are they capable of self-reflection and taking accountability for their actions? - Is this person emotionally available?
Are they open-minded and have a healthy level of empathy? Have they comforted you where you felt validated, seen, or heard before? - Is this an appropriate time to share what’s in my heart and mind?
Does this situation seem inviting and safe enough? Are they currently battling a challenging life situation that makes them unable to reciprocate?
Vulnerability in practice
Having a willingness to practice becoming more vulnerable (when it’s appropriate), no matter how you might try to shame yourself out of it — means you’re allowing yourself to become just a little more assertive and acknowledging your autonomy/worth as a human being.
It’s a cue that something’s moving inside you. It means you want to grow and heal and find value in yourself and your voice.
Another sign is that you’ve started to process and heal guilt and shame that have prevented you from connecting.
Last thoughts
Silence often speaks louder than words and can be more effective than a chaotic rush of emotions — but it becomes dangerous when you’re not allowing yourself to express your truth;
Bottling up and suppressing emotions from trauma results in deep loneliness, further re-traumatization, and self-destructive coping mechanisms.
Being vulnerable doesn’t make you a pathetic or needy person— it makes you open to connection and experience life more deeply. It means cultivating empathy for yourself and others.
Despite being afraid of vulnerability, I’m taking the plunge, and probably not a graceful one. But if you’re like me and are exhausted from living life behind closed curtains, of living a lie— it’s needed to overcome this fear in order to heal. It’s the most empowering thing we can do as survivors.
Share your voice, share yourself; we need to hear you✊ No pressure.
If you made it this far and this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences 🌹
Until next time,
