Quality of Death
It’s okay to choose quality of life over quantity of life.
I’m going to say that again for the people in the back… IT’S OKAY TO CHOOSE QUALITY OF LIFE OVER QUANTITY OF LIFE.
In our society, we have decided that having the longest life possible is the ultimate goal. This goal can be seen in everything from the way we handle illness and disease to the way we talk about food, exercise, bodies, and more.
We have decided as a society that talking to someone about their perceived health is perfectly acceptable, whether they are a friend, family member, acquaintance, or even stranger. We don’t even have to know anything about that person’s health, goals, habits, intentions, or life to point out all of the things that we have noticed about them that seems like it might lower their longevity.
We moralize food choices, thinking that eating just the right foods in the right amounts at the right times with the right pairings will cause us to be healthier and therefore live longer.
We exercise as a punishment to our bodies, “burning off calories” and “sweating out fat” to increase our lifespan and stave off anything ever going “wrong”.
We describe people who die from things like cancer as having “lost the battle,” “gave up the fight,” passed away after a “courageous struggle.”
Healthcare is always focused on the cure, to the point where any side effect is acceptable as long as the original diagnosis is cured, managed, or resolved.
We refuse to allow people the dignity of letting go of their body in their own time, instead forcing them to endure tests, tubes, shots, long hospital stays, poking, prodding, experimental “treatments,” and more all in the name of hoping for a miracle, holding out for a cure, or even just extending their time on earth by a few months or even weeks.
ANYTHING is acceptable in the name of life extension.
But I am here to give another perspective. What if it is okay to choose quality over quantity? It is a doctor’s job to give all of the options and support the patient in making the best decision. What if one of those options was surrender? What if the best decision is to go home and enjoy the time left, eating delicious food, spending time with loved ones, laughing really hard at sitcoms, and treating the body with all of the love it deserves for carrying the person through life? What if that was a viable option given along with all of the treatments, experiments, trials, hospital stays, medications, and attempted cures? How would the quality of life for not only the individual, but everyone around them improve?
Those final days, weeks, months, or years could be spent loving one another, being together and enjoying one another, saying goodbye in a way that feels beautiful, intentional, and healthy. Rather than running about, giving medications, spending hours talking to doctors or sleeping fitfully by hospital beds after treatments that leave everyone involved wracked emotionally, physically, and spiritually, we could be spending our time in the divine paradox of grief and joy, understanding that the physical loss of the person is great, and that they will carry on into the next expression of whatever life for a soul may be.
When I write it out like that, it seems like that may be the harder decision. What do we do when there is nothing left to be done? When sitting in our pain, sadness, grief, and love is all that is left? Fighting until the bitter end keeps our minds, bodies, and hearts busy and distracted from grief, but it robs us those final moments of joy, connection, and love that may be available in surrender. It also means that when the person inevitably dies, we are left reeling, caught in our grief and the sudden loss of all that we were doing just to survive the bitter end. I think in these instances, quality is definitely preferable to quantity.
Now, none of this is to say that giving up is always the answer, that there is no point to taking care of our body, and that we should dismantle the healthcare industry. Absolutely not. Quality of life includes moving our bodies for joy and feeling good, in whatever way works for each individual body. It includes eating delicious and nutritious foods, finding what energizes our personal body in a way that feels delightful. It means going to health check ups, running tests, and allowing doctors to find out what is going on internally, and then, if necessary, working together to find solutions or management that supports quality of life. This may be treatments, medications, cures, even invasive procedures that will increase life in a way that also supports quality, even if the quality is delayed after a process of recovery and healing.
What I am referring to is when we have exhausted those options and what is left is either surrender or fight, when the fight will result in the devastation of everyone involved. When the body is clearly finished and yet we refuse to let go. When fighting becomes more of a suicide mission than an exploration of healing. This is when it is time to reevaluate and decide whether quantity is more important, or quality.
What if we made the incredibly challenging decision to allow grief to step in early, knowing that with it comes moments of delight, joy, and connection? Surrender is hard no matter the circumstances, let alone when it requires us to allow discomfort, sadness, and feelings of inadequacy or hopelessness in with it. However surrender has it’s own gifts, and I believe those gifts outweigh the difficulty and hardness of releasing a life well lived.
It’s okay to choose quality of life over quantity of life.
