- Three -

Death is Certain

NOW

I knew him once for a long time, a long time ago. We lived a lifetime, “connected at the hip” as the saying went at that time, in that place. Assumptions made, he has not wavered far from the he I knew then. Perhaps my logic means I knew him not or that I never knew him. What person honestly feels as though they know someone else, though? I know, no matter, that I do know him. He was part of me; I existed because he existed. Our lives were a symbiotic relationship of existence. Honestly, I would rather not talk about him, if that’s alright.

Yes, that’s quite alright. We’re here to talk about you anyway. [Laughs]

[Chuckles] I suppose so.

What about your friend-circle? People who know you are never shy about the way that you are. How would you describe yourself and your relationships be them familial or friends?

Most of the time, I am quite aloof, estranged from the goings on at the moment. Other times I am quite brash [chuckles to herself], unable to keep my own thoughts to myself; I say whatever I want whether or not I have something nice to say, in other words. Strangers, acquaintances, friends complain about this all the time to me, no matter who I am, when I am or where I am. For some reason, my vibe suggests that I am a person who you ought to burden with all of your troubles, concerns, esoteric questions and existential dilemmas. Despite my grievances, I always try to act as though I care for those people who are currently inhabiting my life, be them strangers or family. I used to easily tire of the wasted nonsense that is social interaction, but I quickly, around the tenth iteration or so, realized that in spite of my stoicism, I had to interact with people. I need information. This does not mean, however, that I need friends, want company, visit family. Quite opposite actually, the life I live revolves mostly around figuring out when the fuck I am, and then no less important but always coming in second, where the fuck I am.

But what does that mean when you say, “the life I lived revolved mostly around figuring out when the [fudge, pardon me], I am,” and then you continue with, “where the [again, fudge], I am”?

Perhaps think of it this way. Let’s use the example of a woman who does not fear death. Death as certainty is her life. Despite the death of her, even as her form continues on, she lives the life she barely knows while living within it. Death as detachment. Life as unknowing. In and with the discomfort of unknowing, she finds solace. Life goes on with or without her, and she always thinks that anyone who understands this no longer fears death in the self-centric, pity party, lost sense of “losing” one’s life, but rather, realizes her purpose as a willing participant within her own life, the necessary role that she must play in order to live within her life. Since, as she sees it, life goes on with or without you, thereby removing the necessity to fear death, loathe death, dread death. Instead, while you are part of the life that rolls on by when you’re “alive,” do what you want to do. Do what you need to do if you want to do those things. Do something for fuck’s sake. Do anything for your own goddamn sake. [For the reader’s sake, she does not speak in an angry tone at this. She, quite bewilderingly, uses profanity in the most elegant of ways.]

How does that answer the question I initially posed, though? I just don’t understand what you mean when you say you need to figure out when you are. Do you know what today’s date is?

Yes. I believe I do, today, at least.

See, like that. Why are you so unsure?

Do you know when you are?

Well of course. Today is [the interviewer checks her watch], it is one forty-three in the afternoon on Wednesday, January twenty-fifth in the year M37I8.

That is the answer to the question, do you know what day it is, today? I asked, Do you know when you are?

When I am?

Yes, when are you?

Well, I suppose, I am alive today, which I guess means I live in the day and time that I know it to be.

So, you’re okay with the agreed upon system of time management that you find the society in which you live abides by? And you fully trust the way in which that same society has taught you how to know the day and time? And you accept that to know the arbitrary labeling of “day” and “time” means you know when you are?

Have you ever given any thought to my question?

Have I ever thought about “when I am” before you asked me?

Yes.

I…Maybe.

Maybe?

Well, perhaps not exactly.

Okay then, what sort of question have you thought about that’s not exactly but perhaps maybe like the question I’ve highlighted here for you?

Uh…I ask myself things like, “What if I were born … at a different time?”

That’s good. And what sorts of thoughts pop up for you then?

Mostly I wonder if I’d still feel like the same me that I know myself to be right now. Like, would I still be me?

And who are you?

Do you not know who you are or do you wish to not share yourself with me?

A little bit of both, maybe.

Maybe.

Of course I know myself. I live with myself every day. [The interviewer repositions herself in her chair.] I can recognize myself. We do not know each other very well though, so I feel a little uncomfortable telling you everything about me.

So you have secrets?

Well, no, I mean, doesn’t everyone have secrets?

What is a secret?

Well, a secret would be something that you don’t want anyone to know or find out.

And why would someone have a secret?

I guess because he/she has done something he/she is ashamed of or maybe feels like he/she should be ashamed of.

Do you feel shame for something you have done or do you feel as though you should feel ashamed for something you have done?

Well, for me, maybe I just don’t feel like sharing so much of my personal life.

You feel a lot. Do you mostly live your life based on your feelings?

[Laughs], probably.

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