21 Painful Truths To Accept After Growing Up With Narcissistic Parents

When you grew up in a family where narcissism became a norm, it’d be too difficult to know the right and wrong.

A lot of questions left unanswered that up to this date, that girl, who’s used to the emotional abuse, has no idea why she feels the invisible burden. Forced to take the banner her parents wanted her to be without asking if it was alright.

For every single day.

And that girl was me.

Writing about my childhood and how I lived under these circumstances seemed extremely difficult to me, however, I chose to share it to give a glimpse of the real living with narcissistic parents.

1. It’s an extreme kind of “love.”

“Hey, I grew from the Philippines. You have a different culture. Maybe, you’re exaggerating a story. In fact, Asian parents normally behave that way.”

People may say that to me about my complaints, causing me to remain silent and hide under my blankets crying over it night after night.

They could remind me of my ethnicity and the norms of parenting. They could say “That’s how Filipino parents show their love for their children.”

If it was a form of love, I don’t want it.

2. It’s difficult to remember childhood.

Living with such a condition was my constant agony that erased my memories of a happy childhood.

I can’t remember how many times I have enjoyed playing with children of my age because I was locked up inside the house to study, guaranteeing my parents for a perfect score of a quiz the next day.

3. I always ignore my voice.

I can’t describe how I felt ignored with my needs and do for others’ instead. I can’t show my emotions, opinions, and complaints in front of them.

Lying was a habit. I remember many times how I faced bullying in grade school and suspension in high school alone without any form of parental support.

I was courageous enough to show up in front of the school principals and the parents of the concerned ranting at me with nobody beside me to protect me.

4. I have to be perfect.

“Nobody is perfect.” Anyone could relate to that but not me. I lived with people who believe the opposite.

Instead of accepting my flaws, I was brought up to intensive training to be an epitome of perfectionism.

From my penmanship, the way I stand, walk even on a six-inch stiletto, eat, sit, and talk. Literally, everything.

5. I have to be the Top 1 all the time.

At a young age of seven, my parents almost didn’t attend my quarterly recognition ceremony because I only got the fifth spot.

I could recall I stood on stage waiting for the school principal to pin a ribbon with “Honor Roll” printed on it beside my classmates.

All of them were grateful and cheering because they felt proud of their achievement. Except me.

I was in tears when I got mine after seeing my mom turned her back. I could see in her eyes how disappointed she was.

My father, on the other hand, didn’t attend the event because I wasn’t able to get the top spot.

6. I felt responsible for the banner of their marriage.

My parents got married without caring for being accepted. In fact, their civil wedding was a surprise, causing so much dismay from both families.

Because of that, at a very young age, I already felt obliged to the success of their marriage to the extent that I completely ignored my voice.

It felt like I was bringing the banner of their marriage success.

7. I am very weak in decision-making.

Making decisions for myself has always been the toughest thing I would do. Even when my sister asks me, “What do you want to eat?”

I couldn’t answer anything except, “It’s up to you.” The same thing with my fiance whenever he asks suggestions.

8. So, I don’t have full control over money.

Yes, even if I earned it after a whole month of hard work. My mother knows my payday and asks the exact amount of money I have. Then, she takes almost a hundred percent of it, leaving me a huge sigh. Sucks.

If you ask me, “What if you don’t inform her?” I did that many times over the past few years of working as a freelancer.

What she does was to sulk for days, making sure that she succeeds in making me feel guilty with what I did. She’s good at that.

If you ask me, “What if you just don’t know how to spend your money properly?”

Yeah, I’ve thought about that countless times. But what’s wrong with spending some bucks for a self-help book as a personal reward of working every month, right?

9. I struggle with emotional paralysis.

This is common to me. I can’t live with peace. Extreme anxiety seemed to wrap itself around me like a snake, choking me to death.

Unless my parents leave to work. My intense fear caused me a lot of trouble like I can’t move freely whenever they return home.

If I have to get something in the living room and it happened they were watching television at night, I intentionally control my breathing and panic.

I often plan my route before getting there through getting straight to the location of the object I wanted to pick up and immediately return to the bedroom, my comfort zone.

10. I extremely lack self-worth.

I don’t like to look at a person’s eye when talking. I always look down whenever they start a conversation and if an eye to eye contact is unavoidable, I glance and look away.

I don’t even start a talk even to family members, except my younger sister and the neighbor’s dogs.

Oftentimes, I allow other people to define my character and even personal beliefs which were supposedly personal.

Yet, I don’t have my own because I simply can’t decide which is which is proper and the best for me.

It even applied to my romantic affairs. In fact, I learned to fight against my parents when they started to intervene with my marriage plans and decided what they thought was best for me.

Relatives suggested leaving my fiance for good. And I almost fell into that trap seriously.

11. I lack self-confidence.

My parents normally bully me with my chubby figure. They pinpoint every flab I do have even my bust size which they think was inappropriate.

My height was also criticized. I was told to maintain a slim figure as I had six years ago.

Well, I was once in 52 kilograms after a year of eating once (I call it as a four-dumpling diet because I literally have four dumplings in a meal), maximum of 4 hours of sleep, whole day extreme stress from school and student council affairs.

In 2015, I lose a lot of weight after alternating my eating schedules. I ate once a day and the next I ate nothing but water.

I did an almost-whole-day of exercise plus extreme stress from work. I really had vertigo and was dehydrated since I lessened water intake to avoid bloating.

12. I didn’t have a clear image of my future self.

Like I pointed out in #10 and #11, I extremely lack self-worth and self-confidence so having no clear sense of what I really want to do was expected.

Since my parents have already defined what steps I should take as I grew up, I have no idea of my passion or at least something I want to pursue.

All I knew especially during my college graduation was I should get hired and earn money without knowing what specific job I should apply.

13. I didn’t have clear goals to achieve.

Believe it or not, my 3-year-unemployment gave me a sense of direction amid intense criticisms from my parents and my relatives.

Amid my avoidance to friends and even to neighbors, I was able to seek out possibilities of what I should be doing through trying a lot of things.

They were only possible when I became an official member of the NEET club, which stands for Not in Employment, Education, and Training.

14. If I have a dream, I chose not to chase it.

That’s because I was used to being pulled out from clubs I joined since grade school.

My aunt, who knew I have the singing talent, wanted me to join the choir (which I did, by the way).

My maestro named Michael recognized my ability to reach soprano the moment I sang the do-re-mi syllables.

He tested my vocal range until he reached the third octave at 9 years old. Any parent would say “Wow, my child’s talent was incredibly insane!”

However, it didn’t happen to me. I wished to have heard that from them. I would be encouraged to pursue that talent if they said those to me.

Instead, they told me I was wasting my time and forced me to refrain from entering the club even my maestro and the school pleaded not to.

As a result, I was silently sobbing from my first huge disappointment. I was extremely envious with my choir mates who were able to perform in front of the crowd in a big mall in the state. They were able to show what they’ve got except me.

A series of pullouts were made after that. So, it convinced me not to join any clubs even I was into one until college.

15. I suffer from agoraphobia.

I literally can’t leave the house. If I do, I usually have panic attacks and have to prepare at least 5 minutes of breathing exercises before I step forward and open the door.

Once outside, I almost sprint to the nearest store to buy something and head home after three minutes.

If I have to go to the city, which is about an hour away from our town, the longest time I could do is around four hours and have to go back home.

I don’t have the guts to roam around and breathe fresh air even in the nearby seashore.

16. A 30-minute walk is a struggle.

Because of the intense fear of leaving the house, I couldn’t bear taking some minutes of strolling around the barangay (equivalent to a county in the US).

Most of the time, I stay inside the house for 28 days per month.

17. I suffer from chronic depression for years.

Although I have not visited an expert to confirm it, tons of psychology articles confirmed my theories.

I hurt myself through slitting wounds in my arms and in my wrist many times from 16 to 18 years old, drank pills at 21, and starved for days at 23.

I became numb, emotionally distant, distracted, and unable to process emotions properly for a very long time.

What’s worse was I tend to watch a lot of comedy shows to laugh even for the corniest joke anyone could make as well as a lot of dramas to cry.

18. I am used to extreme manipulation.

Admitting it personally took me a lot of courage. I didn’t have any idea that I grew up with this.

Others may recognize people manipulating them, yet, in my case, I wasn’t until I met my fiance.

I took an initiative to search for the signs online. Immediate outburst happened after I learned them.

It was difficult to accept that I spent most of my life in this kind of upbringing without knowing it wasn’t supposed to be.

19. I can’t do things I wanted to do anytime I want to.

“Hey, where did you go today? What? At the mall? Come on, I bet you’re spending a lot of money with useless things.”

I’ve heard this frequently whenever they caught me spending time at the mall even if I didn’t spend a dime on anything.

They were quick to assume I have lots of money and convince me I did a bad decision.

It was a small problem. But it created a huge tension and a lot of arguments at home.

The same thing when I have to spend time on my hobbies. It may be blogging or making notebooks whatever.

Regardless of what I do, if it doesn’t give them instant revenues, they won’t like it.

20. I was always at fault.

Receiving blames was like an umbilical cord connected to my system. If I misplaced a small screw, my father usually yell at me “Stupid!” for placing it there.

If I got one mistake in my quiz, they call me “Idiot!” If I didn’t do well in my performance, they yell “Even stupid person knows how to do it, why can’t you?”

“Dumb!” “Stupid!” “Idiot!” were the most heard labels I hear from them. I thought that I brought my invisible name tag with those words printed with me.

Because of the bottled emotions for years, I emotionally broke down in a Catholic retreat house run by nuns and created havoc because of a small mistake of the retreat in-charge.

He was one of the scary professors at the university, scolded me in front of everyone five years ago.

But he was the one who managed my behavior and calmed me down after the incident. My parents didn’t know about it.

21. I have a shaky spiritual life.

Though not a devout Catholic, I pray. But I lacked depth whenever I interact with God.

I didn’t have consistency with my prayers and wasn’t honest with myself. It was painful.

Trying to examine my spiritual need, I have to meditate every single day. Reconnecting my soul to my energy, releasing all the toxic thoughts to live the best and fullest life I could have.

The sad thing was it wasn’t easy because I couldn’t find a time to be at peace as I was extremely worried all the time.

I couldn’t manage to stay on one particular task to another and focus until it finishes.

I was full of distractions compromising my spiritual routines. I couldn’t find time to read the Holy Bible which I used to do every morning and talk to God.

It was terrible. Really terrible.

It took me a while to connect the dots, cost me tons of barrels of tears and gigantic control to sink in everything.

It almost took my life, lots of encouragement from my sister and my fiance, who believed in me and what I am really capable of.

Overcoming difficulty from narcissistic parenting was quite a journey for me. Albeit the agonizing trauma, I didn’t regret I had that experience.

At least, I realized to do the opposite for my children later on.