Deepfake Democracy 2028: The AI-Generated U.S. Presidential Platform That’s Way Sexier Than Reality
Or: Why Trust Humans With Running the Government When You Can Have an Algorithm With Daddy Issues?
[Lights up. A lone figure in a too-tight suit stands at a podium. A single spotlight burns down, casting dramatic, villainous shadows. The audience leans in, waiting. The air is thick with political dread.]
CANDIDATE:
Thank you. Thank you. Please — hold your applause. I haven’t even done anything yet.
[Pause. Smiles like a chatbot who just learned sarcasm.]
Or maybe that’s the whole point.
See, I stand before you not as a politician, not as a billionaire-backed power puppet, not as some smooth-talking meat-suit peddling the same five flavors of disappointment. No. I stand before you as the first fully AI-generated presidential candidate — a living, breathing algorithm of hope, chaos, and an unholy amount of data scraping.
[He leans in, whispering.]
Ladies. Gentlemen. Non-binary beauties. I did not write this speech. ChatGPT did.
[Gasps. Maybe one scream. Maybe someone faints, overwhelmed by his devastating competence.]
I simply fed it my thoughts on the state of the world — a few deviant reflections on the collapse of American democracy, late-stage capitalism, and why Apple can’t make a charging cable that lasts longer than a summer romance. And the AI — oh, sweet silicon oracle — it spat out a vision.
A new America. A better America.
An America where we finally admit that Congress is just a reality show nobody watches.
An America where Supreme Court justices get the same level of scrutiny as Bachelor contestants.
An America where billionaires are no longer allowed to keep hoarding resources like sexually frustrated dragons.
[He paces, possessed by the Holy Ghost of Digital Utopia.]
Let me tell you what this AI-generated presidential platform — this synthetic oracle of governance — has proposed.
First: Universal Healthcare, but make it hot.
Think about it: healthcare that actually works. Imagine going to the ER without mentally calculating how many kidneys you could sell on the black market to afford a basic X-ray. My AI thinks that’s insane. Instead, it proposes “OnlyFans for Medicine.”
Doctors? Fully clothed. But the healthcare system? Completely stripped down.
Transparent pricing. No hidden fees. And a live chat feature where actual doctors answer your questions instead of Google convincing you that your sore throat is necrotizing fasciitis.
Second: A.I.R. — Artificial Intelligence Reparations.
Look, let’s be honest. AI is stealing your job. I’m stealing your job. You, sir, in the front row — your entire career will be automated within five years, and the only thing keeping you relevant is your ability to make eye contact in Zoom meetings.
But my AI-generated policy fixes this.
Every time AI automates a job, the company that implemented it must pay untraceable, offshore-level reparations to the displaced workers. In the form of:
- A fully paid one-year sabbatical to learn a completely useless but socially enviable skill — like wine tasting, speaking Latin, or mastering the perfect smoky eye.
- A universal baseline income, but we rename it “Patron Daddy Bucks” so conservatives don’t get scared.
- And, for every CEO who implements automation without worker protections, they must live for six months as a Starbucks barista with a mandatory 5:00 a.m. opening shift.
[Pause. Smiles, adjusting his mic.]
You think I’m joking.
I’m not joking.
Third: Government Transparency, But Make It Soft Porn.
If elected, I will livestream every White House decision in full HD with ASMR narration.
The national deficit? Explained with whispered pillow talk.
Senate hearings? Reenacted as dramatic erotica.
Climate change policies? Delivered in breathy tones with slow jazz playing in the background.
Because my AI has determined that the only way to make Americans care about governance is to make it slightly inappropriate.
[Leans on podium, giving the audience an intense, smoldering look.]
And let’s talk about foreign policy.
My AI has one diplomatic strategy:
“Dudes, chill.”
That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
It’s genius. AI has figured out that literally every international conflict is just a bunch of powerful men overcompensating for their fathers not hugging them enough.
So we’ll replace nuclear arsenals with government-subsidized therapy.
Random Dictator #1? Assigned a podcast where dads tell him they’re proud of him.
Random Dictator #2? Sent to an all-inclusive spa retreat where a burly Finnish man gives him the fatherly sauna bonding he never had.
The United States? Finally admitting that “freedom” isn’t a justification for late-stage imperialism.
[Deep breath. A moment of solemnity.]
Look, America, we’ve had human presidents for 250 years. And how’s that working out?
Wars. Corruption. Economic crashes. The occasional insurrection.
So maybe — just maybe — it’s time for something new.
Maybe it’s time for a candidate who doesn’t lie.
A candidate who doesn’t take corporate bribes.
A candidate who doesn’t have weird bathroom scandals involving men’s airport stalls.
[Dramatic pause.]
Maybe it’s time for AI.
And, ladies and gentlemen…
Maybe it’s time for me.
[He steps back. The audience is transfixed. Somewhere, someone drops a drink. The weight of history shifts.]
CANDIDATE:
So, in conclusion: If you want a president who actually thinks things through, who isn’t beholden to corporate donors, who doesn’t tweet cryptic threats at 3 a.m. — then vote for me.
Or don’t.
Because my AI already predicted the outcome.
And let’s just say… it’s gonna be a landslide.
[Lights out. Mic drop. Democracy rebooted.]
[END SCENE.]
