Establishing the National Mediocrity and Incompetence Reporting System (NMIRS)
Executive Order
By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, and in order to enhance governmental efficiency through the systematic identification and elimination of mediocrity and incompetence within Federal operations, it is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. Purpose.
The purpose of this Executive Order is to establish a comprehensive system for the reporting, documentation, analysis, and ultimate eradication of mediocrity and incompetence within the Federal Government. For too long, our nation has endured the quiet tyranny of adequate-at-best performance. Today, we declare that the era of “good enough for government work” has reached its bureaucratically predetermined conclusion.
Section 2. Policy.
It is the policy of the United States Government to:
(a) Acknowledge that mediocrity and incompetence exist in quantities previously thought impossible to measure using conventional metrics;
(b) Create mechanisms through which both Federal employees and members of the public can report incidents of mediocrity and incompetence with a level of detail and thoroughness that will itself border on the excessive;
(c ) Collect these reports in vast data repositories where they shall remain perfectly organized yet mysteriously inaccessible when actually needed;
(d) Apply artificial intelligence to analyze these reports with an efficiency and competence that will serve as an ironic counterpoint to the very problems being addressed; and
(e) Replace identified sources of human mediocrity and incompetence with automated systems that will malfunction in entirely new and unexpected ways.
Section 3. Establishment of the National Mediocrity and Incompetence Reporting System.
(a) There is hereby established the National Mediocrity and Incompetence Reporting System (NMIRS), an interagency initiative to be administered by the newly created Office of Exceptional Standards and Impossible Expectations (OESIE).
(b) The NMIRS shall create and maintain no fewer than seventeen separate but redundant online portals, each requiring different login credentials that must be changed every 30 days and cannot resemble any password used within the previous century.
(c ) Each report submitted to the NMIRS must be categorized according to the Federal Taxonomy of Inadequacy and Failure (FTIF), a 12,000-page classification system that shall be revised weekly without notice or explanation.
Section 4. Reporting Requirements.
(a) All Federal employees shall be required to submit a minimum of three reports of mediocrity or incompetence per week. Any employee unable to identify three instances shall themselves be reported for incompetence in observation.
(b) Members of the public are encouraged to submit reports each time they encounter a Federal employee who: (1) Fails to smile with sufficient enthusiasm; (2) Takes more than 0.4 seconds to answer a question; (3) Provides accurate but unhelpful information; (4) Provides helpful but inaccurate information; (5) Follows established procedures exactly as written; (6) Deviates from established procedures in any way whatsoever; or (7) Exhibits any other behavior that could, under specific circumstances and with particular interpretation, be construed as less than perfect.
(c ) All reports must be submitted in triplicate, with each copy sent to a different office where it will be stamped, filed, lost, found, misfiled, and ultimately digitized by an intern who spells every fifth word incorrectly.
Section 5. Data Infrastructure.
(a) The Secretary of Technology and Digital Enhancement shall oversee the construction of seventeen new data centers, each larger and more expensive than the last, to store the anticipated volume of mediocrity and incompetence reports.
(b) These data centers shall be located in remote areas to ensure maximum inconvenience for maintenance personnel and shall be built to withstand all natural disasters except the specific ones that will eventually occur at each location.
(c ) The total storage capacity shall be sufficient to contain detailed reports on every suboptimal government interaction since the founding of the Republic, with 40% additional capacity reserved for storing automated email reminders about the importance of filing mediocrity reports.
Section 6. Artificial Intelligence Implementation.
(a) The Director of the Advanced Governmental Intelligence Division shall oversee the development of an artificial intelligence system, hereafter referred to as the Mediocrity and Incompetence Terminal Oversight Navigator (MILTON).
(b) MILTON shall be programmed to: (1) Analyze all submitted reports with a level of scrutiny that would be considered excessive by even the most dedicated micromanager; (2) Identify patterns of mediocrity with such nuance and complexity that no human could possibly comprehend the resulting analysis; (3) Generate seventeen different dashboards displaying this information, each using a different and mutually incompatible visualization system; and (4) Ultimately determine which Federal positions can be automated, starting with those requiring the most human judgment and experience.
(c ) To ensure MILTON’s decisions are beyond reproach, its algorithmic processes shall remain completely opaque, even to its developers, and any questioning of its conclusions shall be automatically interpreted as resistance to progress.
Section 7. Workforce Transition.
(a) Federal employees whose positions are eliminated through MILTON’s recommendations shall be entitled to: (1) A guaranteed income for two years, to be delivered via a system so complex that understanding it will require skills far beyond those that led to their termination; (2) Education credits for retraining in emerging fields that will be automated approximately six months after they complete their studies; and (3) A ceremonial certificate acknowledging their service, printed on paper guaranteed to deteriorate within five years.
(b) The Department of Labor shall establish a Transition Assistance Program that requires displaced workers to complete no fewer than 47 separate forms, each requesting slightly different versions of the same information, as preparation for the new economy.
Section 8. Budget and Implementation.
(a) This initiative shall be funded through a special appropriation of $42 billion, approximately 73% of which will be dedicated to producing reports about the initiative’s progress.
(b) Implementation shall proceed according to a timeline that will be revised no fewer than 24 times over the course of the program, with each revision extending the projected completion date by an additional 18 months.
(c ) Success shall be measured by metrics to be determined after implementation has been completed, ensuring that any definition of success will perfectly match whatever outcomes happen to occur.
Section 9. General Provisions.
(a) Nothing in this order shall be construed to impair or otherwise affect the authority granted by law to an executive department or agency, except to the extent that such authority might actually lead to efficient operations.
(b) This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity by any party against the United States, its departments, agencies, or entities, its officers, employees, or agents, or any other person, except for consulting firms specializing in government efficiency who shall be retained at substantial rates.
(c ) This order shall be implemented consistent with applicable law and subject to the availability of appropriations, which, remarkably, will always be found for projects of such magnificent complexity and minimal practical utility.
(d) This order is effective immediately and shall remain in effect until superseded by an even more elaborate initiative with an even longer title.
THE WHITE HOUSE, March 24, 20XX
