Why I Write

When I was 8 years old I made friends with a group of girls and one of our favorite things to do was write fictional stories together. During recess we would act out our favorite fantasy books like the Harry Potter series. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was beginning to find my preferred method of communication: writing.

For context, I am autistic and had no idea at that point in my life. The previous school year, I was friends with only boys. I didn’t think there was anything weird about it until I was sitting with them in the cafeteria and a girl walked up and asked with a strange look on her face “Do you always sit with boys?” That moment has clearly stuck with me for years and is likely what gave me the push to make new female friends the following year.

With my new friends, I realized that I could relate to my peers through literature. I relied on media to show me how to appear “cool” or “fun” (AKA not autistic). It resulted in some awkward moments because obviously people don’t actually act like books and movies in real life. At least I could still use writing to process the world around me through diaries and short stories.

I started writing in journals and diaries when I was very young. I started journaling consistently in middle school. I felt overwhelmed and overstimulated with all my new responsibilities and social pressures. The only way that I could even try to keep up with all my thoughts was to write them down. During that difficult transition to middle school, I couldn’t find much relief at home because of some family issues. What got me through that difficult year was the time I spent writing a novel on my laptop alone in my room. I was isolated and emotionally neglected but I found relief in a fictional world that I could create and escape to.

I began to realize in high school that I could express myself more clearly in writing than I ever could verbally. Writing was my therapy before I found a therapist. I wrote letters, lists, poems, apologies, and goals. It was how I processed my overwhelming emotions. I still didn’t fully understand why I preferred writing until I started to understand autism better.

Writing cuts out all the social and sensory issues that verbal communication presents. When I am speaking to someone I am never only focused on the conversation. I’m also thinking about how to make the right amount of eye contact, how the background noise is giving me a headache, how I’m standing awkwardly, how I’m distracting the other person with my fidgeting, or how my tone wasn’t appropriate for the situation. It’s no wonder that social anxiety was my first official diagnosis.

So why do I write? Because it’s a way for me to communicate without the social and sensory obstacles of allistic conversation.