Attaining Equilibrium and Calm
Insecure and constantly angry with the world — or myself?
Insecurity
As a child and through school, I was a wholly insecure and consequently alone and lost person.
When I mentioned this to friends of those years, the answer was, ‘ you were hard to find, always buried in a book in some corner.’
They were not ignoring or ostracising me. My sense of inadequacy was doing it.
The Books
Thankfully, I had my books. This was primarily due to my Grandfather. When he discovered I could devour books, he made a wonderful condition — he would buy me two books of my choice every month if I read one that he chose.
So I read equal amounts of the Classics and Enid Blyton. Somerset Maugham, Mills, and Boons. Plays and poetry.
Shakespeare and Dickens collided with Barbara Cartland and Agatha Christie. Kipling and Sudden, R.L Stevenson and Louis L’amour and for wonderful laughs — P.G Wodehouse.
That introduction to the written word made all the ups and downs of my life bearable because I always had a place of refuge in the pages of a book and I was never really alone. I could be transported all over with different friends.
This got me through those early years, and I resorted to it through many years of my life. It also made me very well-informed and allowed me to find confidence later.
Discovering Self
I still had to remind myself that I was as good as anyone else, had the benefit of superb education, and was capable of holding my own.
It got better as I realised that I was able to converse intelligently and people wanted to know me. I did not need to hide.
I am conscientious and have a professional work ethic, which made me good at whatever I chose to work at.
It was a benefit that I also grew from awkward and skinny to slim and attractive. Outward appearances mattered.
Downsides
The downside of suddenly discovering myself to be competent, presentable, and sought after is that I became impatient with those that did not match up to the levels of perfection that I created for myself. Leading to impatience, short tolerance, and therefore constant stress and irritability.
This applied to all facets of life, work, family, and children.
I grew from shy and retiring to an intolerant demon.
What broke that terrible pattern?
I drove through rush hour traffic one evening, being my irritable self.
Cursing other drivers, scooterists, cyclists, and just about everyone on the road, including the lights, I ascended the top of a slope to a vista of smothering, pollution smog spread below me.
Through this shone the red ball of a setting sun, turning that smog golden. The smudgy buildings acquired ethereal magic.
The crowded road disappeared, and my spirit soared with that sudden beauty. It was almost an epiphany — the sudden realisation that I could look beyond that crowded road.
In that quiet moment, it dawned, that no one but me was affected by my intolerant yelling at unheeding motorists. My sense of equilibrium depended entirely on how I allowed the outside to interfere with my space.
Equilibrium
I started with the drives to work, which were all about crazy traffic from Gurgaon to Delhi and back. I chose routes that offered me pretty vistas. Lutyens Delhi and flower-filled roundabouts. The grand vista of Rashtrapati Bhawan and the fountains of Vijay Chowk.
I carried a book for long jams and traffic lights.
I smiled at the crazies that swerved and speeded on the road. I made my way to work and home ten minutes later than normal, but in a supremely tranquil state.
That tolerant bliss led to the understanding that my equilibrium was supremely important to my life. I had to find ways of not allowing it to falter.
I could take time to explain a concept to a co-worker. I could help instead of crushing a trainee.
The expectation that everything around me should work ‘as per me’ shifted to how may I work to stay unruffled and calm.
With that focus and a desire to find the positive, life becomes a party.
Suddenly the teachings of the Buddha do not seem totally out of reach.
Pavane Mann: Wandering is what I have done best, which introduced me to people, places, experiences, adventures, and great learning. Writing is my form of communication. www.pavanemann.com
