Commit a Microaggression at Work? Here’s How to Rebound
When a colleague has been harmed by your words or actions, focus on the impact.
He was the King of Kindness, and on that day, I was the Queen of Blunders. It was during the winter holiday season several years ago and a time when festive kitsch fashion abounds. Attempting to make conversation and offer a compliment, I said, “Tony [not his real name], I love your ugly Christmas sweater!”
His smile dropped, he looked back at me abashedly, and then replied, “It’s not an ugly Christmas sweater. It’s just a sweater that my Grandma in Mexico knitted for me.”
I must have apologized a thousand times, and although, he graciously accepted my apology, the King of Kindness wasn’t smiling as brightly.
As a diversity, equity, and inclusion educator, one of my goals is to help colleagues and clients avoid cultural gaffes like my ugly Christmas sweater blunder. Yet, sometimes, despite our best efforts, we all stumble and find ourselves echoing G.O.B.’s famous line on Arrested Development: “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
So how does one repair harm and restore trust after a misstep that makes the classroom, the boardroom, or the newsroom a less inclusive space? Considering this question before an issue arises, can help organizations and individuals be better prepared for when their royal blunder inevitably arrives.
Normalize Acknowledging Mistakes
The first thing that my own experiences have taught me is to normalize acknowledging missteps. Making this mindset shift can be intimidating, especially in a culture where companies and leaders too often choose spin over sincerity. In the short term, one may appear to escape accountability, but ultimately, defensiveness, deflection, and denial erode public trust and one’s personal credibility.
As the old saying goes, if you want to be trusted, be honest. When individuals and institutions normalize acknowledging errors, it creates an environment where integrity can flourish. Integrity and inclusion are often twin forces in the quest for social good.
Another step in repairing harm is to recognize the impact. My ugly Christmas sweater comment hurt Tony, and I knew so instantly by his facial expression. Regardless of my intended compliment, his pain mattered more to me. When a colleague has been harmed by your words or actions, your impact is much more public than your intentions; thus, address the impact first.
It is the same approach we use after a car crash when someone has been hurt; the first step is always to tend to the injuries. Examining the cause and explanation are secondary to helping the victims. Extend that analogy to the harm caused by failed compliments, offensive jokes, stereotypes, and sexism, and one better understands the philosophy of impact over intent.
Recognize that Microaggressions Harm
While some may attempt to dismiss an insensitive joke or blunder as “no big deal,” the research is clear: microaggressions and other acts of bias not only cause emotional harm, they also cause physical harm because they trigger stress hormones in the body.
A recent report in the Harvard Public Health Review states that “racism has been tied to negative physical and mental health impacts” and among those adverse health outcomes are “hypertension, diabetes, obesity, stress, and low-birth-weight.” These serious conditions are often caused by the accumulation of harm overtime or the daily microaggressions endured by employees from marginalized communities.
When harm has occurred, and the offending party leads with statements such as, “I didn’t mean to…” or “I was just joking…” that person is centering intentions over impact. Instead of leading with “What I was trying to say…” lead with, “I can see that I have caused harm. …” This shift is more than semantics; it is a sign of a deeper awareness.
When a coworker signals, either verbally or nonverbally, that something you have done has landed poorly and harmed them or team dynamics, apologize and thank them for holding you accountable. You may even consider apologizing and thanking them for their courage.
Working to make our campuses, offices, and Zoom meetings more inclusive spaces is difficult work, and those on the frontline of this work deserve our admiration, not our defensiveness.
That courageous coworker that pointed out your misstep may be the reason why you don’t repeat that same gaffe in front of a big client or donor. When viewed through this lens, it is easy to understand why those who alert us of our own biases and cultural missteps are tremendous assets to a team.
Share Your Commitment to Change
After acknowledging the harm that your words or actions have caused, one of the most important next steps is to share your personal growth plan and commit to it.
Sharing your growth plan could be as simple as, “I’m going to spend some time reading about digital blackface and avoid it in the future.” Or, “I appreciate you pointing out my pattern of behavior. In future meetings, I will not interrupt my female colleagues when they’re speaking.” Every strong apology needs a statement about the future because it shows commitment to change.
If there was a pre-existing relationship, it may be appropriate to ask the colleague for input on how you can begin to mend the rift in trust and collegiality caused by your words or actions. In this instance, lead with two or three things you are considering and leave the door open for their input if they wish to offer it. While they may not take you up on the offer immediately, watching you live your commitment to change will often generate future goodwill.
Even as a diversity, equity, and inclusion educator, I confess that there are gaps in my own awareness as illustrated in my experience with Tony, the King of Kindness. While I constantly strive to address these gaps, I don’t know every heritage textile, cultural faux pas, or updated term because culture is a living phenomenon.
As I strive for inclusion in this ever-evolving culture, I am sure that there will be a G.O.B. moment or even a Steve Urkel moment in my future when I am forced to reflect and ask myself, “Did I do that?” And when that moment arrives for me, when that moment arrives for us all, I hope that we resist the urge to defend, deflect, and deny, and instead, with humility, acknowledge, apologize, and adjust.
Cathryn Stout is a native Memphian and a researcher, diversity educator, and scholar of American cultural history. Follow her on Medium and LinkedIn.
