Why It’s Cool to Be Middle-Aged (And a dork!)
Today, I ask you to raise your glasses to middle-aged dorkiness. (It’s OK if no one under 38 knows what the heck you mean. We do, and we salute you!)
I recently told a seriously stinky 6-year-old to stop being a dork. (She WAS being a dork. She rumble-tooted on my leg and then cackled.)
I thought I was being super hip in my lingo.
Maybe not.
“Is a dork some kind of a bird?” she asked.
“No honey, that’s a STORK!” I replied.
“A DORK is a super cool old person like me. We are awesome because we have something you will need one day.”
“What will we need?” she asked, staring up at me with the biggest brown eyes I’ve ever seen.
“Wisdom,” I replied.
“Wiiiiduh?” (The effort was definitely there.)
Of course, I could barely understand what she was saying being that all she wants for Christmas is her two front teeth.
I paused to think before elaborating on my answer. I know kids are like sponges.
“WISDOM means we know all the neat things about life that you will want to know when you grow up. And guess what? We know it because we’ve lived it.”
Yes, we may seem amazingly out of date. But don’t let that illusion fool you.
I explained to my young buddy that dorks are people like us who lived in the dark ages before social media and cell phones.
Her response?
“Wait, you didn’t have a phone? Like hoooooow did you live?”
Of course, I didn’t tell her that a dork is really what our siblings called us when we wanted to come into their rooms at night — followed by a quick “NO WAY DORK!”
This led me to a very important question: Can anyone under the age of 15 understand anything I’m saying?
And what exactly is the appropriate vocabulary for 2023?
Unfortunately, I learned that just about every term we use is no longer cool.
In fact, the word cool is not even cool. One should use “fire.”
Fire is not cool. If I’m “on fire” it means I should stop drop and roll, right?
Apparently not.
But then again, I’m sure if I told a kid not to “have a cow,” they would think I was insinuating that they should not go to a farm and give birth to livestock. (Note to self: Make sure my young friend watches Sixteen Candles when she’s in high school.)
Talking to kids these days feels like I’m in a foreign country.
“Clap back” and “flex” mean nothing to me other than giving a round of applause and flexing your muscles.
Upon a very important panel discussion with a collection of 13-year-olds walking down my street, I learned that “clap back,” in fact, is a response to criticism.
I suppose that in middle age, life is full of “clap backs.” I clap back at frustrating criticism all the time.
But I also try to learn better ways to deal with people.
WISDOM.
And apparently, “flex” refers to showing off. I have nothing to show off these days other than my beautiful, saggy girls that I could Swiffer the floor with.
But they’re healthy, so I have no complaints.
More wisdom.
I was also educated on the importance of the term Kiki.
To me, Kiki is a dog‘s name. “My dog Kiki peed on the rug.”
If one is to broaden their middle-aged vocabulary, he, she, or they must know that Kiki is in fact chilling and gossiping.
I often gossip, but only about the rising cost of utility bills. Gossip solves nothing. It only fuels the fire.
Yet more wisdom.
You may be wondering if you, too, are a middle-aged dork. I can tell you the answer is probably yes; and if it is, that’s an awesome thing.
You. Are. A. Dork.
If you have Forenza jeans in your closet, you’re a dork. Not because the style is so out there, but because you’re showing your age.
But with that age, you can tell the REAL tales of the real 80s and 90s. You are a living, breathing form of media.
Your favorite dance moves may be the lawnmower, the sprinkler, and the running man.
Yeah, that’s pretty dorky. But you can also share what it was like when Michael Jackson did the moonwalk for the very first time, and what it was like to watch MTV when VJ’s were a thing.
You are an encyclopedia to learn from.
You remember the fall of the Berlin Wall and the Gulf War. You also remember why it’s important to put your phone down every now and then.
So hey, when that kid makes fun of your style and your hair, remember that it’s “lit” to be a middle-aged dork.
You survived the dark ages when there were no cell phones. (As if!)
You were also cool enough to call your parents from an archaic phone booth that has probably been replicated in a selfie studio somewhere.
But most of all, you have life experience and wisdom to share with the generations to come.
They won’t know what a Walkman is. And if you say “beep me,” they will look at you like you’re speaking a foreign language.
Yet, when they need life-changing advice, they will think you’re pretty awesome just because you’re old.
To being dorks…
I’m proud to be a middle-aged dork. Are you?
Suzanne Tyler writes about body positivity, happiness, her experiences with OCD/anxiety and the humorous (and sometimes heartbreaking) journey of life.
