The Daily Write
Over Committing to Others — At My Expense
Fear of failing others is causing me to self-sabotage
Jun 4: What are you most afraid of?
While catching up with my friend Alexandra over lunch, she caught me off guard when she asked: “What are you afraid of?”
My gut-level response was: “Nothing. Why do you ask?”
My independent streak runs deep, and feeling vulnerable in front of others is one of the things I avoid the most.
Why would Alex ask about my fears?
After a few minutes of contemplative silence, I replied: “I love what I do, but I’m facing burnout due to enormous stress and strain.”
Alex, who knows me better than most, said:
“No shit, Sherlock. I see BURNOUT flashing like a neon sign across your forehead. So, now tell me, what’s causing your stress?”
After experiencing a few waves of shame, I admitted:
“I’m afraid I don’t have enough time or energy to live up to my commitments. My fear of failing others is causing me to fail.”
Alex offered one of her wholehearted smiles: “Let’s talk through this apparent Catch-22.”
I agreed to reveal my dilemma’s circumstances, but first, I insisted on ordering coffee — the third most prominent fluid in my body, after water and blood.
“I feel like I’m always putting my commitments to others first — at my own expense.”
Alex wasted no time getting to the essence of my fear: “I’m not clear. When you say commitment, what exactly do you mean?’
“I mean that if I don’t reply to every email within the same day or if I don’t respond to every single comment I receive, I’m breaking my commitment to be professional, timely, and responsive.”
My commitment to others is a token of my respect.
Alex flashed her patented compassionate smile and offered:
“So, my dear ‘I-can-handle-everything-alone,’ you do this to yourself. Am I right?
This feels like self-induced pressure. From my perspective, you are sabotaging yourself.”
She continued:
“Where is it written that you have to answer every email or reply to every message? This effort must consume hours of every day, including weekends!”
I acknowledged that she was right while mentally calculating the time consumed by my self-enforced rules.
Alex was on a roll, and she wanted to know what I thought would happen if I didn’t respond within my self-imposed deadlines.
“Well, some clients and friends are likely to think I’m unreliable or, what is worse, arrogant, or they might stop contacting me because they feel I’m ignoring them.”
“OK,” Alex interrupted, “and what will they think of you if you stop writing altogether because your self-sabotage strategy worked and you burned yourself out?”
Gosh, she had a point!
“So, ‘Dr. Alexandra Sevastopoulos,’ what do you recommend?” — I offered a question as an answer.
“For example — she made a dramatic pause — stop replying to others’ comments until you’ve finished your writing for the day. You need to fulfill your commitments to yourself first.
“Reprioritizing your day will deliver a knockout punch to burnout. You’ll be furthering your career and reducing stress because you’re doing what you love — writing, sharing, plus taking care of your health.”
“Being of service to others is a meaningful way to live, but boundaries must be drawn and respected. And remember, your health was the reason you decided to leave your former career and move here.”
“Now, returning to my first question: What are you afraid of?”
After letting her logic marinate for a while, I answered: “Nothing comes to my mind at this time.”
The timid smile on my face indicated that I meant it this time.
KEY MESSAGES:
Overcommitting to others leads to neglecting and self-sabotaging our basic needs.
Burnout is not a trendy hashtag, but a severe condition not to be taken lightly. I was there once.
