Why I’m Okay With Being A Bad Friend
I have been told many times that I am a bad friend. The label always stings upon delivery. I begin internalizing the words, giving a megaphone to the voice in my head that constantly seeks to remind me that I am inadequate. “A bad friend??” I think to myself, “I am trying as hard as I can. Am I just a bad person?”
Over time and contemplation, I have found a few patterns that lead to someone bestowing this title on me.
1. I’m Not Being Honest About My Limitations
This one is big for me. I am extremely high on openness, extraversion, and agreeableness. Simply put, I can engage at a deep and intimate level with anyone and everyone. I am a conversationalist through and through. Because of this, people tend to misperceive my kindness and openness as being invested in their lives much more than I actually am. And while I would like to be, and have often attempted at tricking myself into being, I only can invest in so many people.
It does not mean I do not enjoy people. I love to be around people.
It does not mean I do not care about people. Most who know me know that I am very empathetic and love to be supportive.
Rather, it just means that I recognize that I have a finite amount of mental and emotional energy. I have to be realistic about when and where I spend it and be honest about it the way I interact with people.
It will often disappoint people. But I have found that it is better, to be honest, and disappoint someone than to make them believe you are more invested than you actually are and cultivate feelings of neglect and rejection.
2. We Do Not Share A Mutual Vision For Friendship
I have often found that when people are consistently disappointed in me as a friend, it stems from us having two very different ideas of what it means to be in a friendship.
I often do not talk to even my closest friends every week. In fact, I often do not talk to my best friends every month. This does not make me feel less close to them. When we do speak, it is like no time has passed. And if we need one another, we will make time. But aside from that, we allow one another to live our separate lives, and respect that we both have demands outside of our friendship that we are attempting to juggle and attend to.
This is a sort of secure friendship that I really appreciate.
But because this is how I generally operate as a friend, it is unsurprising that those who expect a text conversation every day and hangouts every weekend are quickly disappointed by my often distant approach to friendship.
Here’s the bottom line…
To some, I am a lousy friend.
And I have come to be okay with that.
Key Message: You cannot be a friend to everyone. Especially not a good one. And if you try, you will probably disappoint people and exhaust yourself. Do your best. Pick those relationships that matter the most to you and seek to upkeep and care for them. Choose other friendships that you will try your best, but limit your effort in, and be willing to dissapoint those people.
