I don’t like being “high maintenance”.

Monia Poncik
Sep 6, 2018 · 2 min read

Midlife Angst : Page 47

Without noticing I started sabotaging my process. I was feeling better, I took control of my sleep therapy, I could feel my energy return to me, I was planning things again, feeling less anxious, I was feeling ok! And then my ego kicked in, and I allowed things to slip away, one piece at a time: first the writing and documenting the journey, then the meditating, then the therapy. It was a domino effect, and I was mentally beating myself up to not being able to keep things in check. For not doing things perfectly. My anxiety was kicking as the hours during the day frozen by fears started to increase. I started doubting and panicking my actions as I continue to focus on making my health the priority. I am constantly aware of my my dwindling bank account and rise in credit debt as old co-workers and younger friends’ regal me with comments of their new jobs, busy lives and new purchases.

I slipped back into an old mindset.

As I started peeling back the layers of my onion, I found myself crying from the shame of my weaknesses. I admit that I halted my creative process and all my small life habits I was building because I did not like being aware of my weaknesses. During my journey of self-healing there is a huge element of self-discovery. I was feeling a deep shame. I hated having to explain my need to sleep at social gathering, that I will be going through the process of ADHD and dyslexia testing in the coming months. I felt “high maintenance”, I don’t like that I have to have rituals just so I can function like a “normal” person. I was no longer “easy breezy”, “go with the flow”. I didn’t want to be judged for my actions.

I am ashamed of the weaknesses of my physical body. I didn’t want to acknowledge them. So I slowly let myself stop…

From the shame research done by Brene Brown I know the only way to build resilience to my shame is to speak them. So slowly I started reaching out to my closest circle and telling them about the details of my journey, talking about my shames. I even revealed to my mother what I was doing for the next few months. Each time I spoke the words I could feel myself choke just a little, sometimes I would cry and feel the release of shame as the tears silently rolled down my cheeks.

I was reminded by my therapist that I need to remind myself of the bigger picture sometimes, that I am doing so much that it’s good to get out of the weeds and focus on the bigger picture.

Lesson: I am doing it for him, for Charlie. I want him to know that you can change your life circumstances with willpower no matter the situation, age, or income status. It’s not easy, but it is possible.

Note WIP: thoughts are unedited at this stage to capture the momentum of the creation process.

MidlifeAngst

100 Days. 1 Thought daily. 100 000 000 emotions. 1 Project. 1 Woman's attempt to apply a creative practice to building at midlife.

Embracing and documenting my Midlife Angst to see what comes out on the other side.

100 Days. 1 Thought daily. 100 000 000 emotions. 1 Project. 1 Woman's attempt to apply a creative practice to building at midlife.

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