Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

Peculiar Julia
Dec 25, 2018 · 8 min read
Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

26 December 2016

Via Certified Mail

Mr S Claus et al
The North Pole
Re. Cease and desist: Harassment

Dear Mr Claus

This letter serves as notice to you and all your little helpers to cease and desist all harassment activities against me right away.

On the night of 24 to 25 December 2016 you did enter my home without permission (potentially causing as yet undetermined damage to the faux 18th century chimney). Your actions are unwanted and annoying. As a result of your harassment I have suffered embarrassment in front of my friends (who all received much better gifts than me this year). This has been harmful to my reputation, and I am suffering from anxiety and distress as you, a stranger, entered my property at will in the dark of the night. Also the fire went out so now I have what they say is a cold but is likely the consumption, and Mother says the living room smelling of reindeer gave her a large headache on Christmas morning (which surely led to the argument with Father).

Note that your behavior is a violation of New York State Penal Law Section 240.25 — Harassment in the First Degree (chimney violation), Section 240.26 — Harassment in the Second Degree (elves), Section 240.30 — Aggravated Harassment in the Second Degree, Section 240.45 — Criminal Nuisance in the Second Degree (reindeer smells), Section 120.45 — Stalking in the Fourth Degree, Section 120.50 — Stalking in the Third Degree, Section 120.55 — Stalking in the Second Degree, Section 120.60 — Stalking in the First Degree, Section 135.60 (so way too much stalking) — Coercion in the Second Degree, Section 105.00 — Conspiracy in the Sixth Degree (sneaky elves), Section 120.15 — Menacing in the Third Degree (carrots).

If you do not cease and desist the harassment then I will be forced to take legal action and will seek all available damages and remedies. Daddy’s new lady lawyer friend is eager to represent me in this case.

Sincerely

ps. Please return the carrot, the mince pie, and the whisky shot taken on the night in question. Especially the whisky as I didn’t tell Father and now he thinks Mother has “hit the bottle” and his lawyer friend says she’ll help him with that too.

Pps. Actually, you can keep the carrot.

29 December 2016

Via Elfen Express Delivery

Virginia O’Hohohanlan
34th Street & Broadway
New York, New York (sic?)

Re. Cease and Desist letter of 26 December 2016

Dear Virginia

Thank you for your letter, I have filed it as per our usual filing system in the North Pole. We have two piles: “Naughty” and “Nice”; I am sorry to have to inform you that your letter is in the former.

With regard to your accusation of illegal entry, I assure you that I entered on personal invitation and have your letter of 1 December 2016 to prove it. The children in your neighborhood have been particularly well behaved this year, whereas there are some dark shadows hanging over your own behavior since that incident at your school. Should the opportunity arise please pass my regards to your teacher Ms McScrooge and let her know we have her new address at the sanatorium.

I will “see you” again next year. Remember my elves will be watching and that, even in a case as grave as yours, there is still time to make that “Nice” list.

Yours in a jolly but serious manner

ps. I’ve been sober 183 years, and my only elf partial to a dram left work early due to an unfortunate episode where he was mistaken for a crocodile during our Antipodean deliveries. I’m afraid it is likely your mother was the guilty party. As to the fire, your mother was sleeping when I arrived, her clothes in a rather charming disarray, and the embers already gone cold. Please do pass her my regards.

1 January 2017

Via Certified (recently repaired) Chimney Mail

Mr S Claus et al
The North Pole

Re. Cease and Desist Order

Dear Mr Santa

You cite my letter (copy in crayon attached) as an invitation, but I invite you to regard line 3 item 2, where I clearly state “iPad pro 2016 rose gold”. As said item was not delivered (and yet that Timothea Cratchit from no. 32 received such so you clearly weren’t experiencing shortages), you were outside the terms of any proposed agreement and therefore in infringement of my rights as an individual. It’s not like I expected the “a real live puppy with floppy ears and soppy eyes” but you could have at least got one thing right.

Should you willfully continue your abusive and deceptive conduct I will not hesitate to file a complaint with the Police Department for ongoing violations. I was distressed to find your letter threatened me further and you bring up the case of Ms McScrooge, and though I admit I was seen in the vicinity at the time of ‘the incident’ the whole thing remains “not proven”.

This letter does not constitute exhaustive statement of my position nor is it a waiver of any of my rights and/or remedies in this and/or any other related matter. Nor does it preclude any entitlement to a puppy in the future.

I demand your immediate compliance, and furthermore that you confirm in writing that all violative activity will cease immediately.

Yours furiously

Ps. Thank you for the chocolate mouse, but I trust it is not some insidious insinuation in relation to Ms McScrooge’s funny turn.

pps. My mother has asked me to remember her to you?

3 March 2017

Via: Exhausted Elfen Express Delivery

Virginia O’Hohohanlan
34th Street and Broadway
New York City, New York State

Re. Cease and Desist letter of 26 December 2016

Dear Virginia

Please accept our apologies for any perceived error on our part and the delay in my reply. I wish to reassure you that I have personally spoken with the elf responsible for the packaging of your present this year. Unfortunately she is hospitalized at present, the rigors of the Christmas season and subsequent customer service crises having taken their toll. I admit to feeling some personal guilt in this matter as it is uncharacteristic of me to be so much away from home (I am not generally prone to dalliance with the fairer sex), and she’s had to manage alone. She has assured me that everything was in order and the actual gift we delivered to you correct. In fact she lifted her tired little head and gasped out: “We gave what we could Sir, given what she did”.

I can only assume there was parental error on this occasion — as the item you mention was scheduled to be provided by them. Likely your mother had one too many before she hit “buy now” on Amazon — it happens to the best of us, and in her particular case I’d like to give my personal reassurance that she’s likely to remain on my good list for quite some time.

In expectation of receiving a letter from your younger sister and the delightful arrival of a recent rose-scented note from your mother, I am afraid we cannot agree to waiver our right to enter on Christmas Eve. However, I know the reindeer odor problem only too well and will endeavor to have my team pay more attention to their personal hygiene this year. I do hope you’ll accept this offer in the spirit intended and agree to be friends from now on.

I’m thinking you should leave the whisky for my elves somewhere more discreet in future, we wouldn’t want it to get into the wrong hands (besides your mother and I need to have a “proper” talk).

Yours

10 July 2017

Via my mother

Mr S Claus et al
The North Pole

Re: Cease and Desist Order Infringement

Dear Uncle Claus

Daddy gave me a puppy this morning when he came to tell me you have broken our family. He goes out every night with his lady lawyer friend. Mummy has stopped drinking but she’s putting on the pounds — she’s threatening to give us a baby for Christmas! My sister says she doesn’t even believe in you anymore since she found your hat in the laundry hamper. To cap it all Ms McScrooge has come to her senses and called a meeting with the Principal. Only the fact my parents can’t spend a minute in the same room anymore can save me now.

All I wanted was a rose gold colored iPad (2016 edition), instead I got a stupid gold colored iPad Pro and a chocolate mouse. Was this too much to ask? From now on I won’t bother to try to be good at all.

Yours

ps. Mother says we’re coming to yours this year, so I guess I can’t stop you from delivering your stupid presents.

Photo by Duffy Brook on Unsplash

Please note: No elves or puppies were knowingly harmed in the writing of this story.

To read more stories from December’s Dark & Holy Fiction Challenge visit and follow The Mad River Literary Journal and 13 Days Pub.

Midnight Mosaic Fiction

Where genres mesh beneath moonlight to conjure beautiful…

Peculiar Julia

Written by

Writer of poetry, prose, and the occasional rant. I like to feed the monsters under my bed with story cake and poem pastries. Is peculiar (Julia)

Midnight Mosaic Fiction

Where genres mesh beneath moonlight to conjure beautiful, dark tales.

Peculiar Julia

Written by

Writer of poetry, prose, and the occasional rant. I like to feed the monsters under my bed with story cake and poem pastries. Is peculiar (Julia)

Midnight Mosaic Fiction

Where genres mesh beneath moonlight to conjure beautiful, dark tales.

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