Ramadan Diary
Lessons from my first Ramadan
Well, my very first Ramadan is complete! I had many lofty goals for my first ever attempt at fasting and drawing closer to Allah (SWT). Some I achieved and others... not so much. The thing that most surprised me about my month of sacrificing food, make-up, perfume and sex, was the mental toll of Ramadan.
Initially, I thought that I would have so much extra time during Ramadan to write every day and document my journey in detail with my Medium audience. I was preparing a podcast that would be a spinoff of my Ramadan Diary series in which I would dive deeper into the topics of fasting, meal prep and reading the Quran.
None of which I did.
My grandmother died on the first day of Ramadan. On the second day, my husband and I were in a car accident. That same week he came down with a terrible cold while I contracted an infection.
I was beginning to feel cursed.
Instead of cheerily documenting my Ramadan journey, I would collapse on the bed after work and sleep, some days until 7 pm. My husband would wake me for Iftar and then we would pray, watch some TV, pray again and pass out. Day after day. I did the exact same thing. My energy levels were low consistently and any energy I had, I spent at work.
My husband was supportive and understanding but I felt distant from him because of our sudden decrease in physical intimacy. He wouldn’t even kiss me during the sunlight hours, this being his first Ramadan with a spouse, he didn’t want to break is fast.
The weekends were the most difficult. Without the distraction from work, I was left to spend the day watching my kids enjoy picnics in the park while I watched from the sidelines. No dates. No dinners. No fun.
Now before the messages start rolling in from born Muslims about the ‘true’ meaning of this sacred month, I want to remind everyone that I am a new revert. I have been Muslim for less than a year. I am only detailing my personal experience in all honesty. My intention is to connect with others like me who feel alone or who also struggle with the newness of their Muslim life.
Perhaps the most taxing part of the month was the absence of intimacy with my husband. I felt withdrawn from him in a way I hadn’t experienced before. I wasn’t used to the lack of physical touch during the month. I prayed to Allah to help me manage my anxiety and to keep my mind focused on the reasons we observe Ramadan.
I read that Satan is locked up during the month of Ramadan and so his influence can’t be blamed when you find yourself tempted or strained. Meaning that all the insecurities and doubt I was feeling were coming from within me. Satan wasn’t whispering that my husband didn’t find me attractive anymore, my mind was. The devil wasn’t telling me that my hijab made me look frumpy, my own critical eye was. I had blamed a lot on that evil jinni before Ramadan, only to realize I had some internal work to do, riding myself from thoughts of self-hatred.
Not only is the devil caged by Allah for those 28–29 days, but Allah also uses this month to forgive you of your sins, so that if you find yourself faced with extra burdens during Ramadan, it means Allah is giving you the opportunity to be forgiven from passed wrongdoing. And that's when everything clicked for me.
My grandmother passing away. The car accident. My husband’s sickness. My overly critical inner voice.
I wasn’t cursed. I was being forgiven.
Allah was looking toward me and decided that I was worthy of his special attention during this holy month. He was answering my daily prayers for forgiveness during a time when all prayers are amplified, and Allah is his most merciful.
I began thanking Allah the last ten days of the month for all he had provided me. I didn’t ask him for health or money or even forgiveness the way I would normally do. I just said thank you.
Thank you, Allah, for my family, healthy children, loving husband and supportive mother. Thank you for blessing me and deciding I deserved your time, love and most, importantly your mercy.
To sum it all up. Ramadan did not go ANYTHING like I had expected, however, I would not trade a single moment of the past month. I found myself praying more consistently and showing gratitude to Allah for the many ways he has shown he sees me and cares about me. My first Ramadan will forever be my favorite because it was the perfect example that Allah may not give you what you want but he will ALWAYS give you what you need.
Please share your Ramadan stories with me in the comments!
