College Graduate Excited to Pick People’s Brains Over Coffee Until Kingdom Come

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Feeling motivated to absorb as much knowledge as he can, new college graduate Nick Gavin told reporters Thursday that he was excited to pick people’s brains over coffee until kingdom come.

“Boy am I looking forward to picking people’s brains while downing some cappuccinos,” said the 21-year-old while hitting Send on the same email to every person on TIME’s List of 100 Most Influential People. “I feel like I have so much to learn, and what better way than asking well-respected people if I can pick their brains until I eventually die from old age.”

Determined to seek out the wisdom from the busiest luminaries, Nick even reached out to Elon Musk, requesting around-the-clock access to his packed schedule by emphasizing that “coffee’s on me, Mr. Musk.”

“When you think about it, picking people’s brains until the end of time is the best way to learn about a particular subject,” said Nick, adding that he was undeterred by his recent copy-and-paste email mistake of saying “Dear Bill Gates” instead of “Dear Béyoncé.” “I honestly don’t get why they don’t reply. I mean, come on, they’re getting a free cup of coffee.”

Realizing that nobody was responding to his emails, Nick announced at press time that he was completely overhauling his strategy, saying that he’s now willing to go the extra mile to also buy them lunch.

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