Influenza Strain A1N1 (“Alt News”) Affecting Millions of Americans
ATLANTA, GA — The number of Americans affected by the latest influenza strain, A1N1 (“Alt News”), has experienced a sharp uptick since January 20th, Center for Disease Control director Thomas Frieden confirmed early Wednesday morning.
“This is worse than the Spanish flu of 1918. The most recent case was a man who believed that Frederick Douglass is still alive and well,” said Dr. Frieden. “We haven’t tracked down patient zero yet, but our data suggests that he is a former resident of Trump Tower in Manhattan.”
A senior spokesperson for the CDC said that its scientists are still tallying up how many Americans have been affected, but White House press secretary Sean Spicer has denied allegations that A1N1 exists.
“We value the work the CDC is doing, but international relations between Vladimir Putin and Frederick Douglass are terrific. In fact, they’re having tea and crumpets in Moscow as we speak,” Spicer said to the press as he violently coughed out what witnesses describe to resemble that of a bull’s shit.
It’s unclear which cities have been affected, but early reports reveal that coastal cities such as New York and San Francisco have largely remained immune to the new influenza strain. “We’re holding up, but it’s a matter of time before our immune system and first amendment rights break down from exhaustion,” said Dean Baquet, executive editor of The New York Times.
After sending its best scientists in hazmat suits to Washington, the CDC was able to extract the active viral strain from contaminated civilians at the site of the outbreak.
“Upon sedating most members of Congress and White House staff with elephant tranquilizer, we quickly collected our samples and got out fast. Unfortunately, we did not find the the most lethal carrier, Kellyanne Conway,” said CDC scientist Dr. William Thompson.
As the CDC works hard to develop a vaccine for the American public, we were reassured by White House staff through Twitter that, “This “virus” is a lie told by the media to discredit my name. And for the record, I had breakfast with Frederick Douglass earlier today. Very smart!”