Last Piece of Calamari Wishes Somebody Would Just Eat It Already

BROOKLYN, NY — In what felt like hours watching the group of friends all eyeing him, recently deep-fried Colin the Calamari told reporters Wednesday that it wishes somebody would just eat it already.

“The wait was just killing me,” said Colin, adding that watching the three friends politely urge each other to eat him was more boring than C-SPAN. “It was getting pretty ridiculous. Like, Craig would tell Ashley that she should eat me, but then she’d defer to Courtney, but then Courtney would defer back to Craig. I mean, seriously?”

When it became obvious to Colin that none of them was willing to eat him without first offering the other two a chance, he became very depressed when he realized that his purpose in life had been for nothing.

“You know, it’s one of those things where I really had high hopes for my life calling,” said Colin as he wept while the three friends entered into a best 18 out of 27 Rock Paper Scissors contest for the last piece. “I was ready to join my fellow comrades in the after-life, but these assholes wouldn’t let me. I should have just stayed in the ocean where I didn’t have to deal with this bullshit.”

On the verge of committing suicide to end his misery, Colin the Calamari felt a flicker of hope when Courtney’s boyfriend Randy joined the table and was encouraged to take the last piece.


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