Package Shipped: Thoughts and Prayers, 7 oz

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

We’re happy to inform you that your recent order of “Thoughts and Prayers, 7 oz” has left our warehouse and is on the way. Your package should be delivered within the next 3 to 5 business days, though we have received reports that it can be as fast as a tweet gets posted. While your order en route, we’d like to let you know how to best use our product. Here at Thoughts and Prayers, Inc., we strive to deliver the most substantive customer experience.

Enclosed in your package is 7 oz of the best “Thoughts and Prayers” we’ve ever made. It’s the next-generation of our older product, “Thoughts and Prayers, 3 oz.” We increased the quantity without compromising the quality you’ve come to expect from us. You’ll be surprised to see that there are way more thoughts, and especially prayers, in a smaller size and weight. We’ve also gone to great lengths to deliver 20% more battery life so you can hold on to those thoughts and prayers a bit longer before they disappear into thin air.

One common question we receive from customers is that they don’t see anything in the box. This is expected. The magical quality about “Thoughts and Prayers, 7 oz” is that it conforms to whatever you want it to be. We firmly believe that customers ought to choose what they want in the thoughts and prayers they receive, and this is the best form factor to support it. Form therefore should follow function.

If you’re dissatisfied with your purchase, we have a 90-day money-back, no questions asked return policy. We’ll even cover the shipping and handling costs. However, we have trade-in options if you’d like to try out our other products, such as “Just Thoughts, 5 oz” or “Agnostic and Culturally-Sensitive Prayers, 8 oz.” They pack less of a punch than our main product, but they’re tailored for anybody who possesses a shred of hope.

We hope you’ll enjoy using our latest generation of “Thoughts and Prayers, 7 oz.” Our engineers and social media crew have worked tirelessly around the clock to build this just right for you. Pivoting from our previous venture of delivering non-perishable food, clothes, and financial aid has been a difficult business decision for us, but we believe that this new market of thoughts and prayers is the future.

You’re in our thoughts and prayers,
Jim Richardson, CEO