Study: Dinner Organizers Struggling to Satisfy Every Friend’s Food Preference at Major Risk for Heart Attack

BALTIMORE, MD — In what scientists are claiming to be a growing concern among people who dine out, a study published by Johns Hopkins University in the American Heart Association revealed that dinner organizers trying to satisfy every friend’s food preference are at major risk for a heart attack.

“Comparable to that of a poor diet high in Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, spending a long time on Yelp to find the perfect restaurant increased one’s chances of a heart attack,” read the report, adding that, between the various dietary restrictions and budgets of dinner attendees, dinner organizers may as well consume raw lard.

“Subjects noted that there was always that one person who’s vegetarian and others who do paleo,” said Dr. Tracy Baker, “and that juggling between those, let alone not picking a single $ spot because they didn’t want to be seen as cheap nor $$$ out of concern for their cheap friends, drastically spiked cortisol levels.”

Even if dinner organizers had no history of heart problems, their heart rates increased when somebody requested that the restaurant should “feel cozy but also upscale” and the impossibility of satisfying that requirement with cheap friends who preferred somewhere that’s “similar to Chipotle.”

“We never expected this correlation,” continued Dr. Baker, citing that some subjects spent upwards of eight hours finding the perfect restaurant. “Fortunately, we observed that their cortisol levels lowered when they found a restaurant with four stars and two $$ signs. However, most of them restarted their search once they read in the reviews that the service was poor.”

At press time, Dr. Baker stressed that while subjects’ heart health eventually returned back to normal, many dinner organizers claimed that the feeling of witnessing their friends enjoy the restaurant they spent hours finding was comparable to that of an orgasm.