The Scientific Method of Finding Love on The Bachelorette
Finding someone to marry is just as easy as finding a tri-fold poster board the night before a science fair.
By Lindsey Myers
One of the foundations of experimentation is the scientific method. We all memorized it in middle school, and it is one of the pillars of research. In a recent burst of genius, I realized I was watching the scientific method unfold somewhere unexpected. It’s the one, the only, ABC’s The Bachelorette. So few of the show’s couples actually find long term love. Perhaps due to the fact that the show’s process models the steps of the scientific method, without the precision needed for it to succeed. There is more glamour, impromptu tropical getaways, and tear-resistant waterproof mascara — but not enough carefully obtained data.
Full disclosure: I barely tuned in this season, but this article was inspired by my disbelief that Rachel and Bryan end up together. A modern day reality TV tragedy. I needed a way to make sense of this clear chemical mismatch.
Step 1: Making Observations
First impressions are everything. Especially in a TV universe, where contestants are literally given roses (a.k.a., a pass on to the next week) just for making a good one. Every woman with hopes of falling in love with the season’s chosen man puts on her best My Super Sweet 16-style gown, saunters out of a limo, and delivers a one liner so cheesy, even the creators of Kraft Mac n’ Cheese get a lactose-induced stomach ache. The Bachelor uses this limited sample and some meaningless cocktail party banter to determine who he keeps, and who gets the boot in week 1. Unlike an actual science experiment, no background research is done by the person making the selection. This is how people who are still married, live in a chicken coop, or are just trying to sell Fit Tea on Instagram make it to week seven.
Step 2: Research
On the show, research comes in the form of group dates and challenges. The all mighty Bachelorette gathers her lowly suitors to compete against one another for her heart. Unlike in a lab, the research parameters are not controlled to ensure results of the utmost accuracy. Instead, contestants are thrown into wild situations that result in actions far from ordinary.
Hot tip: if you’re afraid of heights, leave that out of your application, or you will probably end up bungee jumping off the Sydney Opera House.
In the early weeks, the Bachelorette spends most of her time with contestants in these high pressure situations. This creates a major flaw in that it is nearly impossible to see a person’s true colors. A natural dating environment is not properly recreated. Some men are too anxious to be themselves and fall off the radar, while others thirst for attention and leave embarrassed. Is it possible to achieve a happy medium? It’s been twenty-one seasons and I still don’t know.
Step 3: Forming a Hypothesis
In theory, the Bachelor makes decisions based on what his heart tells him. In reality, we know that’s somewhat true, but not the whole enchilada. Producers encourage and insist upon certain contestants who bring high drama staying in the picture. This forces the Bachelor to send people home who he hasn’t really gotten to know yet based on snap decisions. Also, keeping around these ratings firecrackers creates distractions, and makes it even more difficult for the Bachelor to focus and determine who is his best match. A flawed hypothesis can lead to flawed results AKA broken marriages.
Step 4: Testing the Hypothesis by Conducting Experiments
Thankfully, the Bachelor and Bachelorette have the opportunity to test their love hypotheses in the form of one-on-one dates. These are a little bit less zany than the group outings, but still full of adrenaline and emotion. The contestants get little (if any) time alone together, so they feel like they have to let it all hang out. It’s hard to leave a date consisting of a candlelit dinner no one eats, private performance from a pop-country star, and a moonlit stroll with any skeletons left in your closet. One-on-ones are probably the most useful tool in hunting for your future spouse, but they still often result in confusion. When you have no contact outside of these sparse outings, it’s easy for wires to get crossed — like not knowing that someone you’re in love with doesn’t want to propose to you on a show that is designed to end in a proposal. (I’m fine, I promise.)
Step 5: Analyzing Data and Drawing a Conclusion
Small conclusions are made each week in a rose ceremony, but the big kahuna comes at the series finale. The Bachelor proposes to his chosen woman, or The Bachelorette accepts a proposal from the one her heart desires (side note: it’s 2017, can we just have the woman propose to the dude already?). There have been FAR too many cases in which the show doesn’t end with a happy engagement. Or even worse, when a year passes and the engagement is called off before you can say “breach of contract.”
When we apply the scientific method to the structure of this bizarre, but wildly entertaining show, it all makes sense. You won’t get valuable results without a well researched hypothesis and strong data that supports it. Just like you won’t actually find your perfect spouse in a weird game of California Sims played by a group of producers. But, we keep watching, so who is the real loser here?
