Creating a Masterpiece — at the Intersection of Curiosity and Judgement
Last week, my husband and I got into a fight about the layout of an intersection in the city of Oakland. It is a new intersection that connects a new bypass over the freeway into the city of Alameda. The lanes are poorly marked and directional signs are scant. Our fight erupted because my husband remarked that they organized it badly and it was all wrong and I jumped in and defended the city fiercely — saying that we don’t know what rules, challenges and elements were in play to end with this relatively shitty intersection. The fight was heated. My feelings were hurt. I felt like my husband was being a judgey asshole.
The next day I realized my insanity. I was upset because I was JUDGING my husband for being judgey. Sigh.
How often do we see this pattern go down INSIDE the chiropractic profession? We see chiropractors openly criticizing each other for choices in practice management, technique of choice,execution of that technique, social media presence, teaching anything not deemed “chiropractic” enough, not being successful enough, being too successful, or just defining success differently. Judgement and criticism abound in chiropractic — very openly and very often.
All my life I have struggled with judgement.
I can remember crying, heart broken, in middle school because a girl I thought was my friend was telling other people she didn’t really like me. She judged me and found me undesirable for friendship.
In friendship, social settings, school, and even at work, I would encounter judgement. I wasn’t doing it right. I made a mistake. I didn’t wear the right clothes. I didn’t please the teacher or the boss.
The heartbreaking thing I felt — while being judged — was the unfairness of it. The conclusions being made were not accurate. The “judge” was taking snippets of information, out of context , and applying them universally. One little mistake was being held up for all to see while my many successes were being ignored. The judge was missing information and huge elements of context — but still holding me responsible for things they didn’t understand. It wasn’t logic or reason coming up with the verdict. It was nasty and quick and utterly unreasonable. Judgement made me feel sick to my stomach.
I combated this judgement with achievement. I would be a model employee, always on time, friendly, loyal, and relentlessly competent. I would get the A or the gold star and I would be able to carry on without fear of judgement because I had cracked the code to avoid harsh judgement.
Can you imagine the challenge — the mental gyrations and emotional twists — required to avoid judgement?
I’m sure you can — because you too have twisted yourself up, to avoid judgement.
We cannot avoid judgement.
We live in a world where judgement is a weapon — used to bolster the perceived power of the person doing the judging.
Your boss or teacher judges you in order to control the environment they “command.” Social media is chock full of people publicly passing judgement on others, calling people out on their posts, passing along snippets of information to defame someone. And we lap it up like cats with a bowl of milk, eager to know the latest gossip and hyperbole. They do it and we do it because in the moment it makes us feel more powerful, more accomplished, more in control.
Judgement makes us feel like we belong. We want to belong to a group who sees a thing and reacts the same way — positive or negative. We jump on the judgey train so that we can find our tribe.
Jumping on the judgey train makes us feel like we belong. It’s that simple.
We cannot be a creator and a critic (judge) at the same time.
My soul is called to create. I am a maker and a builder of things and ideas. I love to share and play and try new things.
Judgement devastates creativity. It is nearly impossible to be creative AND careful — much less creative AND afraid.
But still — the judgement is around me everywhere. Sometimes, I still fall into old habit of being judgey.
Here is the trick I have found: Drop judgement. Hold curiosity.
Curiosity and Judgement are related — like cousins. They both hold a lot of interest in what other people are making. They both watch closely. But they have distinctly different ways of interacting with the maker. The intent is keenly different between the two.
Judgement looks at what is happening and quickly hones in on the thing(s) he perceives as wrong. He does not assess — he jumps to point out the errors — and there is always some error or mistake to point to. Judgement is happy to share his observations in public, and often goes out of his way to proclaim what he has discovered.
Curiosity is also quick — quick to find things she cannot understand. She looks at the project, the idea, the original work in front of her, and she begins to ask questions. She sees that she does not know enough to render a verdict. She is not even interested in a verdict. She just wants to know more.
When Curiosity sees something — whether it is successful or not — she still wants to find out more. She can learn from anything. She finds the creator and watches and asks questions.
I love Curiosity. She is my spirit guide.
When I find myself judging — I turn to Curiosity. She reminds me that I don’t know. She reminds me of the many things I thought I knew that turned out to be false or incomplete. She reminds me that when I am curious and accepting I can learn more, make more, and find more authentic opportunities.
Curiosity also helps when I feel judged. Curiosity reminds me that I have options. My own sense of curiosity allows me to release the emotional charge of feeling misunderstood and be curious enough to try to truly understand others.
I can only control myself. When I engage in judgement — I feel more judged. When I engage in curiosity — I feel others curiosity. Like attracts like. Even those who judge are judging me, I can more quickly release it and respond with curiosity.
Curiosity is a gift. Curiosity in a generous tool - a tool that strengthens with use.
I urge us all to find more curiosity as chiropractors and entrepreneurs. Listen deeply — not to have an answer but to understand. Come into a situation knowing that you cannot see the entire situation and therefore cannot quickly grasp the whole truth. Find the part of you that does not have to be right or know the answer.
Be curious. Ask questions. Seek to truly understand.

Hi. I’m Mary. I love storytelling, chiropractic, communication and marketing for millennials. And sailing. And coffee.
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