My Coping Mechanisms For This Pandemic Are Failing

I remember when they announced the lockdown when this was just starting out

I complied, we all did, but it was never clear how serious this issue was about

And at that time I thought it was just a 15-day quarantine

But now, six months in, my coping mechanisms are failing

Image was drawn by author Andrew Beso

Initially, my humor was on the dark side, if these are the last days and God’s brutal judgment

I might as well subscribe to Spotify premium to remove the advertisement

Also on Youtube, LinkedIn, and PornHub no more paywall — I was thinking, that’s money well-spent

Just an update: I have now unsubscribed to them all.

At the beginning of this work-from-home situation

I mimic the usual workday, somehow an office simulation

I was excited to share my different productivity tips

I had a lot to do, all written on my quarantine checklist

Day 1 was setting up my own distinct work station

Day 2 was making sure lofi hiphop playlist was on

#QuarantineJournal I post it on every Facebook status, at the bottom, just for documentation

But eventually, I grew tired of keeping track, because there’s a different number I had my eyes on

COVID cases are rising on every nation

On week six I showed my tricks because I started doing calisthenics

I was kicking, flicking boredom away, thinking I could overcome it

I was feeling homesick, and don’t panic it’s not the “sick” sick of this pandemic

But I was at home…really feeling sick.

I’m sick of this government

And now I heard the news about the extension of our predicament

And I tried to decode everything, dissecting the back and forth, twist and turns of every statement

How taxpayers’ money will be spent?

Shouldn’t the priority be the health department?

What does a “temporary” and “fading away” pandemic meant?

As early as April 1, we see these clowns trying to break down science as something anybody can articulately expound without any health or medical degree

“This crisis is a joke!”

Don’t choke, the guy was dead serious on national TV.

So this is how it’s going to be?

Our company shrunk by fifty percent with all the redundancies

My friend’s aunt, a doctor, is now one of the fatalities.

But many still prefer to believe the lies and conspiracies?

So I ranted online, allotted so much time, crafting a message, that’s the kind that would hopefully open the minds of the ones who are blind

And sure, it was liked and shared multiple times by friends who cared, but it still did not work to many people online

I was too optimistic, I guess, that this political mess would have one less faceless troll who could only care less of the actual deaths.

Feeding the masses with baseless claims, dumping on the truth

And the funerals of thousands are now coffinless, without any guests

With my written words, with the feelings I unload, I thought it would have worked

My strategy went from ranting, to arguing, to just making them see, and now I resorted to using empathy

Like, “Hey, Karen, here’s a real-life example that you could have been in.”

“What would be your reaction be if you were the victim?”

Please say you’ll be angry, please demand for government liability, I thought

But if they refuse to speak up, what else could one do, really?

Writing, communicating, rationalizing is my coping mechanism

But if I can’t even convince them, then why bother with all these fuck’s I’ve been giving

So I refocused my attention to other people in my life

I reached out to my friends and made sure that I’ve

Sent a video, an audio file, a chat, maybe a meme I don’t know

Just to maintain a human connection, I have to do it digitally now though

The new normal demands some innovation

So thanks to Zoom, Viber, Discord, and any other application

We get to do some social hangouts and unique activity

My best friends were game for a trivia night or a pop culture quiz bee

But after some time it kinda loses it magic, our schedules became hectic, or at least that’s what I think?

My officemates were down for some online drinking session, for a couple of weekends that’s how it has been

Zoom calls covering different topics, both gossip and politics, we were like a news magazine

But I had to do some work late night one time, while a friend’s internet line can’t connect at all, another friend all of a sudden became unavailable, and one by one attendance slowly crumble.

It was inevitable.

At least there’s radio and podcasts which have been my company usually

I explored different audio entertainment just for a change, diversity

It’s quite too many as what my download history would have showed

And oh I made a podcast with a friend but it only lasted for two episodes.

It’s not their fault and definitely not mine either

But with this pandemic shrouding us, there’s uncertainty on the commitments we can deliver

We wait, we hesitate, our energy will always fluctuate, unsure of what to anticipate

Because unlike the times before this crazy 2020, we physically see our friends constantly

And if they’re not doing anything, it’s safe to assume they’re most likely interested and free

But now hidden behind computer and mobile screens, we’re not sure what exactly they are doing

And even if they are not busy, just laying around, staring blankly in the ceiling, it doesn’t automatically mean availability

Do I ask for their time?

Or just wait for an invite?

And no invitation ever came.

Because our friends waited all the same.

We’ve been subjected to this global quarantine protocol

But we’re clueless on how exactly to cope, no guidelines at all

I’ve seen many people change their profile pictures into black

Many small businesses and companies were reported to have shut

I’ve been messaged by a former schoolmate or two if I can lend them some money just for an emergency

I’ve seen posts of distant friends asking about any job vacancy

And if this is all what one could see, they say self-care should be the priority

But am I the only one who feels discomfort with that?

I mean, I get that we’re all helpless, but if my privileges ran out, who’s got my back?

And so we tried everything, God knows we want to survive and prevail

But if it means anything, I think our coping mechanisms will eventually fail

And no, this doesn’t mean death, I’m telling you this not as a threat

This is just a statement of fact that we have to accept

That in the magnitude of this global health crisis

It doesn’t require too much of an analysis

To conclude that a pandemic is not the same as a break-up

Which you deal with by having a brand new haircut

It’s not the same as an excruciating tooth extraction

Where a kid copes up with the pain by having ice cream on a cone

If it’s not obvious to you yet, then let me get this one thing clear

One single incident causing shock and fear?

That’s not the same trauma here

We’re dealing with a pandemic that’s invisible and slowly creeping in

Whose impact is felt across the globe, no matter where you are residing

We can’t just rely on one method of coping that can forever withstand

The surges of frustrations brought about by worsening political mayhem

Coz we now see state leaders compromising our welfare just so their vested interest fit in

And at a health crisis, you’d think that our only concern is COVID-19

But there are many things coming our way that’s worse than a virus

Economic recession, frontliners dwindling, and the prevalence of fake news

And it’ll be one to two years before there’s a global supply of COVID vaccine

Until then, it will be a slow agonizing death, literal for most, but for the rest, our souls will die from within

That is…if we stubbornly hold on to just one coping mechanism

So from the point when the lockdown started, you don’t have to show face

of toughness or being unaffected

It’s not weakness to refuse to participate in any race

Or if you do try, it’s okay if you end up defeated

If you choose to meditate but still get distracted, it’s okay

If you use art to create but the output is something you absolutely hated, it’s okay

Stop trying to display that you got it all figured out, because I’m telling you no one does

But, wait, what the heck, no, I’m not romanticizing giving up

If your way of coping loses its effect, then it’s about time to come up

of new methods of dealing, I’m telling you there’s a lot

There are things you’re overlooking, you haven’t tried, this could be an endless list

Art therapy, retail therapy, music therapy, or maybe all you need is an actual therapist

It doesn’t have to be a progression of your chosen activity

It’s okay to go up and down, stop and pause, just show your authenticity

Coping can be ugly, coping can be alone, coping can be material or it can be spiritual, coping doesn’t have to be grand or anything flashy

So as of the moment, my new coping mechanisms at hand is a new chopping board, and a new set of knives

It’s watering, talking to my plants, and watching them grow and thrive

It’s joining an online community, hanging out digitally every weekend

With beer on our hand, Zoom live concerts, it’s a cyber gig, we’d like to pretend

And yes, it’s possible that the comfort these things bring will soon be depleted

But it doesn’t mean my quarantine story has already ended

So I will keep on writing, working, hustling, ranting, and maybe discovering something new

And if your coping mechanisms fail, it doesn’t mean the failure is you.

Andrew Beso is a Manila-based content creator who is exploring different ways of sharing art — whether it be written, spoken, and visualized. Aside from being in Medium, his work can also be seen on Youtube, Instagram, and Tiktok.

He is using his undergraduate and master’s degree in Economics and Political Economy, respectively, in discussing social issues through creative expressions.