“The Fracture”

There has been a fracture between you and me. A division. A disconnect. A misunderstanding & a fog between your desires and my desires…

For the longest time, there’s something that’s not lining up. It’s as if all the puzzle pieces are scattered, and we’re trying to solve two puzzles at once. This is why I’ve been hesitant to make content. On the forefront, I apologize. I’m sure it’s as if I do this out of laziness. But for this entire time, I’ve been putting all my effort in finding out why our two different puzzles haven’t been coming together. This has taken a furious amount of months — and yes, even years — to figure out. And my hope with this article is to make an understanding between us. An address to this fracture. A way you know where I’m at, and a way to know where you need me to be.

I worked as a technician in the engineering field. It’s always been taught in that profession you must make sure each slight detail has a purpose. You deal with how you can make a balance between two opposites: build the strongest bridge you can make, at the lowest possible price. You only get one chance to use millions of dollars to make the best bridge that your money can buy. Don’t mess up.

This is the attitude I’ve always approached problems. A perfectionist, you might say. It definitely has it’s curses, but it always has it’s blessings. Because after all, you may only get one chance to build this bridge. Please don’t misunderstand this. I’m certainly a perfectionist when it comes to making content. But I tell you the story of an engineer for a hidden reason — and that’s where the fracture has taken place.

Can I be honest with you? I think the fracture is caused by mental/emotional conditions. Needless to say, you yourself know where you stand on your own worldly perspective. For the most part, you understand yourself. But before I go on, let’s have a quick experiment: Close your eyes and think of a single generic person. Next, let’s add things on to this person. Avoidance of specific people and places, intense mood swings, impulsive actions (often self-destructive), severe disconnect of reality, stress-related paranoia, inappropriate anger outbursts, unstable self-identity, feeling of emptiness, and suicidal ideation. Now, look at that person again. Can you understand that person? Do you know their desires? Where they find hope? Their intimate regrets or ambitions? This is where the fracture takes place. This is where the puzzle pieces have been scattered.

Before this article, I felt distant from you. Just as an engineer glances a blueprint or a doctor holds a scalped, this involved detailed work. It couldn’t be done in one night. It needed time, effort, patience, and endurance. I hope and pray that my mental health break is coming to an end. When able, I hope to make more content for you in the near future.

God bless.