3 Mental Phrases to Help You React More Rational When Your Irritated
These are phrases you need to ponder during that ‘pause’ when you step back from the heat of the moment
I used to piss off a lot of people whenever I try to make a point.
This happens because I had a tough time hiding my irritation in the heat of the moment. That irritation, when it leaks, often spirals a discussion into an intense (unnecessary) argument. This happens a lot with my partner, as well as with friends and family who have an unshakeable point of view.
As a result, I am more often seen as an “enemy” than a “friend”.
Of course, this behaviour did not help me build stronger relationships — it damaged them instead…
How an irritating comment or situation spirals into a senseless argument
As per Joe Navarro (a nonverbal communication and body language expert), our feelings and our body are connected:
“Someone gives us bad news and our lips compress, the bus leaves without us and we are clenching our jaws, rubbing our necks. We are asked to work another weekend and the orbits of our eyes narrow as our chin lowers. These are discomfort displays and we transmit how we feel or what we are thinking, through our bodies, because this is what our limbic brain has perfected over millions of years.”
Said simply, our bodies suck at hiding our discomfort.
Now it makes sense why I’m able to trigger my partner to be angrier without saying a word. That’s because my body language reveals my discomfort whenever she says something I don’t fully agree with. The angrier she is, the less likely she’ll be open to hearing what I have to say and vice versa.
Misunderstandings happen because both sides are too emotionally triggered to listen.
The simple (but hard) solution to misunderstandings
When you’re emotionally triggered, everything sounds like noise.
We all know today how those senseless arguments you had in the past could’ve been avoided if you only learned to “listen”. However, listening seems impossible until you learn how to detach. It’s knowing when to step back from a situation when things get a little too heated.
Said differently, you won’t be able to hear things clearly when it’s “noisy”.
Jocko Willink (author of many books on leadership), considers ‘detachment’ to be a “superpower” because it allows you to react more rationally.
How to react more rationally
When you’re involved in an intense conversation, be very conscious of what you’re feeling while listening to the other person. Because the moment you feel the irritation coming up is the exact moment you tune your feelings out. This allows you to condition yourself to fully comprehend what’s being communicated. Why?
It is difficult for the brain to process what it hears while getting it to think of a helpful response. It can only do one or the other, much like choosing between swallowing or breathing.
Here are some of the phrases I tell myself during that “pause” to avoid reacting emotionally and force me to think more rationally:
- “There’s a hidden lesson but I’m too irritated to notice”
- “It sucks now but it will make more sense later.”
- “What is Life really trying to teach me?”
The act of pondering through these phrases (even for a brief period) makes me look calm to the other person. And because I’m not reacting emotionally, the conversation is less likely to turn into the kind of argument, where, everyone is too pissed to listen.
“Anger is the most destructive of emotional responses, for it clouds your vision the most.”
“There’s a hidden lesson here but I’m too irritated to notice”
I say this in my head immediately whenever I’m caught off guard— right after I notice I’m irritated. It helps me quiet the inner chatter of my hurt ego. Listening to it only makes me feel like I’m a victim. The less I listen to it, the less I feel hurt, and the less I react emotionally.
“It sucks now but it will make more sense later.”
This is what I say to myself right after realizing that I’m irritated over something that I don’t have any control over. I can complain, cuss, punch the wall and all that to release my irritation. But, doing so would make me look silly, knowing that none of it can change what already happened.
A lot of times, whatever issues you’re going through magically work themselves out.
“What is Life really trying to teach me?”
When an issue keeps repeating itself, it’s a sign that I haven’t learned the real lesson I should’ve learned the first time it happened. Saying this (in my head) stops me from thinking about blaming others. The less I think about blaming others, the less frustration I feel because it’s my fault.
Conclusion
As humans, we are wired to work together as a team. That often involves avoiding unnecessary conflicts due to misunderstandings.
One of the best ways to diffuse the intensity of these conflicts is to step back for a few moments.
It stops you from reacting emotionally, which, stops your body language from showing discomfort that could trigger others to feel more negative towards you.
At the same time, it helps you react more rationally because you’re giving your brain the space to think without getting bogged down by what’s happening.
