4 Habits You Can Use to Make You More Attractive to Others

#3: Listen to understand.

Dayana Sabatin
Jan 17 · 7 min read

Do you like it when people are drawn towards you? Doesn’t it feel good when people ask you for your opinion or your thoughts on particular topics? Don’t you love feeling liked? Or admired?

In his book, The Need To Be Liked, author and psychologist Roger Covin says being liked is actually a normal, healthy, and fundamental human need. When we feel attraction, we want to know more. We want to be around someone more. Attraction makes us feel engaged and alive.

So, how can we become more attractive to others? Here are a few tips.

Practice Emotional Intelligence

Nobody likes a person with the emotional EQ of a 5-year-old.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions in a positive way so that you can communicate effectively, relieve stress, overcome challenges, and resolve conflicts.

Most importantly, it helps you truly connect with yourself in a way that will help you comprehend what it is that you’re feeling and, more importantly, why you’re feeling it.

I’ve always struggled with understanding why I feel a certain way; I assumed that if I have an instinct to get angry with somebody, for instance, I absolutely had to act on it.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. For the most part, your emotions don’t care about you, and they don’t reflect reality. Acting on them impulsively is rarely a good idea. Psychologist Hal Shorey says,

“Use your emotions for their intended purpose — to provide you with data about the environment, pieces of information to help you make good decisions.”

If you’re someone who constantly has emotional outbursts, it paints a pretty ugly picture for those around you. It makes you look abrasive and unapproachable.

Neuroscientist Nicole Gravagna says that emotional stability is an extremely desirable trait. It shows that you’re able to withstand difficult situations, handle adversity, and remain productive and capable throughout.

How you can apply this:

I wrote an article on five ways to improve your emotional intelligence, but I’ll give you 2 of the 5 points here:

  • Identify your triggers: If you’re able to identify what makes your emotions run so high in the first place, you’ll understand how to assess different situations properly and how to avoid them in the first place. The idea isn’t to run away from what triggers you but to avoid it so it doesn’t negatively affect you.
  • Practice your social skills: Social skills are necessary for you to understand how to handle your emotions effectively. If you don’t have a grip on your emotions, connecting with others can be extremely challenging.

From personal experience, practicing emotional intelligence is hard. However, it’s worth it. Not only will it make the people in your life more attracted to you, but it’ll also give you a sense of peace and happiness.

Learn How To Be Interesting

Our brains have a very short attention span.

Our brains are also attracted to people and things that we find interesting and engaging rather than boring. This means that to become more attractive, you have to learn how to be more interesting.

Have you ever walked into a party and found the whole room to be focused on a certain individual? You start paying attention to them, and automatically you feel a pull towards the way they speak or how they smile. Even the way they smell is enticing.

People like that are interesting, whether it be because of their life experiences or the way they carry themselves, there’s just something about them that’s desirable.

Being interesting is 100% something anyone can learn; you don’t need to start going out of your way to learn new things every day or pick up seven languages. It’s more about applying what you already know.

How you can apply this:

Everybody has something that is uniquely interesting about them. The problem is that most people don’t know how to activate those qualities within themselves just yet because the barrier to becoming more interesting is the fear they have inside them.

Fear causes us to doubt our ability to be interesting. It causes you to doubt yourself, worry about what other people will think of you, hold back your ideas, and simply hide your more authentic self.

Essentially, your fear of being boring and dull makes you boring and dull.

Fear shuts you down. It prevents your desire to do interesting things and share interesting experiences, and because of that, it makes you less charismatic, less memorable, less powerful, and even less successful.

What you need is a mindset shift. You are in control of how interesting of a person you can be, which is why you 100% can learn to become interesting.

Learn to speak up. Voice your opinion, read books, feed your brain, learn how the world around you works. Don’t default to what the rest of the crowd is doing; do something different. Be interesting.

Listen to Understand

Research shows that only about 10% of us listen effectively. Psychologist Caren Osten says:

“We are so distracted by the cacophony of dings and tweets from our smartphones, not to mention our ever-growing to-do lists, that we struggle to focus and listen when people talk to us. And if we’re not distracted by technology, our own thoughts can keep us from listening to another person. We often think that we are listening, but we’re actually just considering how to jump in to tell our own story, offer advice, or even make a judgment — in other words, we are not listening to understand but rather to reply.”

Have you ever conversed with someone who seems like they just can’t respond fast enough? You’ve barely gotten out a sentence, and they’re already talking about how they know exactly how you feel, or they went through the same ordeal.

It’s frustrating, especially when you simply just need somebody to talk to. I used to have a friend who would always talk over me. I felt like I could literally see her brain thinking about what it wanted to throw at me next rather than really taking in what I was saying. It got to a point where I felt like I didn’t even have a friend; I had turned into her free therapist.

Dutch writer and professor Henri Nouwen writes:

“Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond…The beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously, and discovering their own true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends.”

How you can apply this:

Practice.

The next time you find yourself conversing with somebody, instead of allowing your brain to race with thoughts and ideas of what to respond with, just listen and ponder what the other person is actually saying. The idea is to listen to the words for the sake of listening, not for the sake of responding.

Another way to practice is by asking open-ended questions. When you do this, it allows you to engage with the speaker rather than have the spotlight go back on you when the goal is solely to practice listening.

Ask things like, “How did that make you feel?” or “What are your thoughts on that?” Make the conversation about the other individual.

Everybody has something to say and a story you can learn from. If you’re self-aware enough to see that this is an area you struggle in, then practice listening to the people in your life. You never know what you might gain from it, and you never know just how much you might help the other individual.

Take Care of Yourself From the Inside Out

In a study, researchers studied a group of 35 people’s eating habits. The study was called You Are What You Eat, and it had some fascinating conclusions.

They identified that people who ate more fruits and veggies had a more yellow pigment and a certain glow in their skin tone. This particular pigment is considered healthy and attractive.

Our skin has a thin layer of fat beneath it. The fat holds fat-soluble vitamins, minerals, and pigments. The carotenoids are a part of plant pigments that provide the yellow-orange colors of the fall (aka golden hour) and that incredibly attractive golden glow in your skin.

The more vegetables you eat, the more this pigment will accumulate in your skin, leading to a slowly built-up glow.

Moral of the story? Eat your fruits and veggies — they’ll help keep you looking good, and in turn, make you more attractive.

How you can apply this:

Take care of yourself. Start fueling your body with micro and macronutrients. Drink your water, and make staying hydrated a daily priority.

A study from Pennsylvania State University found that exercise increases your sex drive and feelings of attractiveness. Not only that but exercise also releases endorphins in your body, which triggers a positive feeling, resulting in reduced stress and an overall a sense of elevated wellbeing.

I’m not saying you should take care of yourself solely so that you could look more attractive to others. I’m saying you should take care of yourself so you can feel more attracted to yourself.

Feeling good is contagious, and those around you will notice when you’re in a positive state of mind.

The Takeaway

The bottom line is this: Everybody has their own beautiful and unique qualities. You really don’t need much to up your game.

However, if you are looking to spice things up,

  • Practice emotional intelligence. It’ll help you gain a better understanding of yourself, and as a result of others as well.
  • Learn to be more interesting. Life has a lot you can learn from, become a student of life, and you’ll be able to squeeze yourself into any conversation with any individual.
  • Listen to understand. This quality is appealing; everybody wants to be heard and listened to.
  • Take care of yourself from the inside out. You are what you eat; you are how you spend your free time, so choose wisely.

Good luck.

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Mind Cafe

Relaxed, inspiring essays about happiness.

Dayana Sabatin

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Writer sharing thoughts on self-improvement and relationships. Connect with me: https://bit.ly/2Xj9WsX IG: dayana_sabatin YT: https://bit.ly/3q4mi4E

Mind Cafe

Mind Cafe

Relaxed, inspiring essays about happiness.

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