4 Subtle And Meaningful Qualities of A Genuine Friend
You can spot these already at the beginning of a friendship.
“You have to be friends with someone for at least seven years, and then you can be sure it’s a real friendship.” My mother cited this saying every time I enthusiastically told her about my new friendships.
Of course, I didn’t immediately pull out my calendar and mark the day when the seven years would be up. But there is some truth to this saying. It takes some time for a deep, genuine connection to develop.
According to a study by Christopher P. Roberts-Griffin, trust, honesty, and supportiveness are the most important characteristics of a close friendship. Especially when you find yourself going through bad phases — having a terrible breakup or becoming severely ill — it becomes crystal clear who among your friends is genuine and who is not.
But also in carefree times in life, you can notice some subtle and meaningful qualities of a genuine friend. These virtues are noticeable almost from the first day of a friendship.
1. Their Actions Speak Louder Than Their Words
“Listen, we should catch up this weekend. How about having dinner?”
“Thanks for your message. That sounds exciting. I’ll get back to you tonight.”
Friends make small promises like these all the time. They’re easily said/texted. But how seriously do your friends take their promises?
A true friend is aware that actions must follow such words. They don’t just want to sound nice; they do what they say.
Nicholas Epley, professor of behavioral sciences at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, emphasizes the importance of promises in social relationships,
“Keeping a promise is valued so highly that it goes beyond its ‘objective’ value. When you keep a promise, you’ve not only done something nice for someone, you’ve fulfilled a social contract and shown that you’re a reliable and trustworthy person.”
If your friend takes even their minor promises as seriously as a contract, they’ll most likely be able to keep the big ones too. It is understandable if they have to cancel at short notice due to unforeseen circumstances. But they won’t always leave it up to you to remind them of their own promises.
2. Their Good Deeds Do Come From the Heart
Undoubtedly, healthy friendships are based on both sides giving and taking. However, a friend shouldn’t immediately pull out the calculator after doing something good for you.
I once had a friend I turned to during a rough time in my life. We would sometimes talk for hours on the phone. She would build me up and give me advice. However, the strange thing about these conversations was that we always ended up talking about her as much as we talked about me. It felt like every minute she devoted to me, she wanted it right back.
One day we decided to go on vacation together. While planning our activities, we had some disagreements. She was offended because I wasn’t thrilled with every idea she had. Then it blurted out of her. She reminded me reproachfully of all the long phone conversations we used to have when I wasn’t feeling well. It was as if she had secretly kept a detailed list of her “heroic deeds.”
True friends wouldn’t write down each of their kind gestures and then quickly ask for something equivalent in return. They are aware it would leave an aftertaste of cold calculation. Above all, they help you because it comes from the heart. At some point in the future, they wish to have your support, too. But they don’t feel the urge to figure out what exactly they want from you and when.
3. They Don’t Avoid Constructive Criticism Like the Plague
True friends have the confidence to provide constructive feedback from the start. Why? Because they care about you and only want good things for you. They know they’re skating on thin ice with their criticism. So they go to great lengths to phrase their criticism in a tactful way. Other than that, they can easily distinguish constructive criticism from condemnation, teasing, and issues that are none of their business.
A true friend might say, “I think you could have been a little nicer to that waiter. He was just trying to help.” after you have had a pointless discussion about the food or service at a restaurant.
They’d say that to make you reflect on your misbehavior. Was it really about the food/service? Or are you perhaps just in a bad mood about something else?
A fake friend, in contrast, would probably keep quiet about your misbehavior and secretly condemn you. However, constructive feedback is only effective if you are open and approachable.
“Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”
– Aristotle
4. Their Questions Are Deep and Thought-Provoking
Small talk and superficial topics, like fashion and sports, are essential in a friendship. You exchange information and the time together feels easy. However, friends who dwell solely on such topics are only scratching the tip of the iceberg. They will never truly get to know and understand you. And vice versa.
Close friends dig deeper and ask meaningful questions about your life, values, beliefs, and feelings. In doing so, they show they are genuinely interested in you and also capable of deep connection.
Serena Chen, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, explained in an interview with The New York Times,
“A key to close friendship is intimacy, and a big part of intimacy is being able to be fully yourself and be seen and understood by others,”
I have a longtime friend who not only sees and understands me but also takes an interest in my siblings’ lives. Although she has never met my sisters in person, she regularly asks about their well-being and knows much about them. By knowing my family background, she has a complete picture of me.
Final Thoughts
A true friendship is one of the main ingredients in a happy and healthy life. If you have found good people, you can consider yourself very lucky. However, you must also have the virtues of a true friend and invest energy in cultivating the friendship. It’s not a one-way street.
I firmly believe that one must have had false friends to separate the wheat from the chaff better. The qualities of true friends become even more apparent after bitter disappointments from false ones. You also develop a sense of people’s subtle behavior. Early on, you recognize their true feelings and intentions.
The decision of whether you want to continue on your path with this friend becomes easier.
