An Introduction to Meditation (for Morons Like Me)

A moron’s guide to meditating when you’ve tried everything else, ever ever ever

Photo by Simon Migaj on Unsplash

Who is Meditation?

She sounds elegant, slightly elusive. Like a lily pad floating along a tranquil lake at sunrise or a woman in a vintage French perfume advert. She sounds intriguing, wise, mysterious. Like you could trust her to soothe your soul, sat together on a picnic blanket beneath the stars when the rest of the bustling world is getting a little too much. She sounds like a friend we all need.

But apparently — according to the internet, Oprah Winfrey and much of human history — meditation is not actually a her at all. It is something much more ethereal.

The chances are you’ve heard of it. You’ve probably likened it to that stock photo of a bald guy in white robes, legs crossed and fingers pinched together, held up towards the sky. He’s sitting on the edge of a Tibetan mountain, engrossed in the stillness of the atmosphere, a silence so feathery it seems like he’s levitating. He hums an occasional “om” as the sunlight kisses his silky scalp. He is, it seems, the tangible definition of blissed out. That’s how you meditate right?