Dealing With 2 Deaths in One Week
Is anything in life permanent after all?
I woke up on a Friday morning with 5 missed calls from my parents. I wasn’t waking up very late, I hadn’t even missed anyone’s birthday or sent something over to them. Yet why would they call me so many times? I woke up in a haste and immediately called Dad back. He didn’t respond. My heart rate was through the roof and my smartwatch kept telling me to calm down. I call Mom next, her phone’s busy. Panic’s through the roof.
I walk around my living room, taking large steps. Not knowing how to react. My mind starts racing to all the possibilities. Is everyone at home okay? Are Mom & Dad okay? I’ve been telling them to go for their routine checkup for over a year now and they haven’t. Dad barely wears his mask in the office. Is he okay? My niece underwent Open Heart Surgery in December. Last I met her, she was recovering alright. Is she fine?
As I pace through the living room, my phone rings again.
It’s dad.
“Hello?” I say. “Is everything okay, Papa?”
Silence on the other side.
Me frantically panicking, “hello? hello? Hello Papa?”
“Happy is no more.”
I started crying and hung up. It was a Friday.
Happy was the labrador of our house and the best friend, that I had for the last 10 years. My parents knew that I loved him dearly. In fact, he was brought home because I insisted that I needed company. I cried and sobbed and spent the day looking through his pictures and videos and remembering all the things that little rascal would do for fun. It jolted me and made me question so many things about the permanence of life altogether.
Cut to next Friday, I was staying with my parents because Holi (a traditional Indian festival) was clubbed with the weekend, and my parents usually host a large party with friends and family to celebrate. There’s alcohol, color, lots of great Indian delicacies, etc. It indeed is a fun festival and my personal favorite.
Post lunch, I was just sitting and wrapping up my work before the long weekend ahead. And I heard my mom scream from her room. I immediately left to see what the noise is about and the news dawned on me like a dark cloud on a clear sky.
My very dear maternal uncle had passed away. He wasn’t very old or dealing with any illness, so knowing that he had an untimely death shook the living peace out of me.
My parents and I booked our tickets to fly out to their city immediately but something in me had died by then. As someone who cries at almost everything, my tears were dry. It was as if I was angry. At the Universe. At My Uncle. Or maybe just at growing up altogether and realizing these things in life that I hadn’t thought of.
I think it’s safe to say that March was a tough month for my family and me. But it didn’t just stop at that. I felt so much in the last 3 weeks that I think I grew up 3 years in just the last 3 weeks.
Here are some things that the last three weeks have taught me,
Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice
I first heard this quote when I was in class 8. I obviously did not understand what it meant then. However as I grew up, I realized what it actually meant.
As I sat back and questioned the permanence of people in life, I pondered upon my own relationships. Having recently learned the art of letting go, I started questioning death and the reasons behind it. It takes one minute, for a person to be sitting next to us, and one for them to leave us, and for us to have no way of getting back to them. This person could be your spouse, your parent, or how in my case it was my dearest uncle.
There are so many things that we leave for tomorrow, to luck, to fate and yet, when someone passes we sit in a pool of regret of things we could have said when we had the time.
Pain truly is inevitable, however, suffering is a choice. If you live in the moment and enjoy the time you have with your loved ones, the chances of you reminiscing the times you spent together are more than you regretting unsaid things.
“Most people are afraid of suffering, but suffering is a kind of mud that helps the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without the mud.” — Thich Nahn Baht
Change is the only constant
150 years back no one was here out of the present population. After 150 years, nobody will remain here out of the present population. Because Change is the only steady process in this universe. Everything is changing its form with time. This is the universal process. Nobody can stop it. We can get it experienced if we are aware. Earth, Fire, Water, Space, Air are basic 5 elements. These 5 elements are changing their forms. Cyclones, hurricanes, Tsunami, etc. are part of this process. Nothing is constant in this universe except CHANGE.
Remember,
This too shall pass.
Acceptance is the only way forward in life
The grieving process is difficult.
I remember being in denial and saying things like, “I can’t believe it’s true.” I spent a lot of time being mad at the world and myself.
I bargained by thinking, “If only I’d done this” and “I should have done that.” The void of depression took the form of, “I am so sad; I’ll never get past this.”
And finally, I accepted that he was gone and I needed to move forward.
During this process, I resisted the reality of my loss. The stages of grief gave me time to come to grips and handle what had happened.
Ultimately, the resistance melted and I was able to lean into life again. You can’t move forward without acceptance.
Do not take the people you love for granted
Soon after I came back to my house, I made it a point to call all my family and friends and tell them that I love them. The thought of losing anyone else closer to me was heartbreaking and I needed them to know how I felt about them.
What can be more important than the people you care about, who care about you?
No one is guaranteed to live a hundred years, and even a hundred years can pass all too fast.
Be Grateful
If there is one thing that we can learn from the death of another, it is to be grateful. Too often it can take the pain or shock of a loss to make us wake up to how good we really did have it.
So don’t wait around for a big wake-up call to tell you that you should have been grateful. Be grateful now. And be grateful for the people in your life, the love that you feel, the little things that make you feel good to the core. Be grateful for the people that you have lost and the people that are still living with you.
Every moment, every person, every experience, and every memory is precious.
Life Goes On
The most important lesson that we can learn from the death of a loved one, is that life does go on. At first, when somebody we love deeply has to leave us, it may seem as though the world has come to a complete standstill. You know that life as you knew it will never be the same.
When we lose somebody we love life never will be the same. But it is important that you know that it can still continue. And in this one-off opportunity that is your life, you need to remember that why you are still here you need to be living your life to its fullest.
If there is one thing that you can learn about yourself after the death of a loved one, it should be that you are a lot stronger than what you realize.
Dealing with the death of a loved one is never easy, it takes everything away from us. However, it’s important that we honor the deceased by living each day to the fullest. :)
