From Languish to Flourish
The biggest key to a flourishing life lies beyond yourself.
On 19th April 2021, the psychologist Adam Grant nearly broke the internet when he published a New York Times article titled: There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling: It’s Called Languishing. This article garnered about 1,250 comments on the New York Times platform alone and was also widely circulated on various publication platforms worldwide.
Suddenly, there was a collective aha moment as we realized there is a name for the “meh” feeling that we have been feeling for the longest time especially during the pandemic. It is almost as if when there is a label for this feeling, people felt relived as if to say “Okay, this is an actual condition, we did not imagine this.”
But let’s face it, we have been languishing way before the pandemic hit.
How We languish
Languishing refers to an absence of mental health, a condition where we are not completely unhappy, but we are not completely happy neither. We feel aimless, restless, joyless but cannot quite put our finger on it, much less figure a way out of it. Basically, it means that we are just coping and not anywhere near thriving.
However, even prior to the pandemic, most of us have not been flourishing with research showing that less than a quarter of adults in the US between the ages of 25 to 74 years met the criteria for a flourishing life. These adults were not clinically depressed, they were simply languishing; trapped in the mid-point emotional purgatory between depression and flourishing.
If we think about our pre-pandemic lives, many of us can admit, albeit sheepishly, that we have been living on autopilot rather than truly flourishing. Many of us have felt like we were working in jobs that are means to an end, rather than serving our innate purpose.
We seem to do the same things day in and day out running on our little hamster wheels. We are restless and mindlessly scrolling on Netflix and on social media, feeling trapped yet at the same time with no clue how to get out.
How We Flourish
On the opposite end of languishing is flourishing which is described as the peak of well-being. It is a state where we feel like our lives have meaning, we have a purpose and that we are of value to society and others.
For us to flourish, study suggests that there are three components we should aim to meet:
1. Meaning
2. Goals
3. Relationships
Meaning
Meaning in life refers to living a life that is based on our own values, knowing who we are and how we matter. Different things are meaningful to us and the key is finding out what that means for us individually. Things or achievements on their own are typically meaningless but when coupled with a strong purpose and our values behind it, they become meaningful.
Goals
Goals on the other hand refer to the future outcomes we aim to meet or avoid. There are many types of goals such as mastery of a skill, performance goal such as academically or professionally. Goals can be both intrinsically and extrinsically motivated and they are both beneficial depending on the type of goals.
For example, if you have a goal that comes from an intrinsic motivation, the goal in itself is satisfying, and you do not need external rewards to motivate you. However, there are many things in life that we do not enjoy doing such as house chores and the external reward of relaxing in a clean home is a very much needed motivator.
Relationships
It is not surprising that relationships are beneficial for us, we are social creatures after all. Research shows that people in loving relationships recover better from illnesses. When individuals across different cultures are asked what the most important things in their lives are, they typically referred to the relationships in their lives.
Differences Between the People who Languish and Those Who Flourish
It seems like all we need to do is have meaning in our lives, goals and good relationships to flourish right? Well, as it turns out, study suggests that both states of languish and flourish encompasses the same three components. The difference, however, lies in how we define what is meaningful to us.
Here is a summary of what the researchers found:
When we are languishing we tend to turn inward and see broken things that need improving such as finances, health, sometimes even ourselves. Our relationships, whilst still an important source of meaning focuses more on what we need from others such as support as opposed to what we can do for each other.
During times of languish we tend to view things from a scarcity angle such as “not enough time and money”. We would also aim to avoid something negative like not wanting to be unhappy and discontent.
When we are flourishing however, we tend to see ourselves as good enough and approach life, goals and relationships from the position of strength to keep us on a trajectory. We would also tend to frame our goals as moving towards an outcome such as “Living the good life”.
Our relationships when we are flourishing also tends to be more mutually fulfilling and we are also more inclined to look outward and focus on how we can contribute to our relationships and society.
Notably, the researchers found that when we are languishing, we tend to use more negative words such as “job sucks” or “feel neglected”. When we are flourishing however, we use more positive words such as “fulfillment and “contribute”.
What Can We Do to Flourish Instead of Languishing?
Our lives have their ups and downs, and languishing has been present for some or most parts of our life, however, the pandemic has compounded this feeling because there is no tangible escape other than frantic workout sessions and manic baking.
That said, we can embark on a path towards a flourishing life today and here are some things you can start with:
1. Develop a habit of gratitude. Note down what you are grateful for in your life. You just have to do this a few times a week, and it is up to you whether you want to write it down or talk about it with a spouse or a friend.
2. Reflect or imagine your ideal life and best possible self and write down the plan and goals that will help you achieve this. What this does is help you define what a meaningful life looks like for you and the steps to help you get there.
3. Experience more joy by letting yourself enjoy the present moment. Not every minute of the day needs to be filled up with productivity and “practical” things. Sometimes, you can just enjoy a few hours of reading, going out for a nice meal or enjoying a Netflix binge of a drama series you’ve been waiting for.
4. Re-evaluate the important relationships in your life. What can you do for the people you love? Kinder words, more support perhaps? Shift from thinking about what you need from others to what you can do for them.
Most importantly, you need to start looking beyond yourself. In all three components to a flourishing life, the flourishing individuals in the study we covered above were all motivated by what they can do for others and not just what others can do for them.
As summed up by the Tibetan Buddhist monk, Matthieu Ricard, also known as the “happiest man” on earth:
“It’s simply that me, me, me all day long is very stuffy. And it’s quite miserable, because you instrumentalize the whole world as a threat, or as a potential sort of interest [to yourself].”
And he followed up with:
“If your mind is filled with benevolence, you know, the passion and solidarity … this is a very healthy state of mind that is conducive to flourishing,”
As the happiest man on earth, I think Matthieu knows what he was talking about. Here’s to a flourishing life.
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