How to Start Romanticizing Your Relationship
Bring main character energy into your love life through rituals.
There has been a lot of talk online about being the “main character” of your life. Whether used ironically or authentically, the phrase has gained popularity in the self-help arena. People are starting to romanticize everyday instances. I‘ll explain why and how you should expand this mindset into your love life, and romanticize your relationship through rituals. The idea of romanticizing your life can be boiled down to connection, taking action, and changing your mindset. Think about the main character of a movie or a book: the aesthetic, the music, their quirks, and traits... Their lives are painted picturesquely and intentionally even in mundane moments.
Rituals are at the core of romanticizing our love lives. When we focus on bettering the small recurring things in our day-to-day, they become special. Routine creates familiarity and safety, but rituals create romance and desire. Your rituals make small moments and actions count. Whether you want to achieve the goal of being the main character of your love life or simply implement more specialty and novelty into your relationships, here are my tips for romanticizing your relationship by implementing the power of rituals.
Rituals over Routine
A romantic relationship between two (or more) adults is about combining day-to-day responsibilities and routines to create a shared life. That doesn’t sound very main character-y or romantic. Often, relationships are about compromising and colliding our routines. We take out the dog because our significant other doesn’t come home until later, schedule our weeks together, or always do that one chore that our partner hates doing. These are compromises we make in our routine, to govern our shared everyday life. But what if I told you, that aligning routines is not the most important part? Rituals might just be the answer.
Rituals and routines have a lot in common because they both bring our lives structure, anticipation, and reassurance. Routines and rituals ground us and help us divide our days, weeks, and months into understandable and manageable events. Despite these similarities, routines and rituals have a key differentiation. As Esther Perel states, routine creates familiarity and rituals create excitement. We can share routines, but sharing a ritual is much more meaningful. Rituals are what keep our romantic relationships full of desire through novelty.
Everything feels special at the start of a relationship because the person we are dating is new and exciting. After a while, that novelty rubs off and we have to create novelty in other ways. We need the familiarity and continuity of routine, but when it comes to romance, rituals bring us creativity and meaning. Of course, rituals and routines overlap, entangle, and merge. But, if we don’t pay attention to our routines, we forget to create rituals. Drinking your coffee together might be your routine, but setting the table nicely, buying a special creamer, or lighting a candle for that moment makes it into a ritual. This can be applied to any moment in a day: You can make any routine into a ritual. In the end, it’s the special rituals that make the routine worthwhile.
Mind the Gap
Rituals can guide us through transitions. Whether it’s a larger transitional rite or a small daily effort of transition, we can keep the romance going even in the roughest periods. Rituals clarify and guide us through even when the routine feels rough and unexciting. This is especially important now that we are confined in the same small space for all our tasks. Rituals bring family, community, and culture together — in the long-term and during a mundane weeknight. Use that to your advantage in your romantic relationship, as well, especially in a time of stress, anxiety, or grief.
A big change, like the death of a loved one, financial troubles, or moving house, can make us isolate instead of connecting and working on things as a unit. Rituals bring us together in a time of great upheaval. On the other hand, small transitions, like changing from our work persona to the loving partner at home, can build up and create tension in the relationship. We often need ritualistic transitions even in the span of one day to be able to actively romanticize our relationship. Mind the gap between your love life, family life, and professional life. After the day is done and all routines and chores have been executed, there might be a need for a physical transition to find our romantic state of mind. Try changing your clothes, going for a walk together, or opening a special bottle — any special ritual to bring you into the right mindset…
When we stop romanticizing and appreciating the love in our life, the relationship can go into a crisis in a moment of loss or stress, because the rituals are rifted. We often see this first in the transitional and stressful moments of our lives. We need to be mindful of ongoing changes and processes so that we don’t drift apart. Focusing on the rituals can help in transitions, whether big or small.
The Rite of Reflection
Another ritual I recommend to all partners both individually and collectively is to actively reflect on the relationship. Some of us choose to do it on pen and paper, and others prefer conversations, both inside and outside the partnership. Think, write and talk about how you want to be loved, and how you can love in a way that suits your partner — not in the way that’s convenient for you. Relish on the shared moments and memories you have. While it’s not healthy to live in fear, try asking yourself what you would miss if the relationship didn’t exist the next day to stay present and grateful in the companionship.
One way to bring ritual into your reflection routine is by doing the work individually. I have found journaling to be the most helpful for this. By writing, we can often see things more clearly. You can also write each other notes or in-depth letters as a small, ritualistic gesture. The act of putting pen to paper feels ritualistic in itself, but by implementing small specialties like a nice notebook, designated pen, or a change in environment, you can bring it to the next level. If writing for yourself seems tiresome or futile, verbal reflection might work for your personality better. Phone calls to close friends, therapy, and even private voice memos can be great outlets for clearing out your thoughts and reflecting.
For collective efforts of reflection, you can practice of reflection routinely by implementing weekly or monthly life admin meetings with your significant other. But make it into a ritual: Instead of it feeling like a tiresome responsibility at the end of a week, combine it with takeout, a nice bottle of bubbly, or some kind of a reward after. Come together at the end of the week or month to discuss your relationship. Whether it’s going through your schedules or having a heart-to-heart about the things that you are working through, reflect on the time passed for a better you and a better you two.
Whatever form of reflection you choose, it will be a powerful tool to help you work through problems in your relationships and make your connections even stronger.
If we don’t pay attention to our romance, our love is easily overlooked and underappreciated. Without the extra effort, desire can fizzle out quickly with the novelty gone. When we are evaluating and trying to make our love lives better, implementing rituals to romanticize the relationship can really make us see our love in a new light.
If you’re wondering where to start, ask yourself this simple question: How can you make every moment a little more memorable? Rituals are about active choices that feel right for your relationship. I have given some examples, but romanticizing your life is all about making it your own — it’s not necessarily the clichée versions you see online. You’ll go through times when the rituals are forgotten about and life becomes routine, but ebbs and flows are natural. Life is messy and unexpected, but if you build your rituals with intention, you can always come back to them.
*Just a reminder for those of us who are not in long-term, committed relationships: Don’t romanticize potential simply for the purpose of romanticization. If you start romanticizing a relationship before there is a mutual investment and interest, things usually don’t end happily ever after. And, to all our royal singles: You can definitely use all of these tips to start romanticizing your solo life, as well.
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