How We Lie to Ourselves: The Art of Self-Deception
Why we choose to hide our true nature.
“Humans see what they want to see.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
In 1980, a survey found that 93% of Americans think they possessed higher than average driving skills than others. Can you imagine that, 93%?
Does that seem accurate when you are observing other drivers? Oh wait, do you also think you drive better than the other drivers on the road?
If you do, perhaps you might be experiencing a touch of the better-than-average effect or the Lake Wobegon effect (named after a fictional town depicted on a radio variety show where the residents are above average in looks, skills, and achievements.)
What Do We Lie to Ourselves About?
We don’t just lie to ourselves about our seemingly better than average skillset, we lie to ourselves about other things in our lives too. For example:
- “I will get back on the bandwagon first thing tomorrow.”
- “He is good enough for me.”
- “She isn’t always like this.”
- “I didn’t want the promotion anyway.”
If we look deeper into our lives, we see evidence of self-deception all the time. We lie to ourselves about our productivity, our discipline, our habits, our actions, and our true intentions. We lie to ourselves about our growth, about the state of our affairs, about how happy we really are.
We also lie about how meaningful our lives truly are and whether we are really living lives on our own terms. We deceive ourselves about how truly attractive we are, about our skills and our abilities. As demonstrated in the popular saying “fake it till you make it”.
We tell ourselves that we are kind and open-minded but avoid beggars on the street like the plague. When we tell ourselves these lies, however, we are really lying to ourselves about who we are.
Hiding Our True Nature
In the TV show, The Good Wife, the lead character, Alicia Florrick holds the identity of the good wife, the good mother, the good politician’s spouse, seen but never heard.
Soon, her husband, the state attorney, was discovered to have regularly visited prostitutes, presumably on the city’s dime. Alicia found herself playing the role she’s been training for her entire married life; to be the good wife and stay by her husband’s side, despite his infidelities.
Throughout the show, she finds herself in the dilemma of choosing between the right thing to do for herself, her family, or for others. Her identity and her actions often collide, and she mostly justifies her actions to herself that she was doing the “right thing” for herself or her family.
Her actions serve their purpose but her justifications, however, serves to preserve her sense of who she is and therefore maintain her self-identity.
As the show goes on, Alicia’s character goes from being the good wife she was supposed to be, to her true self: a woman who was willing to do what it takes even when it includes bending the rules for her own self-gain.
This is not to say that she was a bad person, we all have that innate sense of self-preservation and capable of doing things we didn’t think we could. After all, we want what is best for us.
The point of this is she stopped lying to herself about who she is and what she wants.
Of course, this is just a drama. It is not real life.
How We Self-Deceive in Real Life
In real life, people lie to themselves about their partners having an affair. Lying in this way is simply a form of denial, a defense mechanism that protects us from seeing our lives or our partner in the real light, and in doing so, we preserve our own self-identity: the person who has the perfect life.
Some of us also lie about how sick our loved ones really are, how dire our financial situation is, and how much we really need help from others.
We dupe ourselves into thinking that we have a handle on our many habits such as overeating and drinking too much. These lies help us think of ourselves as a person still in charge and not needing change and certainly not an improvement.
We’re Avoiding Pain When We Self-Deceive
If you think about it, if you lie about how bad your life is, it means you feel like it is not up to your standards or expectation and as a reflection, you are the failure. When you are unable to acknowledge and enjoy your good fortune, perhaps you are afraid that the good times will not last.
When we lie about our own vices or bad habits, we are reassuring ourselves that we are not the lazy ones, the people without willpower.
Sometimes, we use our addictions and self-sabotaging behaviours to lie to ourselves about what is truly bothering us and the real pain within.
Also, when we self-deceive about our own capabilities, it is a way to mask our own insecurities, our own shortcomings.
Self-deception provides us with a sense of control, control over what information we choose to accept and control over what we choose to react to.
The Negative Side of Self-Deception
Unfortunately, when we lie to ourselves, we are only maintaining the façade.
The longer we pretend there isn’t a problem, the bigger the problem snowballs. Things like addiction, chronic diseases, financial issues, and a cheating spouse are problems that do not simply disappear.
The longer we put off dealing with them, the harder it is for us to handle.
When we deceive ourselves about our reality, we are guilty of stopping ourselves from ever-changing our lives or achieving our full potential.
The Positive Side of Self-Deception
Sometimes, however, lying to ourselves is useful.
In times of crisis and uncertainty, we need a certain amount of blind faith to get us through. A belief that we can be confident in someone or something without any obvious reasons to do so.
Like religion, for example, there is no hard evidence to back the premise of deities having any control over our lives and yet millions of people believe they do.
What is clear however is that believing in a higher power provides many with a sense of control and purpose because we believe in our behaviors such as being kind, attending church, and praying as having an effect on where we end up in life and after. Guidelines provide control.
Believing in ourselves when we have no past proof to say that we have been able to achieve something also takes a small level of self-deception but in the guise of hope, faith and self-belief.
Last but not least, the ability of deceiving ourselves about others helps us maintain stability in our mental state before we finally awaken to the truth. Can you imagine a world where you could not trust anyone including your own judgement? How exhausting would that be?
In essence, self-deception serves to help us feel better about ourselves, about who we are, about our lives in general. In these feel-good moments, we are then able to keep having faith and keep going. After all, without that bit of self-deception, how can we get out of our comfort zones and head towards bigger and better things?
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