Living With the Green-Eyed Monster:
Accepting Social Comparisons as Part of Life and Using it as Motivation, not Discouragement.
As you scroll through your Instagram feed you see that an old college friend had just gotten married and had a magical (and expensive!) wedding with the handsome love of her life. She is in good shape, she is beautiful, she has flawless skin and an amazing wardrobe to boot.
Do you: a) feel happy for her, b) feel envious of what she has, c) think of your own life and think of how pathetic it is compared to hers or d) all of the above?
We are a species who suffer from the chronic condition of social comparison. Against our better judgement, we constantly compare our lives and our accomplishments and possessions to others and then feel lousy about our lives.
As children, we are constantly compared against our siblings, our cousins, and other kids by the adults around us. I remember when I was a child, adult relatives would often talk about how tall I had grown or the grades I had achieved in comparison to my peers. When we were little, we would also compare ourselves to others such as our classmates in school. As a little girl I remembered instances when I compared my school bags and pencil cases to other girls who had nicer looking bags and pencil cases. Today’s young people however, are comparing on more expensive possessions like latest models of mobile phones, laptops and designer clothing.
As adults, we do the same thing. We compare ourselves on who has a better body or who has a better career. We compare who has the bigger house and who has the better spouse. Most of the time, this comparison can make us feel less-than and not enough. Yet, we can’t seem to help ourselves, why?
Social Comparison for Self-Evaluation and Self-Enhancement
When we compare ourselves to others, we are evaluating who we are in this world. It is a way for us to see how we are doing in relation to others. Think of it this way, with competitions such as bodybuilding, beauty pageants and professional sports, the competitors are measured based on how they compare to each other in various ways. When we look at how our peers are doing or how people on social media are doing, we compare it to how we are doing and then determine whether we are doing ok or not.
We compare ourselves in two ways: upward and downward. When we compare ourselves upwardly, we compare ourselves to people we think are in a better position than us. For example, we may compare in terms of material possessions like nicer house or nicer clothes, we may also compare in terms of physical attributes like comparing our bodies to a fitness influencer online and see how we measure up and determine our self-evaluation.
When we compare ourselves downward however, we are comparing ourselves to people who seem to be doing worse than us. For example, you might compare the state of your marriage to a close friend who may have just gotten a divorce and think to yourself that at least you are not single, no matter how many arguments you might have had with your spouse in the last two weeks. When we compare downwards, we are not just evaluating our lives, we are also self-enhancing and boosting our self-esteem by making ourselves feel better about our lives.
Good and Bad of Social Comparison
Social comparisons can make us feel better or worse about ourselves which can in turn help us to move forward or wallow in self-pity. For example, when we see that others are doing well in terms of their love life and career, we might feel envious of what they have and thus feel lousy about our own lives. However, this envy may also inspire us to move forward and take action. For example, research suggests that overweight women who compared themselves to thinner women are more likely to adopt a healthier lifestyle and therefore improve their physical well-being. What this means is that we can choose how we deal with the comparison and take action rather than be disappointed with ourselves and angry over how others seem to get by easily.
We can also use downward comparison to feel more gratitude towards what we have. For example, so many people have lost their jobs these days and when you compare your situation which may be that you are not exactly happy with your employment but you can feel better in the fact that you are still gainfully employed. Even if we are not entirely happy or fulfilled in our lives, we can also compare with those who are experiencing major crises in their lives such as chronic or terminal illnesses and be grateful that we are not in that position.
In modern times, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others online via social media with research indicating that we actually feel less happy when we see positive posts from others. However, we are the most affected when we compare ourselves to our peers or people we are closer to in reality than celebrities we will never meet. Just like when we are kids, our parents will compare us to other kids our age, as adults we do the same and compare ourselves to our peer group. For example, young mums might compare themselves to their friends who are also young mums. Young men will compare their physical attributes to other young men close to their age. Naturally, you will also compare yourself to celebrities but you are not as negatively affected because you feel like you are in a different category so there is no comparison to be made. You know, apples and oranges.
Mitigating the Compelling Need to Compare
First of all, it is normal to compare. This is what we do. We may not be trying to keep up with the Joneses, but we still want to know what they have and how they are doing so we can secretly condemn them. You know you do this.
Since comparison is a normal part of your life, it would make sense to learn to live with it and even use it to spur you on. For example, next time you are scrolling on Instagram and feeling frustrated with the state of your life compared to the beautiful people online, you need to stop and step away from your feed. The endless scroll won’t add to your life, it just takes time away from you living your life.
Next, when you feel like your life is less than others, you need to remind yourself that you have your own achievements that you can be proud of and your own life to lead on your own terms. You should also remind yourself that what we see online or hear from others is often a curated version of their lives, it shows only the positive side and not the ugly side where they are crying into a glass of wine.
Finally, if you feel irrationally envious about somebody else’s life, you need to take a step back and think about what is missing in your life and what steps you can take to move closer towards what you truly want in your life. Use their achievements to motivate you, to inspire you, don’t let envy slow you down.
Most importantly, even though comparison is a natural part of us, we need to remind ourselves that we need to live our lives on our own terms. You are not competing with anyone; you just need to do the best you can for yourself.
In Conclusion
Social comparison is a part of us, there is no need to shun this side of our nature. However, we can control what we choose to do with the comparisons. We can choose to use it to spur us on and we can choose to feel more gratitude towards what we already have as well. Like you, I have moments when I look at social posts online or hear about some awesome things happening for someone else and think why does it seem so easy for them and not me and then get frustrated with my life. It is easy to fall into that negative space but you can absolutely choose to react differently.
