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Sadness Did Not Prepare Me for Depression
We can’t understand just how different the two are until we’ve experienced both
With a life marred by trauma and constant challenges, I thought I’d proven my emotional resilience. I kept hold of an indestructible optimism all throughout my childhood, despite experiencing physical abuse and suffering under years of painful neglect.
In adulthood, I dealt with a host of medical problems, requiring that my 20s be marked by a series of surgeries. The last one was heart surgery at 27. I was so determined to handle it with aplomb that I didn’t even tell anyone it was happening, other than the person driving me to and from the hospital. I told myself, Dying is beyond your control, dying with courage isn’t.
Years later, I would fall in love with a woman, and over the course of our relationship, she would go through a mental decline leading to full-blown psychosis. For eight months, I had to listen to her scream through the night, try to intervene as she moved to harm herself, and generally work to keep her safe from her wildest impulses. After a time, she’d move back home with her family, on the opposite side of the world.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to handle this last incident with as much poise as some of the earlier challenges. My life spiralled…
