The Flawed Logic Behind Perfectionism
How the pursuit of perfection leaves us feeling less than perfect.
“People call me a perfectionist, but I’m not. I’m a rightist. I do something until it’s right, and then I move on to the next thing.” — James Cameron
There is a Japanese art of repairing pottery called Kintsugi.
This art form involves repairing broken ceramics with golden lacquer.
In this way, the repairs are not hidden, instead, they are proudly displayed like battle scars. The imperfections are not shameful, they add to the beauty and history of the pottery, they are there to be admired and appreciated in all their glory.
Likewise, imperfections are a part of us. We shouldn’t be ashamed of our perceived flaws, instead we should embrace our perfect imperfections.
However, most of us tend to see anything less than perfection as a failure. In our quest for perfection, we lose sight of a simple logic: we are imperfect beings.
What is Perfectionism
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), perfectionism is “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.”
Perfectionism is often seen as a desired virtue that gets brandished about as a badge of honor with perfectionists seemingly more disciplined at working hard than the other mere mortals. Not surprisingly, high levels of perfectionism is linked to better academic performance.
Yet, perfectionism is rarely about just doing something well, it is about doing it flawlessly and often beyond unattainable standards. As a result, perfectionism can make us feel like a failure because we have set an unachievable goal to begin with.
In the same study of how perfectionism correlates with academic performance, the researchers found that the high performing perfectionists also have more anxiety when it comes to making mistakes thus hindering their academic performance. In this instance, perfectionism is a double-edged sword.
Perfectionism and Its Impact on Self-worth
The psychologist D. E. Hamachek suggested that there are two types of perfectionism: normal and neurotic.
The normal perfectionist has a healthy attitude towards accomplishment and simply wants to to do his or her best. The neurotic perfectionist on the other hand, typically has unrealistic standards and when a mistake is made, also tends to be a lot more critical on his or herself.
This skewed expectation of what is acceptable can sometimes come from our own personal standards or an external expectation such as parents or other authority figures in our life.
For instance, when we do something “perfectly” or people commend us on how great we are at certain things, it reaffirms the positive aspects of who we are.
On the other hand, when we fail at something or simply don’t do as well as before, that one failure forms a negative view of ourselves and reduces our own feelings of self-worth. Say for example you are someone who prides yourself on being a good student and yet find yourself struggling to study and to achieve decent grades in university. How would that make you feel about yourself?
In this way, our self-worth is thus measured by our achievements, the results we produce and whether we meet expectations, both internally and externally.
More Than One Dimension
Our pursuit for perfectionism, however, is not a singular endeavor.
Psychologists have found that there are two dimensions to perfectionism:
1. Perfectionistic strivings
2. Perfectionistic concerns
Perfectionistic strivings are associated with the positive aspects such as the want to achieve more and improve oneself.
Perfectionistic concerns on the other hand are associated with the negative aspects of perfectionism such as chronic anxiety over our perceived flaws and the perpetual fear that we are never good enough.
Thus, a healthy perfectionist (if ever there was such a person) would score high on perfectionistic strivings and low on perfectionistic concerns. This balances out our need to achieve and improve and our human nature of worrying about judgement and worthiness.
Negative Impact of Perfectionism
With all the worries about judgement and worthiness, perfectionism as one can expect can be quite a hurdle to our well-being.
In their definition of perfectionism, the APA has notably added that perfectionism is associated with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and eating disorders.
Research has suggested that at work, perfectionists are more likely to experience burn-out which can lead to chronic stress, fatigue associated with stress and inability to connect with others.
Another negative consequence of perfectionism is the inability to cope with life’s stresses especially during transitional periods in life such as going from university to working life. During these times of transition, we experience many changes in life and can sometimes find ourselves out of our depth. This leads to us making not meeting our high standards and we feel bad about ourselves.
When we fail to meet our expectations, it upsets the balance between how we see ourselves and the realities of life. Even though a failure in one thing is only a small part of us, it changes how we see ourselves in our entirety. We see ourselves as less capable, we increase our negative self-talk and in time, chronic self-loathing and self-criticism causes us to become depressed, even more anxious and uncertain about who we are.
Accept that Perfection is Flawed Logic
There is no doubt that we should strive for excellence in the things we do. But the truth is perfection does not exist. We do not have perfect faces, bodies nor possessions. Our lives are imperfect. We are imperfect beings. Even our faces are naturally asymmetrical.
“God does not build in straight lines.”
– Charlie Holloway, Prometheus
There is simply nothing wrong with imperfections.
We love our partners for their strange quirks, we love pets who are a little out there, we want to buy things that are imperfect and not cookie cutter because it gives them character.
Research even suggests that there is no positive form of perfectionism because pursuing perfection is chasing the impossible.
Instead, a healthier way of looking at the positive side of perfectionism is focusing on striving for excellence instead.
When we strive for excellence, we are simply looking at doing something the best we can as opposed to doing it perfectly.
Parents tell their children this all the time “Just do your best”. We also celebrate other people’s accomplishments even if they weren’t perfect.
Yet, as adults we fail to be compassionate with ourselves and criticize our failings rather than congratulating ourselves on job well done.
So, if you are a perfectionist, strive for excellence and do your best instead of adhering to an unrealistic expectation of what “should” happen.
No matter the outcome, praise yourself for the effort you’ve put in.
You truly deserve the praise and you will be much happier.
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