I’ve Confused Introversion with Insecurity
The pandemic made me realize that I’m an extrovert.
A couple of months into lockdown, my mental health started deteriorating. I found myself more anxious and burnt out than in years, despite my newly empty calendar.
Everything felt unmanageable. From dishes to small daily walks, my basic life skills and energy were nowhere to be found. I was paralyzed even though I had more time for myself than ever.
“I’m an introvert”, I thought to myself. “So why am I finding this so difficult?”
After being deprived of natural, recurring, and often even pointless encounters with other people for months, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not an introvert. I’m an insecure extrovert. And, boy oh boy, has lockdown been a bad match for me.
The pandemic made me realize that I was an extrovert despite always telling myself otherwise. I started therapy and began to question every idea and categorization that I had made of myself. I came to the conclusion that I had confused introversion with insecurity.
Insecurity or Introversion?
In a crowd, I find it difficult to be eloquent and lively. Instead, I retract into a shell, fumble with my words, and don’t know where to look. I’ve always attached this awkwardness and disconnection to introversion because that is what media tends to portray it as.
I’ve now realized that this is merely a reaction to my fear of being rejected. I’m afraid of sounding “uncool” or not landing the joke. Instead of taking the leap, I retract from the situation to prevent anything bad or embarrassing from happening. Typical defense mechanisms for someone who is afraid of not being liked or not fitting in.
The fear of being an outsider in social situations with new people can be anxiety-inducing. This can lead to defensive behavior that can translate to awkwardness, viciousness. or disinterest.
I now see that this fear and many of my social tendencies were a result of my low self-worth instead of my persona. Low self-worth and how our perception of ourselves affect our relationships immensely.
How we perceive ourselves is how we present ourselves to the world. Unfortunately, up to 70 percent of the self-talk we do is negative. If we feel unworthy of respect, interest, and connection, we showcase ourselves in ways that fulfill that perception. Because I was afraid of being left out, I was closed off and, thus, left the situation before anyone could let me in.
In the end, meaningful connections with others — close friends, family, and my partner — really energizes me. I’m insecure about how people perceive me, so this recharging only happens with the people I trust the most in my life, or with people who I’m only meeting in passing; I can be the light of the grocery store line and small talk my way to the last bus stop.
I’m able and willing to do that because the people don’t know me, and I’m not keen on impressing them. That told me that it was not the people factor that was throwing me off in social situations, it was my fear of judgment and my need to impress others.
The fear and worry of other people liking me and constantly stressing over how others perceive me are not signs of introversion. They are symptoms of my low self-worth.
Introvert or Extrovert?
A trait that led me to assume my introversion was the fact that I don’t want to always be the center of attention — especially amidst strangers. I’m not really a natural mingler when it comes to strangers, but I’m the life of the party when I trust and know the people I’m with. I now realize that it wasn’t a trait of an introvert, it was a trait of someone insecure.
In quarantine, I haven’t been in situations where I’m surrounded by people I don’t know. There are no events where I’m forced to “mingle” and “network”. I haven’t had to awkwardly wander at a party searching for the people I know. I haven’t had to come into a situation as an outsider.
Now, I realize that being left out is my biggest fear, and those types of situations touched a nerve for a reason.
For a long time, I confused the enjoyment of my own company with introversion. Introversion and extroversion are often measured in relation to energy in and energy out: If social situations drain your energy instead of refilling your batteries, your most likely an introvert. Introverts recharge in solitude.
For years, I’ve identified as an introvert, as I tend to enjoy my alone time and I was always completely drained after an outing. It was the simplest answer: I’m just an introvert! But it’s no wonder I was exhausted: I would spend that social time worrying non-stop about what other people thought of me instead of creating real connections.
Now, I have learned that as much as I love being alone, it’s the tiniest encounters with waiters, store staff, acquaintances, and loved ones that get my batteries recharged. During this past year, I have only met and called the people I care about and feel at ease with, and that has recharged me. When I’m with people I trust, or with people that I’m only meeting in passing, I feel energized and excited.
I didn’t feel like other people’s judgment when I was alone — no wonder I felt comfortable in my own company! Next, I need to learn to feel that way in social situations. I must ignore those anxious thoughts and shrug the feeling that other people are examining me at all times.
Most of the time, people are too busy thinking about themselves to have time to judge you, anyway. Next, I need to learn to ignore my anxious thoughts and shrug the feeling that other people are examining me at all times.
Most of the time, people are too busy thinking about themselves to have time to judge me, anyway.
In the end, it doesn’t matter if you’re an introvert or an extrovert. While our society values outspoken social butterflies, the real game-changer is how we value ourselves. Of course, this realization didn’t cure me of my low self-worth. But it did give me direction. I know where my problems lie, and I can work on myself, honestly, without hiding behind the stereotypical narrative of introversion.
I had compartmentalized myself into a narrow trope of introversion that I had learned from the media, and it was hindering my social interactions. Because I had told myself (and others around me) that I belonged to this category, I washed my hands off the work that truly needed to be done. I was telling myself, that I simply wasn’t good at socializing, but I’ve learned that introversion isn’t a hindrance to human connection.
Insecurity is.
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